Because I’ve been single for the past four years, the one constant in my life is first dates. I’ve been on dozens and tried every variety. There have been lunch dates, coffee dates, drink dates. Hell I think I once even took a girl for a walk.
But there’s one type of first date I will never partake in, even though it’s been the standard for over half a century. I will never take a girl to dinner.
There’s nothing less enjoyable, effective or worthwhile than dinner on a first date. It’s an anachronism from our 1950s, sock hop culture. And if girls aren’t willing to look adorable anymore in poodle skirts, I’m not willing to take them to the steakhouse in the big city. Sorry. Cultural evolution’s a bitch.
But if you think it’s a good idea, allow me to explain why you are completely wrong.
Dinner isn’t impressive: There was a time when women weren’t allowed to enter fine dining establishments unless they were accompanied by a jacketed gentleman (probably). Then, they’d be so blown away by the place they’d have no choice but to marry you (again, maybe). But now, thanks to suffrages, feminism and equality, ladies frequent restaurants all the time. Sometimes a few of them go, sometimes a lot. Heck, they are even allowed go by themselves.
Plus, with equal pay becoming more the norm, it’s not like you need to display your ability to provide. Look at this spread I have foisted open you. Our table is laden with roasted meats and butter-based sauces.
Since she can just as equally whip out her credit card for the food, you get no points.
Dinner is expensive: Thanks to advances in factory farming, meat is cheaper than ever. But somehow, that price isn’t reflected in today’s restaurants. Entrees are like, $25 or shit like that. And on a dinner date, you need to purchase two them. Absurd, I know, but it’s true.
Drinks alone are expensive enough these days, what with all bartender fashioning themselves mixologist and flavored-infused vodkas taking over every menu. It’s rare I can get out of a drink date for under $40. That’s a significant amount of money to drop on someone you may have no future with. Dinner would be almost double that.
Dinner doesn’t have any outs: Say you’ve been set up on a blind date. If you suggest coffee or drinks, after you’ve consumed your first cup of hot or cold liquid and realized you could never date a girl missing an index finger, you can easily end the evening. Sorry, but I have to file my taxes tonight (mad points if the date is on April 14th). But at dinner, what happens if before the appetizer arrives you begin to hate the sound of her voice. The only way you can leave then is by claiming your uncle had to undergo emergency surgery. But now you look like a shitty person for scheduling a date with one of your relatives in such poor health.
We are unattractive when eating: If I had to pick an action to perform to impress a girl, it would probably be playing tennis or holding a cocktail while wearing a suit. Eating would be extremely far down the list. It’s freaking disgusting watching a person mash their teeth to cut through fibrous strands of celery and gnaw on the gristle of a pork chop. The accompanying gulping sound of swallowing. Awful.
Plus, I’m a mess when I eat. I barely get through drink dates without spilling beer on my shirt. If I took a girl to dinner she’d almost instantly be ashamed to be out with a person whose knife and fork skills are comparable to a toddlers. Nope.
So get coffee. Grab a few cocktails. Heck go bowling if you think she’d find that fun. Just don’t do dinner. You’ll be happier, better off, and save a fuck wad of bills. You’re welcome.
[Dinner date image via ShutterStock]