Two months ago, a doe-eyed youngster walked onto a stage and was handed a college diploma by an old white person in some robes. His friends cheered. His parents wept. His ex-girlfriend stood in the crowed and glowered (she’s still bitter, you know.) There were BBQ’s, and grad-parties, and all-nighters with good friends, and for that one week in May the doe-eyed youngster looked out into the horizon and saw only potential. For that one-week in May everything and anything seemed possible. “Achieve your dreams!” they shouted at him, and for a moment, ‘achieving one’s dreams’ actually seemed like a viable option.
Then the youngster moved back in with his folks and the evil falcon of reality dug its claws into his bliss. Gone were the parties, the girls, the drinking, the drugs, the dreams, and everything else that once seemed so permanent.
Bro, you are that doe-eyed youngster standing fresh faced to the world. The evil falcon of reality isn’t an actual falcon (though that would be sick) but rather a metaphor for your induction into responsible adulthood. You graduated college. Congratulations and condolences. Now what?
Now it’s time to explore what the hell you’re going to do out there in the wild. If you’re like most of us, you got a degree in something with absolutely no discernable real-world application. Ha! Alright, now I can’t choose your career for you. That’s your fish to fry solo. What I can do? I can help you whittle down your list by eliminating some of the “dreams” currently posing as real-world career options. To my recently graduated brothers-in-arms I present: 7 Dream Jobs You Should Reconsider Pursuing.
Back in your fraternity days (i.e. 5 weeks ago) you’d wake up mornings after a particularly successful party (Hey Bros! Check out my dubstep remix of ‘Little Lion Man’), thinking, if your run-of-the-mill Scandinavian can do it, how hard can it be? Turns out, while yes, it would be sick to get paid millions to tour the world playing your little mashups for stoned-out-of-their-minds-and-half-naked white kids, it’s never going to happen for you. Firstly, you’re not Scandinavian. Secondly, you have zero musical ability (and no, adding bass wobble to your favorite Skynyrd song doesn’t count as musical ability) At best you can look forward to 30k a year spinning the bar mitzvah circuit.
2. Video Game Tester
While some of your peers were off in the Middle East fighting actual wars, you spent four years in a college dorm eating hotpockets and playing Call of Duty. Now you want to make that your job. Makes perfect sense.
You were the dude who’d walk around parties trying to get everyone to circle-up so you could “spit hot fire to ‘dem hoes.” Note: You were universally despised at these parties. Note: Cut a video and try to spit hot fire to the masses, and you will be universally despised by the world.
4. T-Shirt Designer
An eagle eating a snake fighting a falcon with wings made out of other snakes, and then over all that the words: ‘Truth Serum,’ and then over that a halo made of fire and then all of it silk-screened onto a deep-V. Sounds chill, right? No, sounds stupid as fuck.
5. Internet Mogul
The media wants you to believe that all you need to do is invent one little app, and the next think you know, Google’s knocking down your door offering you a quarter bill and change. Seriously, if it were that easy, we’d all be developing fucking iPhone apps.
6. Drug Dealer
Back in college you were everyone’s go-to dealer. Addy’s? I gotchu. Oz of OG? I gotchu. Molly? Shit dawg, I keep that shit in my freezer! Here’s the thing though: In the real world, drug dealing is a lot more complicated than pushing your Ritalin scrip’ in the library during finals. Also, saying things like “dawg” and “I gotchu” makes you sound like a dickhead. Suggestion: Channel your palpable entrepreneurial spirit into something that won’t land you in a jail cell (so, not a hedge fund.)
7. Porn Star
They told you to make your passion your career, right? And no one watches more internet porn than you, right? So who better to stake out a career as world-famous porn star than good ol’ yours truly, right? Wrong. No one (I repeat: no one) wants to watch you screwing. Also, don’t overestimate your own prowess. If you were that great, you wouldn’t be watching all that porn.
[DJ image vias ShutterStock]