For anyone out there that has drunkenly wandered home only to defecate in someone’s yard because they couldn’t hold it, take a lesson from Matthew Coomes on how not to get arrested for it. Bonus points to him for not just breaking into someone’s house and pooping on the floor, but for doing it at 6:30 in the morning. Do you know how much alcohol you have to drink the night before to still be wasted at 6:30? Either Coomes started drinking at 4 in the morning or he’s the best-paced drinker in the world.
” It wasn’t until police arrived that the terrified couple discovered that their unwelcome guest had run amok inside their house prior to barging into the bedroom. Coomes had turned the sink sprayer on full blast and stuffed it in a drawer, flooding the entire kitchen. He also dropped a deuce on the carpet.
“He must have been playing in it because he streaked it down the side of my walls,” Tricia Gillaspy said.
Ah yes, a timelessly classic ballet move where one drops a turd on the carpet and then proceeds to fling it everywhere. And as for the sink sprayer? Well you gotta wipe somehow, don’t you? Only peasants use toilet paper. I personally have a gold-plated super soaker next to my toilet at all times because my asshole deserves better, and so does yours. Predictably, the Gillaspy’s were upset at the impromptu interior design their house had just undergone, but they were even more pissed that Coomes wasn’t arrested at the scene.
Instead of drying out Coomes in the drunk tank, cops charged the soiled sot with a couple of misdemeanors and gave him a ride home. Tricia Gillaspy said a sergeant later contacted her and said they bungled the incident and should have arrested Coomes. Kuna police now say they are conducting an internal affairs investigation into how the case was handled.
Give the kid a break, he’s clearly a blossoming alcoholic who needs help more than he needs prison. Plus, I hear prison food goes right through you. Do you really want Poopageddon happening at 6:30 am every morning in jail? I don’t think so.
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