Q: Long-time reader from the land Down Under here, with a question that's been bugging me for a while. As you may or may not know, prostitution is legal in Australia, and in the Eastern states brothels are also legal. I've asked the following question to a couple of mates, but need another opinion. My question is, does a hooker count in your 'number'?
Things to consider: If your mate asked you how many girls you had slept with, would you include the hooker? What if it was a girl asking? What if there had been streetwalkers/brothel inhabitants, do they count as 1?
It almost feels like cheating, so I think it doesn't count. Kinda like blowjobs, are they included if that's all you get from the girl?
Obviously I need an answer to this pertinent and troubling question.
A: Before we go any further: blowskis never count and only a fucking dolt would tell a girl his actual number. I was a fucking dolt once and all I learned was to never be a fucking dolt again.
Now, should hookers count towards your total? Oh, you best believe I have real human thoughts about this.
As I sat and pondered your question, two revelations as to whether or not you should include sex with hookers in your “number” have surfaced in my head space, and both told me “YES, DAWG.” (My inner voice is famed rapper/car-pimper-outer Xzibit)
In the age of promiscuity and “Bro, did ya fuck her? AHHHH YA FUCKED HER!” high fives is there another number that matters more in a man's life than his carnal conquests? (Bank accounts obviously notwithstanding. Money solves all problems… Is what I think Gandhi was trying to say.)
Gone are the days when penis length — or the ability to live decently and resist temptresses — was the measure of a man. You could be packing a buffalo cock in your pants but if you're not slangin' it no one cares. Especially your Bros. It's not to say they even care at all, really, but they pretend to. And if you're THAT GUY with only nine bangs on his belt — SINGLE DIGITS! HA HA! — you'll know about it. So you're only hurting yourself if you don't add a hooker to your total.
Is there such a thing as sex you don't pay for? If your only in it for the warmth of a well-secreted gash, buying $200 worth of dinner and drinks is basically the same thing as your buddy dropping two bills on Candi's already agape twat.
No matter how you slice it, it costs money to get some stankity stank on your hang-low. So I'm absolutely counting paid sex with a hooker as sex.
Q: Bro, I need your advice now more than ever. Kind of a serious post and I hate to dampen the mood, but here it goes. So, I'm going to be a junior in college. I get a good amount of girls, and lately I've been having a lot of unprotected sex with multiple partners. Unfuckingfortunately, the week before finals, I was blackout and hit up an old sluttly booty call at 3 am. I went ot her room and against my better judgment, fucked her bare. This fucking broad gave me genital herpes. Symptoms aren’t bad and it goes away, but who fucking cares herpes is for life. I obviously can't tell anyone I have this or I'll be blacklisted from every slice of vag I can sniff. So, what do I do? Keep getting my nut and wear a condom? What about head? I can't transmit it when the sores aren’t active but god forbid I'm out and have some chance to score, if i know my sores are out do I just go out at night with no intention of spitting game and bagging some girl? Basically, all in all, how the fuck do I keep through college with herpes. Sorry for the serious, down nature of this post. You're the man.
A: GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! You weren't lying; this is a real mood dampener.
You have to approach this question you’re asking yourself with the same mentality as you would if you didn't have herpes. Right now, you're all like “This ain't so bad, totally capable of living with this forever.”
That, however, is no one else's stance when it comes to herpes. And I guarantee if someone with herpes asked you a few months ago (when you were herp-free, livin’ the dream and shit), “Should I bang chicks without telling them if I've got lifetime prescription to Valtrex in my pants?” you'd say “FUCK NO, BRO.” And you'd do so with no hesitation. Now that you've got it, your tune seems like it might have conveniently changed.
I think you owe it to anyone — if you've got a patch of live sores or not — to tell them and let them decide if they want to risk getting herpes. Of course I'd be lying if I told you that that isn't easier said than done, but condom or not, it is the right way to go about this.
Q: Would you rather get anally raped by a Silverback Gorilla OR get your asshole licked by an old gay guy?
A: Bring on the Silverback, Son. No fancy pants, old gay man ass-play for this cat. If I'm going to the depths of personal hell I'm getting there on a bullet train. So bring on that SILVAAAABACK and let him tear me to shreds.
I mean, when you tell someone about it, would you rather say:
“Someone's gay granddaddy tongue punched my shit trap.”
“Got raped by a Silverback when I wasn't looking. His girth-laden cock ripped my asshole pretty bad. Almost bled-out. Thank god I know my way around a butterfly stitch.”
On second thought, both of these suck an equal amount of that gay old man's dick.
Q: Long time fan here and having a dilemma. Here’s my situation: there's this girl I really really like, we've been hooking up for about 2 months now and really like each other. Only problem is she got out of a 7 year relationship ( I know) awhile ago and is hesitant to start another, she says she sees us going in that direction, but wants to take it slow. Now she says she wants to hook up with other guys but it has nothing to do with us emotionally, she just doesn’t want to be tied down, at least until the summer. I don't know what to do, she says I'm pushing the relationship too fast and rushing her into calling us a thing, even though were basically dating.
I don’t know whether to end it, and tell her if she wants to be a hook up with other guys, do it without me. Or to suck it up for a bit longer, and then get more serious later on. Let me also mention this girl is a freak in bed, I've never experienced sex like this and I've had my fair share. So this isn't a relationship I want to give up too fast, but I don't want to be a pussy here.
A: Get the fuck out of there and chalk it up as poor timing. She just burned through seven years of her life with some guy she didn’t end up marrying; do you think she is anxious to make that same mistake again with you? Six months from now? Maybe. Today? No shot.
Have you ever been in a “I just want to hook up all over town” mindset only to have a girl try to wrangle you in? I bet nothing she could say or do could change your mind just like nothing you attempt will alter this chick's desires. It's a fool's game to sit idly by, looking pitiful, waiting for her to “come around.” Because she won't.
You're better off walking away and letting her figure out what she's just lost. Rather than reminding her what she might lose, because if you continue to push her, she will continue to resist.
Q: I'm an avid reader of your site and TFM. I'm a GDI. I would like to join a frat, but I don't know what frat I want to join. The biggest and “frattiest” frat at my school is widely considered douchebags and sleazebags, and are accused of everything from killing puppies to raping girls. But I also feel like the other smaller frats aren't “real” frats. They do little to no hazing, don't have houses, and are small chapters. However, I was rushing the “fratty” frat before I knew a lot about it, and had a bid. Except, my grades were not good enough. So they told me to come back in the fall. I don't know if I want to pledge there now, but I don't know where to pledge instead. Any suggestions on choosing a frat? Also, would it be frowned upon to pledge another frat then the one I rushed and would be in if it weren't for my grades.
Side question: Many people make fun of frats by saying they “pay for friends”, what is the counter argument here and how to deal with these people?
A: Killing puppies and raping girls? I thought our society was getting smarter. Those are still the rumors swirling around campuses for the frattiest frats, huh? Unreal. I went through the same bullshit when I was in school and I wound up joining the fraternity that GDI's claimed roofied and raped girls. Well, in four years I never so much as saw a roofie and no one raped a girl or did anything remotely close. Although I did watch one mentality-unstable brother take off all his clothes in the in the middle of a party, point his dick at his mouth and drink his own urine. Pretty sure that raped my innocence just a little.
You would be best served to join the frat with dudes who think and act the way that you think and act. Surround yourself with like-minded individuals; guys who remind you of your boys from high school. If you like to play sports, drink beers and have really non-rapey sex with women, join the frat that is known for dominating sports, drinking brews, and having tons of consensual sex. Of course negative rumors will always exist, but I guarantee that at least eighty-three percent of the guys in your frat have never raped a puppy. And that brings up another thing, you are not going to be best friends with every guy in the house so don't shy away from joining because you think five guys are insufferable cunts. It is just the way it goes.
As for people saying, “you pay for friends if you join a fraternity,” I mostly scoff at that notion. And I say “mostly” because there are exceptions. In every fraternity house around the country I'm willing to bet there are guys who definitely don't belong but got bids anyway and became brothers because people know they had money or family ties to the fraternity or other powerful affiliations within the school. Most of those guys usually don't last or they have very few friends within the house.
If you really marinate on it, you'll realize how stupid of a comment it is. In most colleges and universities, guys in fraternities are some of the most social dudes on campus. To even suggest they couldn't make friends with other people is absurd. Do yourself a favor and join if you really want to join. Stop giving so many shits about when other people think. Outside of Internet tough guys who the fuck is actually saying, TO YOUR FACE, “you joined a fraternity because you had to buy your friends?” My guess is no one who matters.
Q: Quick-hitter here shithead. Do strip-clubs constitute as cheating in any sense?
A: You're the one asking if going to a strip club counts as cheating and I'M THE SHITHEAD? Only in an alternate universe run completely by shitheads, much like yourself, would going to a titty bar to get a half-chub count as cheating. Now, if you fuck a stripper that's a different story. A story that should end with “and that's how Chastity became the 43rd girl I fucked.” COUNT IT!
[Hooker image via ShutterStock]