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If I Drink a Six-Pack of Beer Every Night, Does That Make Me an Alcoholic?

By / 01.09.14

Q: Alcohol abuse. My old man is an alcoholic that has now been sober for 10 years. I am currently a senior at a medium sized state university. i think i drink a lot, a bottle of wine, or six pack of beer every night, thats normal. i do not drink this much only around family members or people who frown about the consumption of this amount of booze and thats only for short time periods. 

In your opinion is this the characteristic of an alcoholic in the training?

A: Seeing as how I'm not only a well-respected medical expert but also the nations's foremost authority on addiction, I think you've made a slick move coming to me for this advice. I shan't let you down.

Addict is not a word to be thrown around lightly. Although our society tends to hurl it at a lot of personal problems or one-off instances of abuse, it's like how WebMD suggests your every symptom COULD BE Cancer, or MS, or ALS, or HIV. Have the sniffles? CANCER. Does your lower back hurt? MS. Are your muscles constantly twitching? ALS. Do your fingers have a tingling sensation at night? Eighty-percent chance you're headed for AIDs. 

Same thing goes with addiction. Enjoy pornography more than missionary with your girlfriend? ADDICT. Do you like fucking chicks even though you're married? ADDICT. Do you want gigantic boobs that glow in the dark? ADDICT. Nose collapsed because you sucked too much cocaine up it? Addict, and also hot 90s babe Yasmine Bleeth.

Ok, that last one is definitely an addiction. And yours might be, too. 

I'm not an addiction expert (this is your mouth's cue to fall agape in utter shock of my admission) and I'm flattered you came here first, but if the judgement of others is all that's keeping you from putting back a six pack or a bottle of wine on nights you don't drink, then you might have a problem. If you're sitting in these non-drinking situations DYING for a beer, then it doesn't take Dr. Drew to figure out that you could have a situation on your hands.

Everyone's different. I've never craved a drink in my entire life. I binge drink like a fucking rabid animal at times, sure, but I could not drink for months and I wouldn't care. For all I know, you might be sipping six beers for your own personal enjoyment, not to cope with anything or because you need it, but simply because you can. It might not be an addiction. However, if you can't seem to stop yourself from swilling the good swill when discriminating eyes aren't watching, then it might be.

Take this Alcohol Abuse Self Test and then ask someone who really knows about what you might be dealing with. Make sure that person is not your fraternity brother, because he'll just call you a pussy and try to convince you cirrhosis of the liver is baller as fuck. Which it very well could be.

Q: So I've been dating this chick for going on a year now, solid 10, all around terrific. Lately she's started asking questions about how often I watch porn and saying how much it bothers her that I do. I love her and all, but come on a guys got to have his alone time. What should I do?

P.S. Would you rather be chained to a wrecking ball with Miley Cyrus and get to bang her as often as you want, but she gets to violate your asshole in the process OR bang Taylor Swift but you have to listen to her blather on about past flames for 24 hours before and after you bang her?

A: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP WHACKING OFF, YOU CURD-SLINGING PERVERT…is what I would advise if I were an insane person or born without usable genitalia.

Obviously the answer here is keep watching porn, keep doing you (literally), but don't go around bragging about it or admitting it to you girlfriend. I know you need it. YOU know you need it. Just keep it to yourself. Happy Time with Captain Hook is your little secret. (Sorry about giving you a hooked dick in that scenario. Wasn't very Bro of me, I suppose. Can't delete it now, though. We have policies here.)

Obviously you didn't know, and usually never will know, how your significant other will react to your penchant for whackery until you tell them. Most aren't thrilled by the news. That's why I chalk up telling-your-pissed-off-girlfriend-that-you-jerk-off-to-porn as one of those mistakes in life guys actually learn from. I know I did. My lips have been sealed since the early aughts.

*Almost forgot about your PS, which I hate by the way. Both options are women with prepubescent boy bodies. Not exactly my thang. But I'd take Taylor since she's probably smells better and her hands don't look 45-years-old. I'm also not sold Miley is the lunatic in the sack that she wants everyone to think she is.

Q: Hi, this is an observation rather than a question. I just watched the “lion whisperer” video after a friend posted it on facebook. It takes a much stronger man to win the lions' love and affection than to kill one from 30 yards. Happy new year, I hope all is well.

A: Yeah, sure. Makes sense. 

And thanks for wasting everyone's time just now.

Here's a boob GIF to cleanse your palate.

Q: So I just came back from my first semester of college and saw my girl for the first time since. We had a talk and she wants to stay in a relationship but without the title. I would be down for this, however, she wants the ability to hookup with whoever else even when I am home, yet she claims to love me and says she wants to be together for the rest of our lives. Obviously I am allowed to do the same in terms of hooking up with other but I don't feel right doing it. What should I do bro, stick with her and try to get it back to being exclusive or just quit while I'm ahead. (for clarification I am a freshman at college and she is a senior in high school)

A: I'd bet the entirety of my bank account that your girlfriend has already started cheating on you and that this alternative relationship that's being proposed is an effort on her part to feel better about what's transpired since you went away. Which, just in case you didn't know, is many a phallus entering her body by way of her vagina.

The harsh reality is you and this girl are probably not going to last. You're just not. The writing is plastered all over the wall: she wants to jump, jive and wail on other dudes' dicks even when you're home. For Christ's sake, that right there is the antithesis of a healthy relationship.

Cheating tends to happen when you leave a girlfriend behind, only it's usually the guy in college who wants to slut-it-up and have his dick get all footloose and fancy free. But your girl is clearly steering this RelationSHIP (God. Did I just go there?). Most dudes would be licking their chops to be in your situation. I think you should join that chop-licking party. STAT. 

You're young. This shit happens. And you still have your cake (sort of), but now your cake is asking you to eat other cakes, too. PERFECT SCENARIO. Now go stuff your face with lady cake.

Q: What's your opinion on punching or kicking someone in the nuts during a fight?

A: Punching and kicking are a no, but kneeing, gnawing and noogieing, so long as all are done with GREAT RELISH, are a resounding YES. 

God. Could you imagine the testicular trauma a harshly-applied noogie would cause? My balls shot up into my throat just thinking about it. Bruce Jenner would be appalled at the glory of my showy Adam's apple right now.

Unless you're a girl or your life is literally at stake, nut attacks of any kind are a cope out and cowardice personified. There is a reason below the belt shots are outlawed in boxing and MMA. And that reason is because the dick bag is a man's true Achilles heel. It's the great equalizer, the great immobilizer. 

Q: What's the best way to tell my Bro he needs to ditch his ball bag huggin jeans? They're so tight it looks like he's got a peach pit in his pants!

A: I'm friends with a lot of people who generally dress like complete shit or wear far tighter pants than I do and, yet, all I can think when reading your question is: why the fuck do you care? 

The prolonged life or impending paralysis of your buddy’s junk sack is not your problem. If he's strutting his shit around town, squeezing the fucking daylights out of his peen, and he's riding high, feeling great about himself, I say let the man live. 

Don't try to change him, but by all means bust his balls about it. Provided there's anything left to bust by the time you read this. I know it's been a few weeks after you sent the question so his genitals could be a thing of the past by now. R.I.P., Peach Pit. 

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TAGSalcoholicsask a broCondomsDrinkinghooking upnut shotsSex
J. Camm
About J. Camm... J. Camm is the Managing Editor of BroBible. He is a graduate of the University of Miami thanks mostly in part to a world-class short-term memory. When not writing drivel on the Internet, J.Camm enjoys golf and the inexplicable satisfaction that comes with forgetting a person's name the exact instant he meets them.

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