Back from vacation. I'm well-rested, clear-eyed, and my fecal production schedule is all fucked up. LET'S GO! Submit your Ask a Bro questions here.
Q: What turns a man on the most when he is going down on a woman?
A: Here is a quick and dirty list:
- The lack of a dead corpse smell.
- The knowledge that when we come up for air something reciprocal is going to happen.
- The fact that if we need to release a pathetic early load, now is the time.
- The absence of grotesque pubic hair or other pelvic grime.
- Her elongated Labia.
- The hope that it'll soon end.
- The fear of throat cancer.
Almost came my pants just writing that...
Q: I have a hot girlfriend, but I think I fell in love with one of her best friends that's an absolute rocket that flirts with me whenever we talk because I date her best friend and she knows I have a crush on her. What to do?
A: Repress. Repress. REPRESS that urge.
And if repressing it doesn't pan out, take it out back and shoot it right between the fucking eyes.
I don't know the entire story, of course, but I'd take a wild guess and assume that the chances of dropping your current girlfriend and scooping up her bestie cannot be good.
Sucks the meltiest turd to hear it, but what else can you do? Destroy the girl your currently dating -- like totally ruin her for good if you pull off the swap of the century? Or, wind up hurting her and having nothing to show for it but a burnt ass bridge and two chicks (along with all their friends) who would pine to see you become the victim of a hate crime? Those sounds like unpleasant outcomes to non-masochists.
Best shot at pulling this off unscathed is breaking up -- because clearly you're not ending up with this chick -- and letting a substantial amount of time pass before you try to covet her best friend.
Q: I have quite a dilemma here but I'll try to keep it short-ish. After fucking around for quite a while with idiots who couldn't find a clitoris if their lives depended on it, I have found the Holy Grail of All Fuckbuddies. This guy is a solid 8, consistently amazing in bed, punctual as fuck when it comes to responding to booty calls, and possesses some unidentifiable quality that makes me not romantically attracted to him in the slightest. The problem is he is a senior in a fraternity and is well known in the greek community. This is a problem because I am in a high-ranking position in student government, which at my university is literally infested with politically-aspiring frat guys, and the only reason I've made it to the level I'm at as a female is because I don't sleep around with above mentioned frat guys. I don't want one of them finding out I'm regularly banging one of their own and lose that "we are equals" dynamic or worse, that they begin to think they have a chance with me and suddenly I go from being their respected superior to some girl they're trying to fuck. So do I continue to have multiple orgasms regularly and fuck up my work environment or do I just sack up and break it off with Turbo Tongue?
Oh and also, Tabasco sauce enema while giving Mr. T a handy j or twerking against sandpaper while blowing every terrible quarterback the Jets have ever had.
A: Tabasco sauce enemas are practically the only things that make me feel alive anymore. The exhilaration of that first pint is electrifying, biblical.
I can say that here, right? I mean, if BroBible is anything, it's a safe, judgment-free, free-swinging dick kind of establishment, right? So I'm sure it's fine.
Back to that nonsense later. Or not, because...
You have a good thing going for yourself. There are roughly six months of the college year left (minus all the time off) and once it's over this guy is graduating. POOF! And like that he's gone forever; never to stimulate your well-hidden clit ever again.
Why sever ties now? That can only stand to make things totes awk' and shit. You seem to see him a lot with all your highly important student body goings-on, and since he is a guy you know there is a chance it will hit him -- when he realizes that he can't have you -- that you're everything he has ever wanted. For Christ's sake, he has the brain of a man and if a man's brain specializes one thing it's under appreciating a good thing while it has it and the subsequent self-torture it endures over losing said good thing when it is gone. A complex species we are not.
Obviously I could be wrong. Maybe Petey the Pussy Pulverizer (I figured he deserves a name) also doesn't give an emotional shit about you. Or, I could be right and he could be a ticking time bomb -- aloof and casual on the outside, but madly in love with you on the inside. Why chance it?
Q: My question is two part. A) Why do you suck so bad at putting up ask a bro columns. This is easily the most entertaining part of the site but you lack goddamn discipline pull your shit together. B) Are visors bro? I love wearing visors in the summer. Who wants a sweaty head? sun in your eyes? not me. But my friends say they make me look like a florida retiree. Bullshit visors are the shit. Back me up here. But I don't think girls should wear visors that's way to soccer momish.
A: First: Suck a dank fart. And make sure to swallow.
Second: Yes, every now and then I drop the Ask a Bro ball. I'd say I post this at least 80% of the time, which makes me about as reliable as the pull-out method. That's pretty good company to keep if you ask me. Wouldn't dare want to be as reliable as condoms, because when they fail to perform people REALLY make a big stink about it. You don't see that happening with the pull-out method, shit happening is expected.
Lastly: If you read my previous column a few weeks ago, I clearly stated I was going on vacation for two weeks. This is the week of my return. And guess what your dank-fart-sucking-ass is reading right now? My goddamn Ask a Bro column.
Now on to part B.
Visors are kind of lame (I feel like I need to throw an "IMO" after this but since I write the damn column it's obviously just my opinion). My only basis for this is watching golf. The guys who wear visors always look less goobery when they swap it out for a hat e.g. Phil Mickleson and Keegan Bradley.
That said if your visor wearing isn't hindering your vagina plundering then carry on, my wayward son.
Let's take a timeout, because if you haven't seen the gif of the week...I need to right that wrong.
Q: Chick here, random question I am very intrigued to hear the answer to, it came up while watching masters of sex (kinda a lame show, but it's on after homeland). If you had the ability to fake orgasm multiple times in bed (and not just fake once the final time while wearing a condom and then immediately having to run to the bathroom)... would you? And how often? In what situations? Just to be clear, im not asking "would you fake orgasms if you were a woman" I'm asking if DUDES could fake, would you, being that you are a dude? why or why not?
A: "It came on after Homeland." Is that all you got? That's the worst excuse ever for not changing the channel. The best excuse ever, of course, would have been, "It came on after Homeland and the remote was well out of arms reach." I could empathize with that nightmare. But if you're holding the fucking remote and you're not suffering from temporary paralysis, not changing the channel when Masters of Sex hits the screen is on you.
As for orgasming...
You see, this is where men and women differ. I have never once had sex where my main objective wasn't to have an orgasm. If multiple orgasms were on the table like they are for women I'm not sure I'd still be alive. Would have marathon fucked myself to death at the tender age of 16. The only reason I stop having sex now is because the only lousy load God lets me blow takes me at least a half hour to recover from. And by that time the moment has passed.
So I guess my answer is: No I wouldn't fake an orgasm. Ever.
I see no point in pretending or faking it. If I can't cum I'll just be forthcoming about it: "No load tonight, Babe. Not your fault, though. Squeezed out a batch this afternoon to Padma while watching a Top Chef rerun."
Got to let your loved ones down easy, team.
Q: So a couple months ago I blacked out and accidentally banged this obnoxious slut, about a 6/7, that sorta just hangs around my bros waiting for some dicking. Fast forward to a month later and I've been hooking up with this absolute smoke, super chill girl who I definitely want to keep hooking up with, to be honest id settle down for this broad. She's a solid 9/10, super chill, with the tightest pussy I have ever been in. Problem is the mistake i banged is so clingy and still always around, she shows up at every party, somehow manages to find her way to every bar Im at, i run into her on campus almost every day, etc. If my current smoke ever found out how low i banged, not to mention that i still see her around all the time, shed probably not be okay with it and dump me. I have repeatedly ignored the slut, blocked her number, blocked her on Facebook, have not said a word to her in over a month, but she is still EVERYWHERE. So my question is, how do i make sure this bitch Doesn't Cockblock me? Should I just try to explain the situation to the smoke? or can i find a way to definitely keep this from her? Im at the point where the mention of her name sends me into a panic attack (yes my current hookup is that awesome, dont judge me.)
A: "You actually like a girl? Hahaha Fag!" Is that how you'd like me to react? Dude. I'm married. No judgement here. But yeah, single, 22-year-old me would have probably spit on your shoes for being such a cupcake.
I don't know why it is, but this scenario happens a lot in college. And I think it's really because she's always been around you, but now you're more aware because in a for-the-love-of-the-game move you stuffed your dick into her birthing hole. Hooking up with a Sub-Par Patty is a lot like buying a new car in that way: right after you do it, you always seem to see them wherever you go. It's haunting, cruel.
Who, other than you, knows you slept with Patty? If it is just your closest friends pretend like it never happened. Like really convince yourself so if she ever tries to take you down you can deny deny deny. Just hope she doesn't remember that you have a Gorbachev birthmark covering your entire dick.
If it's more common knowledge around campus, just ignore it till something comes up and then come clean. You stand to jeopardize things with new girl, but at least there is now a reason to tell her. From my experience it's best to not tell chicks about other girls you've fucked until you absolutely have to.
Lastly, our old friend IVAN is back with his ridiculous questions and I feel like they should be highlighted in an effort to enable him to send more. So here are Ivan's most unanswerable questions from the last month.
Q: If a dozen hot babes, approached you for nothing but a dozen, one right after the other, suck you dry blowjobs, would you accept the offer? I almost forgot the catch...each one would blow you in front of your parents and a curious orangutan.
A: You lost me at the parents, but you roped me back in with the orangutan.
Q: This is a question only a true bro can answer. If a horny water buffalo boned Sarah Palin at the San Diego Zoo in front of a packed crowd, would you: A- Ask for your money back and leave the zoo in disgust. B- Lecture Sarah Palin on her lack of morals and call the ASPCA. C- High five the water buffalo and ask for an autograph. D- Jump in and take part in a wild threesome. E- Get aroused by what you've just seen, dress up like Smokey the Bear and masturbate vigorously in front of the giant panda exhibit.
A: I don't give much of a shit about this question but I think we can all agree that Who's Nailin' Paylin was Lisa Ann's seminal work. (I've been waiting months to work that into a column.)
Q: If you could go back in time, meet your great, great, great, great grandmother during the Civil war, when she was 19 and totally hot; would you do her along with a hot, 20 year old slave in a frantic threesome in front of a mentally disabled coyote?
A. How well-endowed is this slave? I'm not even asking to help better answer the question, obviously I wouldn't fuck my great grandmother that's gross, I'm just curious about what he's packing is all.
Q: If you were on the Titanic, while it was in the midst of sinking; would you have taken time out to: A- Fuck an incredibly hot babe, just before drowning. B- Secure a lifeboat for your personal use and haul ass out of there. C- Secure the lifeboat, take the hot babe with you, fuck the hot babe, then kill the hot babe and eat her flesh in order to survive. D- Scream out at the top of your lungs: "Fuck you James Cameron and the horse you rode in on!", before mooning everyone on the ship.
A: Although cannibalistic, I think you've got to go with option C. Why pick just one when you can have all three? Basic survival logic.
Ok, that's it for this week. I'll be back next week with more to meet my 80% quota for the month.