Simple solution: change your outlook. Instead of asking, “What situation is the most familiar?” ask yourself, “What situation is going to make the best story?” whenever you find yourself at a Bone Thugs-N-Harmony-esque crossroads. Sure, “doing it for the story”, or “DIFS” to the acrostically prone, may sometimes have unintended consequences, but, ideally, these repercussions will take the form of hilarious anecdotes to relive the next day and preferably not take the form of posting bail or prescriptions for antibiotics.
The choice is yours—do you want to continue being the guy who no one likes and who won’t shut up about Smallville and NCIS, or do you want to be Bar Mitzvah’ed into the International House of DIFS brotherhood? Dues are free, membership lasts forever, and our colors are passion and blood. You get out of it what you put into it, but, if you do accept this lifestyle, I can make three guarantees:
1.You’ll Meet More People: Whether they be stray drug dealers, celebrities, or just fellow glory hole patrons, you can be sure that living for the story will have you in contact with more people outside of your inner circle. It’s like networking, but, instead of being rewarded with a boring internship you didn’t really want anyways, you’ll be rewarded by eventually working your way into networks that have a penchant for riverboat gambling, whaling with assault rifles, and bootlegging Coors beer.
Plus, when you expand your circle, you’ll likely have access to more drugs. Think about it, it’s a total bonus, what grips a person’s attention more: narratives from school social worker about how he’s never tried any drugs except alcohol in a D.A.R.E. presentation, or anecdotes overheard at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting? It’s really no contest—just be sure to insist on going to a real hospital, not that failed veterinarian operating in that crack den, if you ever realize you’ve been slipped a hot shot.
2. Expect Some Scuffles: Yeah, unfortunately everyone is not a good-time party chum and life is not all smiles and hot-tub orgies. Every once in awhile, someone isn’t going to recognize you and want to start something. Maybe it’s just because they’re ugly, perhaps you hustled them in some sort of high-stakes stripper boxing match, or maybe it’s just a dad going through a mid-life crisis trying to release a bunch of misdirected aggression. Either way, sometimes the best story to make involves aggravating people; I mean, that’s what all of history’s greatest dictators were thinking, right?
Even in dire situations you’ll still be able to get a quality story from it, plus, without violence, you wouldn’t have all the epic legends you’ll be able to recant each week after returning from fight club or tales from your spring break spent on a safari where you watched tribes of apes wage war with one another.
3. You’ll Have More Sex: Do it for the story and just go for it. Have confidence and realize that even if you strike out that can still be a funny story. Plus, when you embody the DIFS mentality, you’re standards are going to drop. You might end up with a volume of epics or an assortment of contemporary tragedies where the white whale to your Ahab is indeed a fat, white girl with a skin rash and nasty case of gout. You may have instances where you buy low and the kinda-ugly duckling with low self-esteem you scooped turns out to be better than expected, or you may have instances where that ugly duckling turns into an even more regrettable-looking duck in the harsh, unforgiving daylight. However, they all can turn into fun anecdotes to giggle about, as long as you can laugh at your mistakes, especially while they’re still in the apartment.
When you’re sexing more individuals you’re going to be introduced to more tendencies and habits, and, naturally, you’ll indulge for the story. Take the plunge and drink the DIFS Kool-Aid, or rather lick the peanut butter in this case. Who knows, you might uncover a fetish you never knew you had for handcuffs, Danny Glovers, or Cincinnati bow ties that takes you from six to Zero Dark Thirty at the mere thought of it.
However, it can be a double-edged sword, because those monogrammed butt beads you ordered in your post-coital, drunk stupor at five-in-the-morning are definitely non-refundable.
Think, if you do it for the story, at the end of the day, you’ll have plenty of material for a biography filled with violence, drugs, and sex that people would want to read instead of having enough content to write a report about how you’ve done nothing for forty years except hate work, gain weight, and watch cat videos.
I want more like this!
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