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Q: So my Bro's birthday is coming up and I'm torn on what to do about punching tickets to Poundtown. I've been on a hot streak as of late, but my buddy has hit a bit of a rough patch. My question is should the opportunity arise, is it more Bro to play wingman, or do I try to keep my streak going?

A: I reject the notion that it is ever someone else's duty to get another person laid. It most certainly is not. If they happen to feed off your table scraps or you’re in a relationship, fine, but never step aside when a chick clearly wants you; she likely isn't going to settle for your friend anyway.

You're on a hot streak, there's a reason for that; you've got the skills and physical attributes necessary to close deals. Stepping aside or trying to pass girls off to your friend won't help. Put it this way: You don’t walk into a car dealership looking to buy a BMW and leave with a used Subaru. So you shouldn’t expect that chicks going after you would instead leave with him. 

Being a wingman doesn't mean idly sitting by watching him whiff. Find a group of chicks where you both have the opportunity to get ass. That way you can get yours while not feeling bad when he doesn't get his. 

Q: Ill just cut right to the chase: how much beating the meat (masturbation for the uncultured) is too much? Two times a week? Three times a week? Ten times a day? No amount is too much?

A: This probably goes without saying, but I couldn't care less if another man whacked his dick into a bloody stump. Also, that's a good place to start this answer: You're jerking off too much when there is blood or self-inflicted penile irritation. I say "self-inflicted" because I don't know what kind of hazardous shit you're greasing your dong with.

Other than shaft trauma, any time your whackery alters your day or makes you late for important things, I'd say it's time you find yourself a less detrimental hobby, like alcoholism.

I guess what I'm saying is, you CAN jerkoff too much—if you handfuck yourself on average twice a day, you might have a problem, but at the same time, I don’t think once a day is excessive. I mean, how often do farmer’s milk their cows? Practically the same thing.

In the end, it’s all a matter of your lifestyle, desire, and what kind of budget you have to buy new socks/tissues.

Q: If someone told you that you could play Augusta but that you'd lose your job which would you choose?

A: Augusta. Presumably, I’d be playing with the top brass of some Fortune 100 company and he’d hire me on the spot to become his full-time golf partner. Presumably. 

Q: IF IM PLAYING A BITCH IN POOL AT THE BAR (OR COMPETING IN ANY WAY WITH I GIRL IM TRYING TO FUCK) SHOULD I LET THEM WIN OR LOSE? I DONT WANT TO BE A BITCH. BUT I DONT WANT TO LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE.

A: First of all, LOVE THE CAPS. Secondly, no, don’t lie down and lose on purpose. When you win, keep your "I just beat a girl at something" gloating to a minimum. Winning doesn’t make you an asshole, being an asshole makes you an asshole, asshole.

Q: Hey my question is about THAT guy at work. We all have one of "those" guys at work that gets under our skin simply by being themselves. I work next to this major fucking nerd, who kisses the boss's ass and does more than they are supposed to, causing everyone else in the office to look bad. During Hurricane Sandy, this pathetic loser actually walked across the George Washington Bridge the next day just to be the only person to make it into work. My boss sends out this mass email praising him, blah blah blah. How can I help my boss understand that he is a massive tool?

A: Employment, now more than ever, is fragile. You see this co-worker of yours as a nerd/try-hard/asshole-tonguer extraordinaire, but when it comes time to cut jobs, you’re going to see him as employed while you are out on your ass collecting unemployment and continuing to call him a douche. Yeah, he’s probably comprised of mostly vinegar and water, but when it boils down to who gets a promotion or keeps their job, he is going edge you out. That’s clear from the praise your boss gave him after all he did was prove he could walk a few miles over a bridge.

Unfortunately, this clown isn't going anywhere (but up) anytime soon and you also admitted he is outworking you on a daily basis. You need to adapt and step up your output because clearly your boss likes try-hard douchebags and isn't running his business like a popularity contest or a beauty pageant (my preferred operation of choice). And while that's a disgusting shame, it's a fact of life at your company. 

That all said, him walking across the GWB to show everyone up the day after Sandra spread her legs and squirted, was off-the-charts douche and you're probably not the only one in your company left with a salty taste in your mouth from it.

Submit your Ask a Bro questions here.