Women annoy me with their “abstinence is the best protection” when it comes to dating douchebags. Women can keep from dating douchebags no better than Bro’s can keep from taking home a drunk slut from the bar at 3a.m. It’s in your DNA. You can’t help it. We each get our social value from our ability to have done these or our readily available access to doing them, dating for women and casual sex for men.
Instead of trying to convince anyone not to be with these people I decided it was in all of our best interests to learn how to identify the male and female equivalents of this list by College Candy.
Through exhaustive research from being each one of these Bros and slamming each one of these women I have finally taken Stefanie Williams from “Chasing the Jersey” approach to dating. Know what you’re getting into, enjoy the ride and try to get out as unscathed as possible.
1. The Juicehead – Why you love him: “Look at him there, chest bulging out with not an ounce of fat on that body. I bet he could put me in positions no other man could.”
Reality: You’re going to be so sore after the workout he demands you do both in and out of the bedroom that you’re going to give up after a month of not eating chocolate and waking up for 5a.m. Crossfit. The fact remains that outside of simple eye candy this guy has nothing to offer anyone, even if he does have his own tv show.
Female Equivalent: Fake Breasts girl – Why we love her: “Look at her there, chest bulging out with not an ounce of fat on her. I bet she could do things to my dick that would make Sasha Grey blush.”
Reality: You’re going to be so broke after a month of trying to impress her that you’ll finally understand that “juice wasn’t worth the squeeze” even though you’ll still brag to your friends about how you totally got to third base with her… even though you didn’t. This girl invested $5000 of her own money you’ll be paying on for the rest of your life. That’s real business math.
2. The Boaster – Why you love him: This guy has the list of qualifications every mother looks for in her daughter’s suitor. He’s rich, successful, accomplished and willing to pay for your life of Xanax and daiquiri’s by his pool. Except he’s not, at least not with you because any woman worth her salt knows that his sh*t gets old as soon as he demands a pre-nup.
Reality: This guy might have all the bullet points you can spell out to your friends and family, that is until they meet him and realize what a failure you’ve become at meeting Mr. Right.
Female Equivalent: I’m just one of the guys-girl – Yes, she knows who the last person to own the rushing title before Barry Sanders and Emmitt Smith is (big ups to the Nigerian Nightmare), yes she agrees that Tim Duncan is the greatest power forward of all-time, yes she bought you Spurs playoff tickets and paid for the flight as a birthday present in 2009, and yes you had to cart her ass along with you for all of it.
Reality: This girl might be cool for a while, but once your bro’s realize she doesn’t have a single female friend then the clock starts ticking on her game night attendance. All her friends are guys for two reasons: 1) B*tches hate her & 2) Because all her guy ‘friends’ are still trying to bang her.
3. The Musician – Why you love him: One of my best friends is a musician and that dude traps more fur than Daniel Boone. Other than the fact that his music can melt the panties off J. Edgar Hoover I think this is simply because his music is emotionally apprised, can command a room full of people and looks good doing it.
Reality: I’m not going to ruin the mystery of these people so just check him out: facebook.com/chrisnizzle. His music is responsible for more pregnant women than a black man at a Jenny Craig convention!
Female Equivalent: The Stripper – Why we love her: This girl is full of hopes, dreams and excuses why those dreams never came true. Sure, you’re just stripping your way through college now but once that lucrative boob-job jettison’s you right to the top of the pole you’ll be turning tricks in the champagne room for Pac-Man Jones in no time. We men honestly believe while you’re up on stage and grace us with a quick glance that you have just chosen us for the night or the rest of our lives.
Reality: I’m am going to ruin the fallacy of this one: stripper’s are all insanely crazy whore’s. Lorena Bobbitt couldn’t hold a candle to the sh*t these women are capable of doing.
4. The Fronter – Why you love him: Much like The Boaster, this guy gets off on his own accomplishments even though none of them are really even his to own. His parents have dropped mad loot on this guy’s ability to shag women in their Escalade, House in the Hampton’s and even the South of France.
Reality: Even if he made it on his own that Caddy is a lease, that house is a time share and he had to check his credit card balance before charging that flight to a warmer climate. You’ll stick with this guy until the money runs out then think of another excuse for leaving him than being a money-grubbing whore.
Female Equivalent: Daddy’s Little Girl – Why we love her: This girl doesn’t want your money and isn’t impressed by what you drive, where you work or what your first date is like. All of the hard work is done for us by her father’s monthly expense account to his baby girl. Give this dalliance attention until you have to foot a bill in which she will be wondering why you aren’t as successful as her father and won’t be her man-slave for her cash.
Reality: The clock is ticking on this disillusioned little fawn so throw a couple quick ones in her, get a new watch and set of tires then best be on your way.
5. The Show-off – Why you love him: This one must trigger some cavewoman logic where Ug slings down a sabretooth tiger, beats his chest then drags you back to his cave. You love him because he will be your puppet for as long as you give him attention.
Reality: You probably won’t sleep with this guy because he won’t make that transition back to nice guy by the end of the night. One bad hook-up with this dude and you won’t hear the end of it for the rest of your life.
Female Equivalent: Sorority Girl – Why we love her: As soon as you hear the word “sorority” you imagine all the dirty things this girl will do for you and how perfect your union will become because “ring by spring or your money back” is the perfect assault on a single soror-stitute.
Reality: She only wants you as arm candy to make her lacrosse ex-boyfriend and slutty “little sister” that slept with him jealous. She sucks, my man, and you’re not the only one she’s swallowing.
6. Mr. God’s Gift To Women – Why you love him: In the split second we meet someone we all have a hard time deciphering arrogance from confidence. This guy thinks the world of himself for the same reason chubby girls think one night stands might actually like her: because he hasn’t learned his lesson yet.
Reality: Unless you plan an elaborate burn on this guy’s ego he will never learn his lesson. Either way, even if you do break this guy he’s not yours to keep.
Female Equivalent: The Hard 7 – Why we love her: These girls have the same problem as The Regulator, they’ve hung out with 9’s & 10’s for so long they start to believe they are one. They then develop a social Napolean Complex and become the yapping Chihuahua of the group demanding everyone’s attention.
Reality: Beware, because these women are the epitome of my motto “The only thing women want is money and attention.” Give them neither and you’ll have her wrapped up in the pretzel position in the upstairs Houston St. Bar & Patio in Ft. Worth, Texas in no time.
7. The User – Why you love him: Because you have daddy issues.
Reality: Unless you get counseling, the only guys that will be willing to date you are the ones that know what you’re worth and don’t mind charging you for it.
Female Equivalent: Daddy-Issue’s Girl – Why we love her: DIG’s require so little initial investment that they feign over the slightest bit of attention.
Reality: You had better know a good therapist unless, like Hank Moody, you want that prized collection of 1st Edition’s burned at the stake and you eventually drugged when your ex- takes you back. Seriously, Hank Moody needs to get his sh*t together.
8. Super Stoner – Why you love him: This guy is so agreeable that after dating the next guy on this list, being able to make up your own mind and never having to debate movie night, date night or girls night seems like a God send.
Reality: This guy doesn’t argue over date night because he’s not paying for it anyways. Plus, he’s just happy to have his munchies cured.
Female Equivalent: The Hippie – Why we love her: Hippie’s are so easy to get into bed, mainly because they haven’t slept in an actual bed since the last guy that offered her one.
Reality: These girls smell like motor oil, believe all things can be settled over a blunt and are going to steal your sh*t the first time you leave her alone in your house… just like with Hank Moody (seriously Bro, you gotta see Californication on Showtime). If you run Showtime you should definitely sponsor me.
9. The Great Debater – Why you love him: This guy seems intelligent only because he has a lot to say about topics you know nothing about.
Reality: Catch him in the act of conversation with one of your friends and see him flip-flop quicker than John Kerry in Michigan.
Female Equivalent: The Empowered Woman a.k.a. The Feminist – Why we love her: We don’t. You lesbians and super feminists aren’t feminine at all unless you’re one of my lesbian friends, then you guys rock! Seriously, lesbians make the best wingmen.
Reality: You’re going to have to sit through a lifetime of her spewing why men suck when all you want to do is fill that mouth with a good load of semen from the blow-jibber she will never give you.
10. The Player – Why you love him: This silver tongued snake was able to fly under your radar without tripping nary a one of your b*tch-traps or kick off your whore logic mentality. Everything he said and did was so smooth and agreeable that you fell right into his hands, and later his bed, without even realizing you were a pawn in his game until 15 minutes into your walk of shame.
Reality: Unless you either expect casual sex or are over the age of 30 you are going to have a few run-ins with this guy. Learn your lesson and move on.
Female Equivalent: The Bartender – Why we love her: This sultry vixen was so agreeable with you about planes being able to practically land themselves and how Lego’s will one day revolutionize the way we develop third world countries into competitive economic centralities that you left Jenn a $60 tip on a $19 tab which included your phone number on the receipt.
Reality: The sad thing is you will do it again next weekend because you still believe you have a chance (you do have a chance, you do). I’ve slept with my fair share of bartenders and it’s actually quite easy to pull this one off. Just be all of the guys on this list.
For more information on how not to suck visit www.bigjoshstud.me