Pleasure increasing condoms; well, if that’s not an oxymoron, then I don’t know what is. You know what you should do if you want to increase the pleasure of your sexual experience? Take the condom off. Seriously, what do I want with a heated condom? It might burn my dick off for all I know. My problem today though, is specifically with flavored condoms. They are simply an evil invention, and if the original idea came from a man over at the condom – what would you call it, factory, I guess – then not only should his man card be removed, but he should be fucking castrated.
What would the point of a flavored condom be, other than to encourage women to perform oral with the rubber between their mouth and your dick? Blowjobs are meant to be raw, as God intended. Hell, even the pope agrees with me, condoms are BAD! Now, some chicks have no problem with going down, some even say they enjoy it. There are still some bad apples who don’t like it though and some rotten ones that will flat out refuse. Forget the ones that just don’t do it. They’ll die old and alone surrounded by their equally prude sisters and a bunch of cats. The ones that are on the fence though? These condoms just encourage their unacceptable behavior.
A chick sees a strawberry flavored condom and thinks to herself, “Oh, I’m not the only one that doesn’t like doing that, so it’s OK if I just don’t do it, it doesn’t make me weird.” WRONG! You’re a leper! You’re fat too! Blowjobs are part of human history. Wars are started by men who don’t get any. I’ll bet you Eva Braun never blew Hitler. What are these condom companies doing to us then, do they want us all to turn into Hitler? What kind of sick bastards are these people? I guess I should know better, a Trojan is a type of soldier from back in the day. Those guys aren’t even hiding the fact that they’re war mongers, it’s the symbol they put right on their fucking packages.
Do they make flavored condoms that a chick can wear, at least to even it out? Nope, double standard. Those bastards. I’m really starting to think men aren’t involved in the making of condoms at all. Just imagine how the invention of the condom must have gone. “Hey everyone, we need to come up with a way to make the best feeling in the world feel not as good. Thoughts?” Then, some other asshole was like, “How can we ruin blowjobs too?” Voila, the invention of flavored condoms.
You know, if you suffer from little dick syndrome, or, like Stan Marsh, you struggle to find the clitoris, then I can at least understand why you’d buy a pack of the ribbed condoms. If a Bro ever went out and bought some fruity flavored rubbers for himself without planning on making tasty balloon animals though? Then he’s not a Bro. If a girl supplies the condom to you on any given night, and it turns out to be one of the flavor variety, we all know what that means. So what you must ask her then, before you begin, is what would Jesus do?