Bros! You know how to fuck, don’t you?
Of course you know how to fuck, you are a Bro. What kind of plop dick question is that?
But …
What if you didn’t know how to fuck?
Writer Madeleine Holden (who did a piece for us a while back about dick pics) is a hilarious tweeter (@moscaddie) with a really engaged follower base. So when she posted a tweet asking to hear the bad sex moves dudes try, I knew the responses would be gold.
So Bros. Even if you think you’re great, spend a little time here learning.
if you have sex with men tell me the bad sex moves they do that you hate with your life, let's raise awareness
— maddie (@moscaddie) August 5, 2015
“”
Here we go.
@moscaddie WHY DO MEN FINGER U LIKE THIS pic.twitter.com/zprpz0wQMW
— didi (@priya_ebooks) August 5, 2015
“”
Don’t jab. Don’t jab. Whatever you do, don’t jab. And why is that?
@moscaddie the whole POINT is that they can bend & go places a dick can't. it's lazy af to repeat ur poor in and out dick moves w fingering
— didi (@priya_ebooks) August 5, 2015
“”
Come hither motions. They work.
@moscaddie me: i'm about to come *does everything faster and more ferociously* okay well I was about to come nvm
— Beth Searby (@koalaincognito) August 5, 2015
“”
Keep a steady pace when you’re about to help your partner achieve orgasm. And don’t come until after. You can do this.
@moscaddie DUDES WHO ARE WEIRDLY QUIET
— Grace Spelman (@GraceSpelman) August 5, 2015
“”
Say some stuff during sex (I’m guilty of this one).
@moscaddie tongue in ear canal. I can literally HEAR your tongue and there's basically 0 nerve endings inside an ear ya fucking goon.
— Angela Vitello (@angie__pants) August 5, 2015
“”
Don’t tongue fuck her ear, bro.
@moscaddie rubbing somewhere in the general vicinity of my clit for 2 min + then excitedly asking "did u cum yet?"
— nope fiend (@babyhorselegs) August 5, 2015
“”
Be patient. It takes time.
@moscaddie I get pretty mad at that thing where they want to 'prove' how much stamina they have disregarding that I'm both tired & satisfied
— Cara Ellison (@caraellison) August 5, 2015
“”
But if it seems like they are losing interest, ask.
@moscaddie not caring about lubrication
— lucky (@intheskywithd) August 5, 2015
“”
Lube. It. Up.
@moscaddie The voracious pig at a trough method of cunnilingus that seems so prevalent in straight porn.
— Suzan Eraslan (@SuzanEraslan) August 5, 2015
“”
Cunnilinguate with dexterity.
@moscaddie Surprise analingus on multiple occasions, super fast inner thigh spanking with request for none of the above
— Alana Massey (@AlanaMassey) August 5, 2015
“”
Ask about the ass.
@moscaddie also, the spit. all the spit. my god, why the spit
— lauren (@laurelita) August 5, 2015
“”
You like spit. They do not like spit.
@moscaddie expecting a constant torrent of sex sounds from you or else you get hit with the "what's wrong?" due to porn expectations
— lauren (@laurelita) August 5, 2015
“”
Not everyone moans like a seal.
@moscaddie why they blow on ur vagina. why do they grab ur boob like its a stress ball.
— ford✨ (@teddybIess) August 5, 2015
“”
Carress the tits. And yea. Don’t blow on the vagina.
@moscaddie when they just try stick it in u without any foreplay
— female supremacist (@hayleymasi) August 5, 2015
“”
Gotta be gentle. Gotta prep.
@moscaddie i've held out long enough: how has no one mentioned the "flickering candle" oral technique
— Sweatpants Wearer (@McLeemz) August 5, 2015
“”
idk even what this is but don’t do that.
@moscaddie Getting offended/annoyed when you want to use a vibrator.
— Kat (@chickadee13) August 5, 2015
“”
Trust me when I say that adding a vibrator is the best thing you can do. Takes all the pressure off you.
@moscaddie bad, offensive, straight-from-porn sexy talk
— Level 70 Wizandrist (@verylemonade) August 5, 2015
“”
You aren’t a porn star, don’t talk like it.
@moscaddie once, rather than using proper lubrication, a guy hocked a loogie on my vagina. Coughed and spit. On my vagina.
— Voss Water (@NotYoHoneyPie) August 5, 2015
“”
Don’t do that. Ever. But lastly, always remember sex is a mutual act.
@moscaddie perhaps the crown jewel of bad sex tho .,,,NOT CARING ABOUT MY PLEASURE AT ALL https://t.co/vLOipxU3Lb
— nope fiend (@babyhorselegs) August 5, 2015
“”
That’s it. It ain’t that hard.