Life
by Fitz E Fresh on July 5, 2013


Q: What do girls think about getting double teamed/pig-roasted/? I've heard a lot of guys doing it and thinking it's hilarious and I'm wondering what it's like from the girls perspective. Do girls actually enjoy it or is it something that happens when they're wasted that they regret afterwards and feel embarrassed?

A: What do girls think about having two dudes maul them at once? Seriously guy?

You sir, are living in a world of porn-induced delusion. Contrary to your belief, it isn't “hilarious”; it's fucking disgusting, and undermines any sense of respect for or loyalty to a female.

In fact, I pretty much hate you for posing the question at all, much less in such a nonchalant and oblivious manner. You wouldn't want your girlfriend to look like a busted low-grade porn star, so don't assume that she enjoys behaving like one.

Q: My girlfriend and I have only been seeing each other for a few months, but we have a pretty crazy sex life. We're going the summer (and maybe longer) without seeing each other, and I'm considering buying her a vibrator, her first toy, as a surprise.

The bros think I'm crazy. Why would I give her something that would make her sexually need me less? What if she likes it more than me?

But I'm confident that if anything it will prevent her from seeking another dude to take her frustration out on when I'm not around. And I'm also confident I'm a lot fucking better than a RoboDick (trademark'd!).

What do you think?

A: I like the confidence. And I agree; no matter how efficient and awesomely persistent and loyal and non-exhaustible The Rabbit may be..god bless it…or any Robodick for that matter; it doesn't make us want the real thing any less. No matter what Sex and The City may have told you.

The one thing it will achieve, as you mused correctly, is staving off her cravings for the real thing when you're not around to satisfy it.

AKA damage control. Another point for your team. Forget the bro bullshit and go with your gut, as long as she's not the kind of girl who would be weirded out by it. Which from the sounds of it, she's not.

Q: I'm going to try and keep this short and to the point. I have albinism, and unless I've been mislead, girls don't dig super pale guys. Will I ever be able to get a girl to want me for me, and not just to fuck me to cross it of her bucket list, or not end up being a “one for the story, not the glory?”

A: Condolences on the genetic shortcomings my friend. However I truly don't think that most bucket lists include a “fuck a super pale guy” row- which is to your advantage, I think.

I'm definitely ranking pale skin at a higher advantage than being a ginger so again, chalk that up as a win. If you're both, you're kinda shit out of luck. But from what I see on a daily basis there seems to be no shortage of pale/fair-skinned maidens, who presumably are seeking–or at least not avoiding–male counterparts of similar skin tones. Don't sweat it out; you may just have to wait it out.

Q: You always see Asian girls with the white guys but how come you almost never see Asian guys with the white women? Is it just because of the whole “small dick” mantra or it just because y'all ain't attracted to us or something else? ( I assume you are of the white variety and you hang out with the white folk)

A: While I am indeed “of the white variety” and often do “hang out with the white folk,” I think it's a bit too general of a statement to claim you never see Asian guys with white women. Mainly because it isn't true.

Also, are you from somewhere in Asia or somewhere in Alabama? Last I checked, “ya'll ain't” wasn't exactly normal lingo for the average Asian dude. I have my doubts.

But back to your original question; do I think it's slightly more unusual for white ladies to seek out Asian men? Sure. Do I, along with most white women assume that Asian dudes are packing anti-heat? Maybe. Do I think you have a small dick since you brought it up? Probably. Though I haven't personally done the deed with a home-grown 100% pure-bred Asian guy, I've dabbled with one or two half-Asians in my time and it was a vaguely memorable experience. 
I think you just see a lot more dudes with Asian women because of the popularity in Asian porn. Aaaannd it all circles back to fetishes.

Q: So I have gone out with this girl a few times, we haven't had sex yet, but she sleeps over and we spoon. My question is it okay if I get hard when we are spooning. Should I try to move back so she can't feel it, or do you like to feel it?

A: If she's not letting you in, it's for a reason. Simple as that. And pressing your throbbing dick against her back without any warning is FUCKING AWKWARD; and I just don't get why you guys don't see that. If we're not letting you in our pants and we aren't jumping into yours, you should realize its intentional. Raging a 90 degree boner against her lower back/butt will NOT help to change that around. Instead, it will make her significantly less likely to allow you back into her bed, which she'll share with all of her girlfriends later that day while telling the story of her unsexy spooning experience.

A visit to the urologist. Your parents having sex. Your sister breast feeding. Whatever it is that you have to conjure in your mind to keep the chubby at least at half mast…do it.

Q: When a guy is hooking up with a girl and she denies sex by saying, “I'm on my period”, is that usually the truth or just a way for girls to get out of sex?

A: Hard to say- and not really something you want to test.

On one hand its a pretty easy excuse to keep your over-eager paws off of her for just a little bit longer. On the other hand, she might actually be on the rag and wanting to spare you the pain and grossness of sharing that experience. Be thankful for that.

Don't push the topic, and definitely don't accuse her of lying.

Both of these things will land you a frightful case of blue balls and a terrible perspective on the female sex. You can however express how little you care when compared to how much you want to give her an orgasm…which often has the potential of swaying an opinion. In doing so just be prepared for the weird, gross, and ugly.


Q: Dear Bodacious Babe, I will keep this short. Lately, I seem to have run into a few girls dropping the notion that they think I am a player (“Do you do this kind of thing often?” etc.). I don't know what I do to give off this vibe and I wouldn't actually consider myself a man-whore that would have that reputation. What could be behind this?

A: To be honest, you probably don't give off the player vibe at all. I can say that with a little extra confidence given that a. you don't consider yourself to be a manwhore and b. you referred to me as “bodacious.” I'll take the compliment, but for all you know, I'm a 45-year old, white divorced male weighing in at around 255 and living in my mother's basement.

But if we're still acting under the assumption that I am in fact the opposite of all of those things, here's what I think is going on.

These girls are simply testing you – they want to know how you'll react, if you'll give any information about your past, and if you're “otherwise disposed”.

Girls sometimes use this as a gauge for deciding whether or not to give it up to a dude who they really want to give it up to. It's basically a half-assed precaution, but play along anyways. Keep your responses concise and confident – don't let her dig too deep, but make her feel comfortable in the knowledge that you aren't a player…while also leaving an air of mystery. Things are looking up for you, faux-player breau.

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[Double Team image via ShutterStock]

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