I live in NYC, so I walk a lot. At least once during my daily commute, I am compelled to harass a dog-walking pedestrian. I’ll stop the guy and force him to stand there as I stroke his animal and confirm that the dog is a good boy in my high-pitched puppy voice. The pet owner forces a half-smile and hopes to keep it moving. The pup however, is in ecstasy. He wags his tail and kisses my hand, celebrating the bond cemented between man and beast many millennia ago.
Is this turning you on yet?
I don’t condone bestiality by any means, but I get it. How many times have you heard someone remark that a dog is “gorgeous” or “pretty” in dulcet tones? Soon enough it’ll just be “Wow, I’d love to fuck that Golden Retriever!” And why shouldn’t they? Luscious blonde hair, sparkly brown eyes, and a tongue that doesn’t quit. All right, enough.
We even care more about the welfare of canines than we do other people. I’ll walk past a homeless guy begging for change and pay it no mind. But if that same bum happens to be seated next to a sad-looking American Pitbull Mix, that dude’s getting half my paycheck at least. I’ll cheer on Patrick Bateman as he slaughters prostitutes all day, but I’ll be damned if I don’t fast-forward through the dog-stomping scene. And we all know that nothing will send you spiraling into depression faster than a Sarah McLachlan PSA.
So what is about our fuzzy friends that evoke such powerful/creepy emotions in us? Why do they pull on our heartstrings harder than Jennifer Lawrence on a crossbow? Here at the 5 Reasons Why Dogs are a Bro’s Best Friend.
5. They’re Emotional
Ever try to look into the eyes of a fish, cat or a Southern Hairy-Nosed Wombat? They’re soulless and alien, void of love or empathy. A dog is as expressive as a newborn. Their eyes light up with excitement and welcome all with a big goofy grin. Other animals just stare blankly and consider eating you.
4. They Help Weed Out the Crazies
There are two kinds of people in this world, those who love dogs and freaks. I have never met a well-adjusted person who didn’t melt at the sight of the furry and floppy-eared. Do you know who doesn’t like my dog? The bitch that doesn’t want it to get her dress dirty. The angry old man who forgot how to love years ago. The psychotic who is pretty sure it just told him to torch a Best Buy. I don’t need these people in my life. Dogs keep them out.
3. They’re Pussy Magnets
No brainer. No kidney-er, while we’re at it. Women want men who can be nurturing and responsible at the same time. Like the kind of guy who can take care of an animal. They’re the perfect ice-breaker too. What better way to meet someone than by letting Farfel off the leash and having him accidentally sniff her crotch. “Sorry about that, he loves pretty girls…. I’m Evan, by the way.”. Chicks love kids, but having a kid infers you’re a single parent with tons of emotional baggage and alimony woes. Basset hounds are drama-free!
2. They’re Loyal
The one quality we all look for in a friendship. I could spend my day murdering people and leaving toilet seats up and it’s a non-issue. My dog will be at home, waiting attentively at the door for the chance to love me up regardless. We’ve all seen those YouTube videos of soldiers returning home from war. After all that time fighting abroad, their dogs never forget who they are. Or join a new family. Or become pacifist hippies. They go right back to loving their masters, PTSD notwithstanding.
1. They Can Transform You
Being a man is all about never letting your guard down. Until you come face–to-snout with a puppy! I’ve seen hardened criminals melt at the sight of tail-waggers. There’s a reason why those who have dogs live longer; they make you feel loved, quell anxiety, and save you from burning houses. Dogs enrich your life, like a fresh air or hi-speed wi-fi. No other animal can bring you the benefits a dog can. A cat will murder you in your sleep, a dog will throw himself in front of danger to save your life. Also, sometimes, they’ll lick peanut butter off your balls.
Do you love dogs as much as I do? Are you a cat person? Not a person who likes cats, but a feline-humanoid born out of some terrible scientific mishap? Do you live in the sewers only to emerge for stray tuna cans? Do you constantly question your birth? I think you should fight crime. It’s only fitting. Leave your crazy tails of being a Fighting Feline in the comments section!!!
Krum is an NYC based comedian, follow him on Twitter @KrumLifeDotCom