When people come to my door I hide because no good can come from this. It's either a Jehovah's Witness, a door-to-door salesman, or a neighbor, and I hate my neighbors. If only these two women were as savvy as me then they wouldn't have had their funbags groped by an old pervert.

Phillip Winikoff is a spry 81-year-old, he's still a practicing physician and even makes house calls. The only issue Winikoff has is that he's really not a doctor, but that didn't stop him from walking door-to-door and offering free breast exams to women. In April 2006 two gullible women obliged to receive the free health care, and as the saying goes, "You get what you pay for."

Winikoff even carried a real, genuine, little black doctor's bag like they did 30-years-ago. A 36-year-old ditzy woman told detectives he started the exam by fondling her breasts, but when the man's hands wandered elsewhere (her beaver), that's when she realized that he was no gynecologist and the gig was up. The victim called 911, but Winikoff was already on to the next one and groped another gullible dunderhead.

Winikoff was charged with three counts of sexual battery, two counts of practicing medicine without a license, two counts of simple battery, one count of using the title of doctor without a license, and one count of being a sexual deviant mastermind. What a brilliant old mol*sting innovator!

Winikoff had reached a plea deal with prosecutors. It is not known if the deal will keep the old man out of prison. It's a beautiful thing to have the Alzheimer's card in your lawyer's pocket. If tried and convicted, he could have been sentenced to more than 45 years in prison for the sexual battery charges and another 10 years for practicing medicine without a license.

I think Winikoff could have got away with it if it wasn't from those meddling kids and if he wore this t-shirt to legitimize his practice.