Life
by Fitz E Fresh on July 25, 2013

Q: Do girls take Tinder seriously? I feel like I've met some people who it's worked for but I haven't had luck with it.  What's the deal from your perspective?

A: And here we are…talking about Tinder again. Particularly for New Yorkers, I predict it'll be the catchphrase of 2013. And yes, I have encountered some people as well who have experienced sex– er, success, with the app. I even know people who have somehow found a suitable enough “match” to eventually call a girlfriend. Crazy. I've also run into a couple of friends, both guys and girls, out in the city on dates–and the moment the mystery person hits the bathroom, “don't say anything but…TINDER.” hits my ears. Awkward. But who can really bash an app that in theory actually helps to bring together people in common areas with common interests.

Okay; people in common areas who think each other are pretty. And then maybe find out later they're interested in the same shit. Whatever. Either way I think it's pretty hit or miss, and although it does have a success rate, it also has an expiration date. My girlfriends (all of whom are babes) were locked in pretty seriously for about 3-5 weeks; then after that, everyone was sort of over it and resumed dating as normal. Ya know, like, not based 100% on if the other person is hot or not.

Tindcest (yep, copyright via the Fitzionary) also became a problem amongst the lady friends–getting matched with the same dudes, or exes, or exes of friends, or guy friends…just sort of gets sticky. In concept, I'm on board with. In terms of execution, not as much.
 
Q: I know this girl 15 years younger than myself. I am a submissive male, successful and educated. How do I tell her that I want to be her slave and serve her? She is very hot…

A: Oh. well. This is me, being super creeped out. Alas, caught off guard, but never stumped. Here goes……a lot.

First off, 15 years is a BIG gap. I'm never one to put restraints on age/sex/race etc, but the difference between a prepubescent teen and an independent 30-year old is fairly undeniable. Let's be real here.

Secondly, I'm having a hard time with the fact that the first thing you divulge about yourself is your submissive nature; before successful, or educated. Pretty sure they should've been delivered in a different order. Evidently your submission is pretty significant to you…and I'll be damned if I'm not still really fucking confused by it, but it seems like it calls for a very specific type of female counterpart. So. To address your original question of how you tell her you want to be her slave and serve her….I kind of think you don't. Unless she's a Madame or mistress or whatever the fuck those ladies in sex caves call themselves, this is some VERY controversial shit, and despite how hot she may be,  I feel like you're barking up the wrong tree. The best recommendation I can give is taking that success and education and channeling it in a more fruitful direction. Firstly, probably a therapist. A healthy balanced relationship without defined dominatrix roles might be next.

I've exhausted my brain power in this weirdness…best of luck to you strange sir. I'm tappin' out.

Q: Babe, I really need a woman's perspective on this problem. I am in college. I have an uncircumcised penis. I am rather undecided on whether or not I should go forward with a circumcision procedure.

I have done a little google searching and I have found that circumcision is actually only mainly prevalent in American and Jewish communities. Americans/Jews find it “unsanitary”, while others around the world (Europe,Australia,etc.) find the whole circumcision idea “strange”(according to online sources). I have also found that some men who decided to go through a circumcision procedure complained that they lost “sensitivity” as a result of cutting the foreskin, which contains many nerve endings(again, according to online sources).

Now, I plan to date/sleep with American women mostly, as I do plan to live in America for the rest of my life. And I have not been directly told by any of the women I slept with that the fact that my penis is uncircumcised had turned them off, but there could have been a case or four of blue balls in which my penis was to blame. Maybe. So, yay or nay to the procedure? Is having a circumcised penis really that big of a deal? Will I get cock-blocked by my own uncircumcised penis if, say, a future babe finds it repulsive?

A: !!!!!!!

Oh. My. God.

I don't even have a dick, and the thought of a post-pubescent circumcision makes me want to swaddle myself in 30 blankets in a cold dark room and cry a little (read: A LOT).

In my opinion if your parents opted at the time of your baby-ness to not clip the foreskin, it's not on you to do it later in life. Frankly I didn't even know it was an option to discuss at this point. When you have MEMORY, and FEELING, and other significant shit like that…it will probably scar you for life, right?
You can hate your parents, but try not to hate yourself. Sure trimmed is the norm, but untrimmed isn't unheard of. It's not ideal of course, because to most women it's unfamiliar territory– but it's a hurdle we're willing to overcome circumstantially.

Maybe situationally would've been a better word choice.

For your own sake, please stop google searching your worries in the middle of the night. Have you ever used WebMD? Sometimes I do; but you never should. Every normal condition you have will suddenly turn into a life-threatening illness. You won't sleep for days. If I were China, I'd ban WebMD before I banned porn. It's really unhealthy, and will never lead you in a positive direction.

I can't believe I'm actually being consulted on an issue as serious as dick-chopping surgery, but since you asked my answer is NAY. Nay to late-life penis surgery!! Solely for your sake. Work with what you've got, discontinue all google searches immediately, and just thank god that you don't have a MICRODICK. (Autocorrect changed that word to all caps, which seems appropriate. So I'm leaving it.)

Q: I'm doing fairly well for myself these days as far as having a promising and lucrative career path goes. How do I differentiate the gold diggers from a genuinely interested young lady?

A: With caution, and common sense. Being comfortable and successful is part of the allure of an attractive man, so it's sort of a fine line you're walking. It's a fortunate one of course,  but you have to keep your wits about you. Gold diggers do come in all shapes and sizes but the most obvious are the easiest to weed out.  Prior to asking your name upon introduction they'll ask, “So like, what do you do?” There's a sure sign of a non-successful future relationship. If the question comes up after the initial first few, it's natural, and not to be turned off by. It's a normal conversation starter and again, to your advantage.
If you make it to the first date stage it's important to be aware of how honestly willing a woman is to pay for herself at any point. While you should cover the first date, theoretically she should pull out her purse and make some sort of gesture, no matter how bullshitty, to show she's willing and able to take care of herself. If she covers ice cream or coffee after the meal, you're in a pretty good place. It's not all about the money; so if you're sensing a genuine interest from her, don't second guess it.

If she requests a joint bank account after two months of dating, second guess the shit out of it

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