Life
by David Covucci on January 9, 2014

And if that's all that happened, we wouldn't be hearing about this story. But that's not the wHOLE of it, if you catch my drift. Via Penn Live

Christopher Scheller, 19, of Hanover, also is accused of concealing in his rectum a socket for a wrench used for smoking, four bracelets, four necklaces and 11 rings, Southwestern Regional Police said in a news release.

What? That is a lot of shit up your ass. Apparently it was discovered when hospital employees gave Scheller an x-ray after the crash. At which point, he told police they couldn't have his butt stuff. 

Scheller, at first, did not want the objects removed, but eventually police said he consented. Police later determined the items were stolen from a Heidelberg Township house. Scheller is accused of hiding them in his body as an officer was approaching the scene of the crash he was involved in.

Scheller also had synthetic marijuana on him. But I want to know more about this sleight of ass. How the fuck could you fit four bracelets, four necklaces and 11 rings INSIDE YOUR ASS? That's an insane amount of shit (no pun intended). I'm just… I'm in awe of this kid. He's like a villainous Goatse. 

[H/T Gawker]