Life
by Rebecca Martinson on August 13, 2013

1. They're Just Really, Really Fat

Let's start out simple, shall we? These are the people that when you see them you think to yourself “How do they have sex through all the rolls over his dick and her vag?”. Even the thought of being near either of their respective genitalia makes you claustrophobic because of the 99% chance that you'll suffocate from the smell of misplaced McDick's all up in their crotch if the actual weight of the foopah doesn't crush your skull first. Aside from being the reason that everyone in Europe makes fun of us, there's nothing necessarily “wrong” with these hamplanets aside from the fact that their patronus' are cakes. Are they perfectly pleasant and intelligent people? Maybe. Do they hold steady jobs even though the office elevator shakes and makes everyone else inside look to each other with panicked faces when they get on? Definitely. But who are we kidding here, it's not like you're interested enough past watching them balance Oreo's on their stomachs as they walk to get to know them on that level.

2. The Ones Who Went Downhill

They're not fat, they're not weird, and they're not ugly, they're just on the road to being there. These couples started out as normal, decently fit and ranging from attractive to semi-attractive people, but have gotten complacent in their relationship and have quit putting any effort into life whatsoever. For guys, it's the friend who stopped going to the gym completely because he has someone that'll fuck him no matter how fat he gets or how much muscle he loses. He may also have stopped shaving, brushing his teeth, or taking party in anything generally considered hygienic. For girls, it's the one that stopped doing her hair, wears sweatpants 24/7 and doesn't even wear basic makeup. If this continues on for too long they'll probably get fat and you'll end up clicking on their most recently tagged photo on Facebook and hitting “left” to see them from before their relationship when they were skinny and appealing. You really can't point anything out definitively because they're your friends, but at the same time you take it as an example why being single ain't so bad. The only way for either of them to start “living” again is for them to break up and realize that guaranteed sex isn't guaranteed anymore.

3. They Take PDA to a Whole New Level

We need to somehow make a change in society so that it's okay to walk up to people making out in public and physically separate them, high school dance style. The only place this is appropriate is at clubs or on drunken bar dance floors, and even then it's still gross, but excusable. But that's it. Those are the only places, everywhere else it out of bounds, and somehow these people missed the memo. This can range from them walking to class together and then partaking in an overly long goodbye kiss from hugging for extended periods of time, all in public. Seriously? You're probably going to see each other sometime after class, go makeout in your dorm or someplace that I don't actively go, and as for hugging you look like a bunch of emotionally retarded preschoolers that just figured out appropriate ways to touch each other, except in that case it's cute because they're like 4 and not Juniors in college. Even writing this makes me physically uncomfortable.

4. They're Both Just Weird

Remember those kids in high school that liked to talk about how the newest episode of “Doctor Who” was wibbly-wobbly (????) or who you got stuck sitting next to in class and had to feign interest in them going on and on about how their “new” “novel” has fairies and demons and shit? And then one day you walk into class and for some reason Satan has decided to intervene in your life and make this odd little fairyfucker start dating the kid who wants to bone Doctor Who, and now they both sit next to you in class and you have the pleasure of listening to them try to out-weird each other. Yeah the guy wears his shirts buttoned all the way up doesn't look like he's been introduced to a little invention called “soap” yet, and the girl is probably one of the weird Mormon's that makes her Facebook status a new quote about Jesus every day and actually wears the magic panties on a regular basis, but don't kid yourself: you love it. They're hysterical to listen to because everything that comes out of their mouth is just so Goddamn strange. It's like you're an anthropologist and you're studying a different culture, except this culture sits next to you in PSYC100 and talks about “My Little Pony”.

5. They're Not Dating, But Should Be

These two technically aren't a couple since they're not dating, and keep telling each other “I don't want a relationship right now” over and over, but in reality they've completely stopped hooking up with other people so there's really no point in not dating. They hang out with each other 24/7, they never fight, they basically ARE dating but they both refuse to put a label on anything even though they both want to and refuse to admit it. The only way this impacts you is that if these are your friends, it's frustrating that neither of them have a pair of balls big enough to ask the other out, or that they both keep denying that they actually do want to date. Depending on the person, this occasionally ends up in some ridiculously stupid power play where one goes and fucks someone else just to be able to say they did it, and when the other finds out he/she pretends that it doesn't bother them when it does. This really only happens to stupid people that are unbelievably stubborn, and the entire time you want to machete both of their heads off or at least smack yourself in the face out of annoyance.

6. They Shouldn't Be Together in the First Place

This is the couple that never should have been. They fight 24/7, and not even over anything remotely important. Dishwasher still full? Screaming. Trash hasn't been taken out? Tears and shouting and “I HATE YOU” thrown around like dollar bills at a strip club. Their relationship has fewer redeeming qualities than I have Jaguars, animals included (hint: that's 0 to both). When separated, there's nothing wrong with them individually, but together they just make no sense and don't work at all. You want them to break up because you're tired of one of them coming to you all the time and complaining about the other one, but at the same time you know it'd make them sad. At the same time as that though, you're beginning to hate them both because they're too chickenshit scared to break up with each other and you want to spend an evening out on the town with your friends, minus the complaining if the significant other isn't there, and minus the fighting if he/she is there. Whenever these couples come along you find yourself sitting there wondering how amazing the makeup sex must be to put up with the fighting all the time.

7. Together 24/7

I'm guilty of this, but I tell myself it's because he's currently homeless and bumming out in my room until his lease starts. Basically your bro has gone all Siamese-twin on you and grown an extra two legs, two arms, head and vagina. It has a name, but you don't care because you're trying to hang out with him, not her, and she goes everywhere he goes. The only exception is the bathroom, and even then there's exceptions with those freaky people that like to pee on each other. You have to specifically tell him it's a bro-outing so he doesn't bring her, and even if she's a deaf mute and doesn't talk it's still annoying that she's there. She's like that fly buzzing around your room that never lands on you, but you hate it anyway and start doing your best to kill it. For whatever reason these guys have typically turned into giant pussies and completely forgot any wingman ability they once had, and even if they still have it they refuse to use it because they don't wanna upset The Girlfriend. Well fuck her, go out and actually use your fucking testosterone like it wasn't an accident that you were born a boy. No one likes dating pussies unless they're lesbians, and the fact that you're whipped isn't appealing to anyone, including her.

8. They're Going to Have Ugly Babies

I'm friends with a few of these on Facebook, and a couple are engaged so I'm just biding my time until they have kids. Yeah it'll probably be a couple years, but it's worth it. Why? Because both of the parents are just so undeniably unfortunate looking that their kid's guaranteed to either be a train wreck with an inverted nose or be the next coming of our Lord and Savior Jessica Alba, there's no in-between. The individuals that make up these couples would never had found “love” if they hadn't found someone as dick flacciding as themselves, but Cupid felt really bad and set to work finding someone that no one else wanted either. These couples aren't necessarily fat or weird, they just have really unfortunate bodies, like a cleft lip and a unibrow made out of pubic hair. For all you know these two don't even like each other, but have come to the realization that no one else will touch them in dirty places at night so they're basically stuck with each other. If you had to pick the worst couple to be on the list, it would be this one because society has only given you ONE person that will ever love you, and it's not your Mother. At least there's an abundance of fat people waddling around to bone each other, and true weird people are usually completely aware they're strange and love it. These people know they're ugly, don't like it, and are stuck.


Tl;dr: don't bitch about being single.