Q: So I was seeing this girl from my class and we were into each other (never boned).
I'd sleep at her house but she never wanted to get a feel for my family jewels. So all of a sudden we both went out of town and we stopped texting. I thought she threw me to the wind but finally after a month gave in and called her to tell her I really liked her and to ask her what happened with us she told me her phone got stolen and lost my number… Totally threw me off now I feel hesitant to tell her how I really feel because I'll look like a psycho. What in gods sweet ass do I say to her when and if I see her next?
A: Take a breath between sentences, for starters. She doesn't know how much sweat has dripped from your pores as you scratched out line after line on your love confession cheatsheet…so try to sweat less, ya creep. You still have a shot at redemption.That said, if you guys were doing the no-touch snuggle dance on the reg, she may just not be into it. She still may be lying about the phone theft, so avoid coming at her with emotional guns blazing. Pick up where you left off, ideally with a little progression to the cuddle circumstances, and stash the love note away for later in the game.
Q: Alright babe, my girlfriend and I have been debating something, and we need your all knowing opinion to settle this. I play lacrosse and have a full head of what you might call “flow,” “lettuce,” or any other douchey term for hair. When I play, I wear a thin headband to keep the hair out of my face. Same goes for when I work out or go running. She never passes up the opportunity to call me a homo or a little girl, and insists it's fucking gay. Is it? Virtually every other fellow laxer or hockey breau with long hair I know wears one, but she is very adamant about this. Plus, girls wear them for the same reason, so why can't we? What's your take, babe?
A: Greetings, young lax breau. Despite your douchey juvenile lingo, I am, as always, flattered to be the chosen voice of reason. And I think you'll be happy with the decision too, because I will forever and always dig the flow. Or lettuce, or whatever the fuck you want to call it. It's sexy. And your lady should appreciate that too. I enjoy a dude who has enough confidence in his manhood to let his locks grow long; and if they're long enough that they require a headband then so, fucking, be it. Who cares?
You know who I think is gay? Your girlfriend. Don't take that the wrong way. But sort of do. If she can't appreciate your confidence and a healthy head of hair to grab onto, then she just doesn't deserve the advantage.
Let her read this, and when she gets pissed, tell her to call me. I'll never actually give her my number but it'll be symbolic of how serious I am about my informed stance on the topic.
Q: Recently I lost over 150 lbs., turned my degree into a successful job, and started becoming a bit more attractive to the opposite sex. A girl I was the mayor of the friend zone with is showing a great deal of interest. I'm skeptical as to whether or not I pursue it, seems like less poundage and more money aren't reasons to be with someone. Should I give her a shot, or assume she's lonely and shallow and move along??
A: I hate to address this issue in such a blunt manner…but who wouldn't be more attracted to someone when they lost a shit ton of weight and found a whole lot of money?
That's a pretty solid tradeoff that even the least shallow person couldn't deny the validity of.
On a positive note, there's a chance that you weren't wading as deep in friendzone shit and tar as you thought; and in fact all it took to lift you out was that little extra push.
All human beings develop their most basic attractions based on physical appearance, which you just vastly improved — so don't over analyze. Just run with it. Make ex-friendzone chick sweat it out a little bit if you feel so inclined — turn the tables and make her want you more, then act as you see fit.
Q: Simple question: does height really matter?
A: Simple response: Yup.
More complex response: Not always.
Honestly the biggest determinant in the situation is the height of the woman involved; tall women care much more about having a significantly taller — or at the very least, equal — body frame to bump up against. Which makes sense.
And I would sort of assume that this goes both ways because unless Giselle Bundchen is on your arm, it's probably a little emasculating to be strolling with a chick who looks like she could give you a piggy back ride.
For the record, I don't actually know how tall Giselle is. Didn't even bother googling it. Just think she's sexy.
Now when it comes to short chicks, you've got a lot more leeway in terms of inches.
In your height, that is. Not your dick. Much less leeway there.
Anyways, for the little ladies they're much more willing to go for a dude who's only an inch or two taller than them because they're like fuck it; I'm so small already I really don't care. Small vs. short metrics aside, I won't deny that there's just something inherently really sexy about an exceptionally tall dude. You can assume he's big and strong enough to protect you against any predators, and you can say things like, “I feel so small in your arms”…which are both positive things.
Q: In the past few months I've been reading your advice. I gotta say you seem pretty well-informed but I don't agree with your thing about threesomes. I don't think it's fair to say that girls don't like them and highlight the main problem being with two guys. Why the bias all of a sudden?
A: Alright alright; before another 50 of you get all up in arms and make some lengthy comment using your Facebook profile–that's right motherfuckers, I know what your faces look like– hear me out.
You have every right to defend your desire to stare into another dudes eyes while you cum inside the same girl, but that isn't what I was addressing specifically last week.
The question pertained specifically to “pig-roasting”, which as it has been defined to me, is one dude fucking a girl from behind who is bent over sucking another dude off. Hence, the girl is referred to as “the pig.” Now while I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that, the derogatory yet lighthearted way in which it is addressed does bother me. I just don't think it's standard threesome procedure.
So yes; I would be inclined 90 times out of 100 to have a threesome with one girl and one dude. That's a personal preference.
But let me be clear: I am in FULL SUPPORT of all things sexually exploratory, no matter how many people or objects are involved, so long as neither the dignity nor confidence are compromised- and that applies to all parties involved — I don't give a shit who you have sex with.
Sex is beautiful and fun and awesome, but it demands a certain level of respect and understanding. And I stand by that.
Dropping the mic.
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[Girl on phone image via ShutterStock]