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Drunk Bro Comes to His Senses Mid Hook Up to Realize He’s With a Fat Chick, Plus More Unsung Heroism

By / 07.23.13

One of my greatest moments of my single life happened to me one month after turning the oh so golden age of 21. Before I get into that a little background on me; I go to a school where there is an abundance of slams but they are either taken or already slammed out, whatever. Being one of the first in my class to turn 21 I was given the best opportunity in the world (backup college quarterback non-withstanding), I could either go to the bar and try to pick up girls with questionable morals or go to a house party and definitely pick up a girl with questionable morals. This faithful night, I decided to go the route of the bar, as the threat of snow deterred anyone from venturing to house parties.

I began pre-gaming with a few of my bros and once I had enough vodka in my system to down a small communist army, I Irish-exited my house with my wallet, my phones, and a pocketful of dreams. Making my way to the bar I burned through a few cancer sticks and sipped from a flask of schnapps (not my first choice) to starve off the cold, the threat of snow was imminent. I made my way inside the bar and met up with some older friends I knew through sports and the like. There were a few girls with them that I knew, none of which I would touch with Reggie Noble's dick. Regardless of their looks, they were quality sidepieces I could use to pick up women. We headed upstairs to the other bar and began taking shots. Around my fifth shot I saw a girl giving me the eyes that I like and I decided to talk to her, against the better judgement of my bros (you'll see why later). Going up to her I made small talk until one of my (now hammered) side pieces came up to her, grabbed her face and said, “You have pretty hair, you should hook up with him.” She laughed, I laughed and the sidepiece vanished for the rest of the night. The girl put her number in my phone and told me to call her later.

Fast-forward a few hours, as bros are to do, we were asked to peacefully remove ourselves from the bar for being awesome. This was around 1 and snow began to fall. I called the girl from before telling her my roommate locked me out of the house and I needed a place to crash, she told me her address and I ran faster than I ever had (partially due to alcohol and the need to not get a public urination charge) there. She invites me inside and said her roommate was with another guy, which made sense by the sounds in the house. Knowing I was “locked out” she asked if I wanted to go outside. We went outside and within seconds our clothes are flying everywhere. She goes down on me like a champ, after a while I sober up and realize I'm getting head from a fat chick. My bro's warning me against talking to her made sense now, but I wasn't going to waste this opportunity. I promptly finish, and fake a call from my roommate to escape.

Long story short, if girls think kissing in the rain is romantic, they should try giving head in a snowstorm.

It would not — I repeat, WOULD NOT — be a Hook Up Heroes story if the story teller didn't work in at least one “Fast-Forward” into his heroic tale.

Also, thanks for not using Reggie's dick as a sacrificial lamb. I'm sure his wife appreciates it. 

NEXT!

It was the summer of 2009, and it was between my sophomore and junior year of college. My dad was going to marrying his girlfriend of 3 years, and I was in town to attend the reception. I had recently started to date a girl a few months prior, so she came to town to be my date (I know, not a random hook-up but still quite a night). A bunch of my family members would be coming to town for the reception. My cousin and her boyfriend would be staying in my old room at my dad's house. So my uncle offered his house to us to stay in, on the condition that we didn't mess it up. He would be selling it a few weeks later, so there was no furniture or decoration of any kind. Just a couch and a bed. I agree to the stipulation.

I asked my dad if it was okay that I had some of my best friends come, and being the cool dad he is, he said bring whoever I wanted. So on the night of the reception, my group consisted of me, my girlfriend and 6 of my closest friends. We arrive at the reception which is being held at this big restaurant in downtown. Now, we had been going to this restaurant since I was a kid, so everyone who worked there (even the owners) were family friends. Also, every guest in attendance knew me since I was a kid. I was supposed to give a speech towards the peak of the evening, along with my cousin.

My group is seated along with some of the younger family members. We are at the table next to my dad's. There are about 10-11 full tables of guests all around us. We are the center of attention. As the night begins, I talk to the son of the owner. I asked him for a couple bottles of liquor. He asks me if I'm 21. Of course…I am. Now break out that liquor!

So before dinner is even served, my table is about 1.5 bottles of hard liquor in. Straight. By the time dinner is served, we are all hammered. Not to mention that my dad loves to drink too, so we do toast after toast. I'd say my table has consumed about 5 assorted bottles of alcohol between the 10 of us.

So, it comes time to do my speech, and I stumble up to meet my cousin. We deliver a hilarious speech, which everyone seems to enjoy. After this, I am really ready to unwind. We get a few more bottles to the table (on dad's wedding tab, of course). The reception really hits its peak. There's games, toasts, speeches and entertainment. I notice my friend and his girlfriend have slipped out unnoticed. I mention to my girlfriend, and she think that it's a great idea. We slip out while everyone's distracted. I take her out into the hallway of the restaurant (the restaurant is in a larger shopping complex) and we start to go at it. I don't mean that we found a dark corner and had a quickie. I mean I had her pressed up against the outer window on the restaurant, legs in the air, and was blackout pounding it. The problem is, she's a screamer, and the echo in the hallway was insane. So we head to my car, and I pull it around back of the complex. We go at it in my car for a while, but there's no way that I'm going to finish. So we get out, fix ourselves up as best we can(there's sex fluid stains all over my black dress shirt), and head back into the reception. My family rushes up to me frantically. They ask me where I've been. I told them to chill, we just went for a walk. They said that our car was gone, and that we were gone for almost 45 minutes. Whoops, I guess time flies.

After the reception, I get to my uncle's house somehow. This part is hazy, I think my cousin drove us and my other friend. I have no idea what happened to my friends, family or dad and his wife. So here we are at my uncle's house, and my friend starts to puke int the drive way. He tells us to leave him there. So we do, and head to the bed. We go at it ALL around the house for hours. This is some awesome blackout sex. We had to deal with the mess the next morning. I head outside, and see that my friend is gone. I guess he hitched a ride from our other friend. I am supremely hungover, but I call my dad to see how his night was. The best part, my dad blacked out during my speech and didn't remember a thing after that.

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TAGScollegeDrinkingDrunkhooking upSexWeddings
J. Camm
About J. Camm... J. Camm is the Managing Editor of BroBible. He is a graduate of the University of Miami thanks mostly in part to a world-class short-term memory. When not writing drivel on the Internet, J.Camm enjoys golf and the inexplicable satisfaction that comes with forgetting a person's name the exact instant he meets them.

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