Dude Pranks Whole Foods Shoppers By Pretending To Be Douchey Employee Is Whole Foods In An Eco-Friendly Nutshell

If you ever see me in a Whole Foods, it’s because they have the most delicious supply of yoga pants of anyone in the industry. Last time I was in there, I nearly knocked over the entire grass-fed, sustainable plantain section with my hard-on. I had no idea plantains ate grass. Or ate at all. Regardless, I left the store with blue balls and a $16 V8 Juice. But I have to be sneaky when I go in there though, because if any of the employees found out I don’t drive a Prius or that I’ve never been to a yoga class, they wouldn’t be so eco-friendly. But I’ve conceded to the fact that I’m more of a 7 Eleven taquitos kind of dude, and only really go to Whole Foods when I’m looking to blow a month’s rent on grapes.

And this dude pretending to be a ultra-douchey Whole Foods employee and exposing the shoppers completely buying into his bullshit is so Whole Foods, it should come with a yoga mat. So pretentious, so spot on. Remember, bros: Vote Hilary.


Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.