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10 Places That Are Definitely Not Cool To Smoke Weed In, But Should Anyway

By / 08.22.14

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Smoking marijuana is a wonderful hobby. Not only is it generally harmless and tons of fun, but it also seems to compliment everything. Honestly, I’m at the point in life where people who don’t get stoned before going to the beach or to the movies almost freak me out. Weed really does make everything you do seem better: long trips in the car, boring, family functions, traffic court…not only does it make these things bearable — it makes them fun. It makes you want to smoke a little weed everywhere you go, and dammit, I’m here to tell you that you can! If you share the Rebel Soul like yours truly, sometimes you just have to get out of the house and get stoned somewhere you really shouldn’t. Here’s a list of places that everyone should burn one down around at least once. I won’t be mad at you for smoking at these places, but I can’t promise the same for everyone else.

(Oh, and always make sure to have a “Sober Sam” on speed dial in case you need a lift. If you ever get stranded you can always try driving with your hazards on to let the other drivers know how stoned you are, though I don’t generally recommend this practice.)

1. Church
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Before you get all uptight and self righteous, remember that God made weed and Jesus always wore sandals. I’m sure our Heavenly Father doesn’t mind if a member of his flock hits a peace pipe before praising. Think about what church really is for a moment; a bunch of people gathering together to chant and sing along to live music. Jesus didn’t die for our sins, he died so he could start the never ending Festival. Plus, being in church stoned makes the organ sound soooo much better.

 

2. The Grand Canyon
Everyone can benefit from appreciating nature. There’s so much beauty in the world around us, yet we choose to focus solely on the material aspect of our hectic modern lives — you know what — I have my reasons, but this guy’s are way better.

3. The Zoo
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Going to the zoo stoned is always a good time, plus getting caught isn’t that big of a deal considering the overwhelming majority of zoo employees will only be mad that you didn’t include them in the burn sesh. I may be speaking for myself here, but my ability to telepathically communicate with chimpanzees goes up ten-fold after ingesting the sacred herb. Oh, and if you can, try to go to zoos that have recreated wildlife exhibits for the animals so you don’t get all bummed out and try to free them from their cages.

4. Children’s Plays
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Despite all the love we have for our little ones, these things tend to suck. Plus, if it’s the place you went to school you get the added bonus of smoking at the old alma mater. You can even get all up in your 5th grade teacher’s face like, “What teach? I’m ripped. Gotta problem?”

5. The White House
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Most of the people on the Secret Service aren’t gonna be very understanding of you jonesing for some of that sweet sticky icky while inside The President’s digs. You might want to consider eating a brownie for this one, though you could go the Metal Gear Solid route. Just throw on some spandex, blaze in the shadows and you’ve got yourself a good time. Make sure to watch out for old “Vacuum Lungs Obama,” I heard that guy uses his executive orders to nick personal stashes all over the country. Dude never pays for nugs.

6. Amusement Parks
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This is a place where people tend to lay off the smoke but I say go harder! Going down a water slide stoned should be a rite of passage for males entering adulthood. Seriously, how tight would it be to have a picture of yourself hitting a bubbler on the log flume? All I’m saying is that we should all get high and go on a rollercoaster at least once in our lifetime, but go easy. Start on the tea cups and work your way up. No need to be a hero.

7. Your Job
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This one’s up to you. I can personally attest to it getting in the way at my old telemarketing job, but at least now I’m not a telemarketer anymore, so…

8. Inside A Crowded Bar
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This is risky, but it can be done. You just need a one hitter, fast hands, and a good poker face. Watching everyone freak out because they smell weed is such a good time.

9. A Busy Street Corner
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Sometimes it’s good to just smoke a joint in public. It’s fun pretend like it’s totally legal and act confused when people walk by and make a big stink about it. I’ve been caught in the act by a couple cops and both times they just gave me a good scare and made me put it out. Oh, and FYI, you can’t stub it out and keep the roach for later. They don’t allow it.

10. Any State Besides Washington and Colorado

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According to our Federal Government it’s not chill to smoke in any states besides Washington and Colorado. Sure in California it’s basically all the way legal though they still hide behind doctors for sake of bureaucracy, but for most of us out on the East Coast it’s still harshly enforced in certain cases. Some states are decriminalizing to ease the burden on the penal system, meaning you can have a little bit of weed on you, but you just can’t buy or sell or grow it. So, you can only smoke chronic that you magically willed into existence? Whatever. I’ll just have to keep getting stoned in Pennsylvania like the modern day Jesse James that I am.

[Image via Shutterstock]


TAGSMarijuana
Matt McCusker
About Matt McCusker... Matt McCusker is a Philadelphia-bred stand up comic who's recently been awarded "Philly's Funniest Person." When he's not out blessing the world with his gift of spoken word he chooses to stay in the house and hang out with his wife and dog in absolute and utter silence. It's really weird.

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