Unfortunately, these womenfolk we be doing have bodies that… sometimes… how can I explain this? Have you ever taken a bath? And when you were done, unplugged the drain to let all the old water out? It’s like that.
That’s right adults, I’m talking about periods. There are a lot of women who get periods. And during that that four-day period (see what I did there?) some of them aren’t all that interested in sex. Then again, some are kind of interested. And some are like Fuck yea, let’s do it I don’t curr.
What I’m trying to say is that women come in all shapes and sizes. They’re like breakfast cereals. But no matter which woman you’ve chosen (More like Captain Munch ‘cause she sucks my dick so much) you should follow these standard practices for shagging when she’s ragging.
DON’T: Pressure Her: You never want to be the man who tries to makes women do something they don’t want to. We kid about that a lot, but if a girl doesn’t want to have sex on her period, don’t tell her it’s no big deal, or keeping asking and asking. Moses didn’t beg God to let him part the Red Sea, so neither should you. Jack off to pornography instead. You love jacking off to pornography. Who knows, if you are polite and respectful about it, maybe she’ll come around.
DO: Wear A Condom: I know. Condoms are for the nerds. But you know what else is lame? Bowleggedly ambling to your bathroom with a dick smeared in iron-rich uterine lining. So preempt that sitch by strapping one on. Plus, you can pretend you are sleeping with someone else. You do wear a condom when you cheat, right? Yea, me neither.
DON’T: Mention It: I don’t care if it feels great because there’s so much extra lubricating goo or feels as lame putting your dick in a kettle of vichyssoise. There’s nothing a woman wants to hear less than you telling her how much you like fucking her while she’s menstruating. That’s just weird. And if it feels awful, don’t be like Gurl, your vag is wack today. Politely decline the next time she suggests it.
DO: Fuck Like Normal: If you aren’t interested in seeing coagulation collect on your cock, there are definitely positions to avoid. Perhaps one that rhymes with Froggy Pile. But other than that, do your usual thing. That said…
DON’T: Go Down: Full disclosure, I’ve never gone down on a girl during her period, but I can’t imagine it’s a good idea, unless it’s 20 minutes before a Halloween party and you’re going as Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight.
DO: Put Down A Towel: One time I said I don’t need to put down a towel. Shit won’t be that bad. So I was wrong and now whenever I strip my bed sheets, I get to remember that great time four years ago with Lauren. Hi Lauren. It’s just always smarter to think worse case. Remember when New Orleans was like Ehhh , these levees are probs fine? Yea. If you’re really worried, do it at her place.
DON’T: Run To The Bathroom: The quickest way to ensure you’ll never get to have period sex again is by scrambling to clean yourself the moment you two are done. Relax, chill. You’ll be able to wash off in due time. Acting like you’ll die if you don’t immediately get a moist towelette is insulting.
DO: Shampoo Your Pubes After: Trust me.
[Period sex image via ShutterStock]