Life
by A. Canty on June 6, 2014

doucebag-5-collar

There’s nothing better than getting dressed, jumping in a car packed full of your best buds and heading to a club overflowing with sexy, fun, and wild girls. The problem is, too many guys are committing HUGE party fouls, not just small infractions. The following 10 gentlemen have become the Champions of Wrong, the Leaders of Lame – they are Douchebag Superheroes.

1. Sunglasses man

If there is ONE thing you need at night in a dark club filled with laser lighting, its SUNGLASSES. The only people that should be wearing sunglasses in a club should also have a trained dog and a walking stick. No that’s not Arnold Schwarzenegger looking for Sara Conner , nope that’s not Robocop’s little brother it’s just THAT GUY I have some advice, how about you take those blue blockers off and join the rest of us that can actually see.

2. Bottle service man

OK, so you have a few extra bucks, maybe a few more than most people at this club, and what you decided to do with your money is…buy champagne for your friends?!? The only time a group of grown men should be drinking champagne together is if you just won the Stanley cup, the Super Bowl or game 7 of the NBA championship.  Remember, if you’re drinking champagne in a dark club in a secluded booth with a few dudes – you guys are technically on a date.

3. Bring your girlfriend to the club man

Great idea!  Bring your girlfriend to a place FULL of drunken horny single guys, and make sure she’s wearing the tightest dress she has. People under contract with the UFC will do less fighting then you’re about to do once the crowd of drunk single dudes starts harassing your girl. Not to mention that now you can’t look at the half naked hot chicks that are there. Bringing your girlfriend to the club is like going to the zoo and not looking at the animals because you brought your dog and you don’t want him getting jealous.

4. Can I have your number man

That’s right ladies, it doesn’t matter if you’re the janitor, a police officer, the parking attendant, the bartender or homeless and asking for change outside of the club.  You’re HIS TYPE and he is going to ask for your number. What’s his type, you ask?  Everyone is his type.

5. Too much cologne man

1 spray is never enough 2 sprays, don’t make me laugh 3 sprays not this guy!  He sprays until he gets a finger cramp, he sprays until his shirt is damp. He’s here to make sure you cough; gag and your eyes water with pain and delight. One second around him is like being punched in the face with a boxing glove that’s been soaked in old spice for 7 days.

6. Entourage man

Is that the entire Wu Tang clan?  Is that a small protest?  NO its one massive low self-esteem parade that THIS GUY brought with him. You brought 1 buddy?  Well he brought a goddamn platoon. This place has a capacity of 400 people…well 350 of them came with THIS GUY. Cousins, friends, brothers, classmates, Facebook friends, bums, strangers, hitchhikers, and missing people – they are all welcome in his crew.

7. Jewelry man

He’s not ready to party unless he looks like he just robbed Kay Jewelers. He needs a watch, a bracelet, 2 earrings, a rapper chain and a ring.  No, he’s not an Egyptian Pharaoh he’s just here to party and when he walks it sounds like 37 sets of janitor keys all jingling at once. No, he’s not here to accept a hip hop Source Award, he’s here to IMPRESS you.

8. Broke man

He’s the most excited guy to get to the party, hell, coming here was HIS IDEA. It’s not his fault that somehow he was caught off guard by the fact that admission, drinks, parking and food actually cost money in this joint.  Watch in amazement as he turns to you at the door as says “They want $5.00 to get in….what are we gonna do?” Drinks on him…….NO WAY!  Gas money……are you insane not from this guy. The thought of bringing money when you go out on the town is like thinking soldiers shouldn’t bring bullets to a battle field for this guy. Somehow the memo about the exchange of good and services for money just didn’t make it to this guy’s desk.

9. Personal space invasion man

There’s no way you won’t understand anything this man has to say, since he only talks when he’s 3 centimeters away from your face. Do you know him……of course not. Have you ever met him before tonight?  No you haven’t, but that’s no reason for him to not get so close, your eyelashes touch. There’s nothing a girl likes more when meeting a total stranger than to have him get so close to her that she can count blackheads on his face.

10. Metro sexual man

He’s here to make everyone uncomfortable.  He’s confusing every gay guy and woman alike. He strolls in the club in designer loafers, a Gucci belt, slicked down or spiked up faux-hawk hair and a sport coat. Don’t let the body lotion from Bath and Body Works fool you – that strong scent of STRAWBERRIES and CREAM is not a girl, it’s THAT GUY. The glare from his freshly manicured nails can be blinding. Don’t be thrown off by the smell of cucumbers and fresh garden herbs you’re not in a flower shop that’s just the herbal essence aroma radiating from his scalp.

Take these words to be true, my brothers, and help me to stop these things from repeating themselves.

A. Canty

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