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[Editor’s Note: That asterisk in the headline is to let you know that Fake Donald Trump answered these questions. But you might not know it by the answers he gives.]
Donald Trump is the most entertaining person alive. He’s like if you gave a 10 year old kid loads of sugar and then let him watch Terminator 2 on repeat, just bouncing off the walls. It’s not that he says how he truly feels; it’s more like he says the first thing he thinks he feels, which makes whatever comes out of his mouth so much more entertaining. My wish for Trump is not that he is elected President, instead that he ran a weekly column where he answered questions from the general public. To simulate how great this would be, I created the first one below.
Q: What do you think about Jets QB Geno Smith getting sucker punched by his own teammate?
“Only losers and zeros get sucker punched. I mean it and of course no disrespect to the kid, seems like a nice guy, a good kid. But he’s supposed to be a leader. Do you think leaders in China are getting sucker punched? Of course not. It’s a joke and I don’t know everyone, even though I am one of the most popular and richest men alive, BUT I DO KNOW Tom Brady. We’re pretty much best friends and he would never ever in a billion years get sucker punched. Unless it was by a Mexican who climbed over my 1,000 foot wall but that’s highly unlikely. In conclusion, the Jets are garbage just like Mike Huckabee’s giant fupa.”
Q: Speaking of Tom Brady, Did You See That Courtroom Sketch Of Him?
“Absolutely pathetic. P.A. thetic. It was a gross miscarriage of justice. Tom Brady’s face was worked on by God for over 18 hours. I know because I’m friends with lots of people in Heaven. It’s beautiful in every way. The dimple, the stubble, all of it. I’m getting rock hard just thinking about it. And to have some woman, of course a woman with no respect for that kind of beauty, draw him in such a manner is an absolute disgrace. If I wasn’t running for president I would sue her and everyone in her family right now on Tom’s behalf. I’d say ‘Hey ugly face, I know you probably could never get a guy like Tom but that doesn’t mean you have to draw him like your arms were crushed in a roller coaster accident.’ I of course have never been on a roller coaster, not because I don’t like rides but because they are operated by really low level people. Real scum of the earth.”
Q: You seem like you have lots of energy, do you eat breakfast every day?
“They say breakfast is for champions but honestly, it’s pretty stupid. I mean, I’m a champion, some might say the best champion and I’ve never eaten breakfast a day in my life. Once I ate a bagel which not only shows I’m willing to try new things but I’m also a friend of the Jews. But to be honest, it wasn’t for me. What is for me? Steak. I like steak because this was a living, breathing thing and I said ‘Hey you dumb little cow, I’m smarter than you.’ Then pow, he’s dead. And of course I’m eating the finest meat on the East Coast. Nothing that is trash of course, I only eat the finest quality meats.”
Q: Are You Excited For Sesame Street To Move To HBO?
“First let me just say that Sesame Street is a show for Communists. Really, it is. I mean, you’ve got all these bums on the sidewalk, are they homeless? One of them even lives in the trash. I mean, I thought Rosie O’Donnell’s living quarters were bad but this is outrageous. How are children supposed to know they can grow up and own golf courses if they are singing about the alphabet with a couple of junkies on government assistance? Now that it’s moving over to HBO, maybe things will spice up a little. It’s time to see Big Bird’s dick, or whatever he has under those feathers. Let’s see Elmo win a couple of street fights you know? Maybe we can see Cookie Monster find out he has diabetes. I won’t watch because I think TV is for LOSERS but since most people have low self-esteem I understand the draw.”
Q: What do you think about handjobs?
“Oh I used to get hand jobs all the time…and then I graduated from 4th grade. Honestly, who still gets these things? I’ll tell you who, absolute zeros. Morons with little to no self esteem. And I’ll tell you something, we’ve all been moo’ing before you know? We ‘ve all taken a woman home that wasn’t that attractive, well not me of course because I only have sex with the finest quality woman. But other people I’m sure do it. And maybe they don’t want to have too much fun. You know, maybe they are afraid of getting a disease that most ugly people have. But I would never associate with anyone who has needed a tub of lotion to get intimate. I mean it.”
Tweet your questions for “Donald Trump” to Mike Camerlengo.