A couple of weeks ago I caught the buzz about what would soon become the creepiest and most distracting app on my phone.
Which is saying a lot.
And though it may not be your creepiest, but Tinder is definitely on your phone too; slowly…so, fucking, slowly, searching for “anyone new around you”.
Not since the advent of christianmingles.com has seeking desperate hookups been so dangerously easy, and you’re loving every second of it.
Its hard to say whether this app will genuinely benefit the single world by expanding the dating pool, or just rain hell on society by instigating a new strain of syphilis. Only time will tell.But if you’re sitting around wasting hours of your youth tindering, you should at least reap the benefits.
If something's worth doing, it's worth doing right.
Stop wondering why you aren’t getting any matches after your tireless hours of “liking”, and keep reading; because you probably fall into one of the following ten categories of bros.
Those "nopes" sting, but you brought it on yourself. Time to make some changes.
1. Shirtless Guy
We got it biceps; you work out. Which we already knew, because we hear your grunts at the bench press multiple days a week—when we’re at the gym too. But that doesn’t mean that we take—okay, it doesn’t mean we share-- shirtless pics from Lavo brunch this past weekend. Of course washboard abs are always a plus but if that's your number one selling point, you ain't nothin’ but a piece of man meat. We won't protest one classy beach shot, but try to come off just slightly less shallow while leaving a little to the imagination.
2. Bro on Babes on Babes
Sure, Lil Wayne pulls it off; but when you have ladies stacked on your arms, shoulders and thighs in all of your pictures, we see right through your motives—and we’re not coming running. We know you like girls, so don't try to prove to us that they like you back. For every third babe in your picture, your douche status increases by roughly 30%. That’s just a quick estimate, but that’s a whole lotta douche vibe to give off before even meeting you. Next.
3. Bro, or Dog?
Everybody knows that chicks dig pets. And even more, dudes who can care for pets…responsible nature, paternal instinct, etc. Apparently that shit is sexy. But if you’re trying to match up with babes via Tinder, ONLY showing pictures of your lab puppy is not going to cut it.
Don’t get me wrong, he’s goddamn cute. And how could he not be? It’s a fucking puppy. But we're really looking for more of a bipedal, articulate match. So show your fucking face.
4. Baby Daddy Drama
Come on, guy with kid. Isn't it protocol among your kind to hide your bastard children until women fall in love with you? We'd prefer to keep it that way. Talk about airing your emotional baggage..and your shit stinks.
“This breau already knocked up some chick out of wedlock?! OMG, perfect..”
Count, me…fucking out.
5. Jailbait Bro
Listen, Pete, 16—I’m sure you’re nice and all. And maybe you’ve even lost your virginity (to your hand), but you're playing way out of your league. Before your photo even loads (Tinder really is so…fucking…slow) we've noped your prepubescent ass. Don’t overstep your boundaries; you’ve still got a lot to learn before we'll even consider robbing your cradle. And I mean...a lot.
But if your older brother wants to holler, do make sure to give him our digits.
6. Bro Seeking Jailbait
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Adam, 47; shouldn’t you be having dinner with your wife and kids right now? Don’t you have some fucking bills to pay? How did you even find out about this app? Did you find it on your teenagers phone? Are you using a Blackberry? I have so many questions, but refuse to match with a balding, divorced dad simply for the sake of receiving answers.
Too creepy, too risky. Shame on you, old dad. Shame on you.
7. Unidentifiable Bro In Group
You think your moderately attractive bro companions will dilute your not-so-impressive visage. Interesting strategy; but we’re onto your shit. In a sea of hugging, chugging, fist pumping bros we know exactly which one you are- stage right, awkward smile; BL Platinum in one hand, your BBF's (Best Breau Friend) balls in the other.
And even if we can pinpoint you as the reasonably cute one amidst the sweaty group shot, make sure your homies really are up to par. Not that we’ll ever agree to meet in person, but if we did, we would never want it to be with the group of Ed Hardy jabronis in pictures 2-4.
8. Faux-Single Breau
If every one of your photos features your arm around the waist of the same girl in various romantic locales, why the fuck did you bother downloading this app in the first place? Have some fucking respect. If you’re in a relationship with one girl you shouldn’t be attempting matches with hundreds of others within a five mile radius of your (shared) apartment. Let me guess, you told her its "just as a joke". We know better.
Homie, don’t, play, that.
My first thought before “nope-ing” someone without any photos at all is usually, “Oh god...my third serial killers match this week”. Really, Ted, 36? I'd be more inclined to "like" a dog pic. Your refusal to show any hint of being an actual person fucking creeps me out. Auras don’t translate over Tinder so get with the shallow program and flash us some pearly whites, Dahmer.
10. Ex-Breau, or Friend or Ex
When you willingly enter a forum with single person across a ten mile radius of yourself, weird shit is bound to happen. This is especially true, and disturbing, when you live in New York, and every person living in Manhattan is within your tin-dar. Often this means people from our past who have made the black list, or the shit list, and either way are getting noped immediately. Its just the way it is.