Life
by Justin Gawel on December 5, 2013

Cider and Rum

Tasting like a caramel apple dipped in magic spice, this is the autumn equivalent to drinking a passion-fruit margarita in the summer. It’s yummers because it’s filled with sugar and, bluntly, that’s why it’s not at all manly. Picturing a lumberjack or firefighter pouring themselves one of these is a lot tougher to imagine than a sorority girl downing a half-gallon jug of the stuff before falling off a hayride. However, all bets are off if you’re a seventh-grade kid reading this, searching for just the right drink to ease yourself into the wonderful world of alcoholism; for you this is going to be the perfect blend of childhood and pirate life that’ll foster a lifelong dependency.

Hot Cocoa and Peppermint Schnapps 

Unless you’re trying to get an obnoxious child to fall asleep or aggressively trying to contract type-2 diabetes, this drink does not belong in your repertoire this season. It has the disgusting aura of youth draped over it. Drinking it, you’ll feel the inevitable sticky fingers and a burning desire to start whining about Christmas. Hot cocoa and peppermint schnapps is a step back; it’s the opposite of the movie Big and a total regression in manliness.

Despite it not being a dark liquor, though, peppermint schnapps alone carries a distinguished, elderly-man quality, like you’re drinking something once used to preserve medicine or sterilize wounds during old-fashioned dental procedures. This should be considered somewhat manly.

Eggnog

Tis the season when it’s acceptable to occasionally indulge in sucking down this creamy, frothy goo. Most people think using whiskey as the mixer adds to its manliness factor, but eggnog’s still this weird, foamy dairy mystery that’s inevitably going to look like a semen stain when you spill it on your dark sweater. At its most basic, it’s merely a vehicle for whiskey for the effeminate types who can’t stand the taste of whiskey. You’ll never overhear a coal miner after a long day say, “Gee whiz, fellas, I can’ wait to slurp down a yum-tacular cup o’ ‘nog when I get home.” A statement like that would get him punched right in the throat.

Irish Coffee 

Breakfast is full of loopholes. Just as chocolate-chip pancakes drenched in syrup and powered sugar are for fatties, an Irish coffee is for the functional alcoholic in the morning. It's a way to indulge in your lifestyle while still keeping up appearances. You’re waking yourself up and getting drunk all with one manly potion. This is what you do for drunken energy now. You’re no longer a kid; this isn’t Prom Night where you and your date are both pounding Red Bull vodkas to have the energy to dance for two hours and then still be tipsy enough to justify fucking each other.

Whiskey

Rocks or just neat, it’s the drink synonymous with cowboys, polar bear hunters, Iditarod mushers, and the rest of the world’s heroically masculine professionals. Although a year-round beverage, the winter cold will have this delicious liquor warming you from the inside out while you realize you no longer need central heating, blankets, or sweaters with dumb reindeer on them anymore. Whiskey sits alone on the mountaintop of manly drinks, daring any others to challenge its simplicity, smoothness, and reputation. People won’t question your manliness when you have this in hand; they’ll take one look at your glorious beard and robe made from something that was once breathing and simply nod, non-verbally acknowledging, “That’s what men do.”

Justin Gawel is an adult baby from Michigan whose articles appear on BroBible most Thursdays. Look for more of his writing, his BroBible.com archive, and his updates at www.justingawel.com or follow him @justingawel on Twitter.

[Whiskey stock photo via Shutterstock]