Life
by J. Camm on October 16, 2012

Q: I've been dating this chick for about a year, everything’s been great except for one thing, I can't stop thinking about slamming other girls. I'm still in college but don't have much school left. She's one of the coolest, most easy-going girls I've ever dated, but do you think I should still be a single bro and smash every piece of ass I can while I'm still in college? Or should I start to settle down and try to hold on to a good girl?

A: When you get out of college two things happen: your number of no-strings-attached sexual encounters will increase because your pool of women increases and the campus gossip mill is no longer your problem and, second, it will get exceedingly harder to meet a girl that isn’t jaded or carrying tons of baggage from all the scumbags she’s been burned by. Traversing that mountain of shit is always fun. 

The first part of that post-grad scenario is great, but most of the girls you will constantly send the late night “you out?” mass text to are not anyone you’d ever be caught in a relationship with. Plus, after college, you really have no idea who the chick you just met randomly really is. You can't ask a friend if he knows anything about Jenn in Econ anymore. Nope. For all you know that girl at the bar might look innocent and ideal to date but she could also be into guys shitting in her vagina. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

I've always been an advocate for spending some of college single. Got to hate that guy that wifes-up on day two of Freshman year. But if you’re senior and you have a girl you like or love and you see yourself being with her down the road, maybe you're better off sticking it out. It could be a long time before you find something else that good. And even when you do, that craving to fuck everything that crosses your path… well… that dies on the same day you do. So learn to bury it with masturbation, or be single forever.

Q: Two questions here. One serious, the other not so much.

I'm attempting to keep this short. I've been with my girlfriend since the beginning of spring semester of last school year. I leave to live at the beach in the summer to work. She stays at school for May classes. We see each other 2 times over the 3 months. I didn't cheat on her at all for that time period. She told me she did, and we somehow managed to get through it. She's taking a semester off right now while I'm in school. She's not making too much of an effort to visit me and neither am I for her. So I'm in the situation she was in previously this summer. I have gotten with other girls twice already and I feel like in the back of my mind I should be able to since she did over the summer. I know this isn't right and we are heading downhill.

So I drunk call her on Friday while blacked-out and saw we talked for 10 minutes. I think I told her I cheated. She hasn't said anything but has been really unhappy the last 2 times we have talked. After the background story, here's the question. Should I ask if I told her or just leave it as is? I want to stay together but there is obviously some things that need to be straightened out. What would you do in this situation?

Next question: What’s a better Halloween costume for me and 2 buddies? 2 in the pink, 1 in the stink (2 dress in all pink, the other in all brown) or Mario, Luigi, and Peach (my friend has long blonde hair)?

A: Allow me to start with the less serious question… Your relationship is FUCKED. Like wild, contraceptive-less, accidentally blow inside of her a week after she stopped taking the pill kind of fucked. Only way to unfuck it is to abort it all together. I mean, look at the facts: You've been dating for less than a year, you've both already cheated multiple times, you’re attempting to have a long-distance relationship with someone you can’t possibly trust, and she is giving less effort than the dorky kid who's father forced him to play little league. You two are boldly going NOWHERE together. If I were you I’d give it up now and start enjoying the vaginal windfall that is college.

Now, on to more important matters…

I’ve seen hundreds, maybe thousands, of people go as the Mario Bros on Halloween. However, I’ve never seen or heard of three people teaming up to dress as one Shocker. It’s cheap, easy, and brilliant. But an even better, more vile costume idea for a trio of bros is two of you dressing up as chicks while the third guy goes as a Solo Cup wearing a brown hat and nothing but brown underneath it. Now that would be a goddamn masterpiece.

Q: I'll start off with a little background: my college starts class way earlier than most others so I went to school in early August while most of my friends were still in town. About a week in, I get this text from one of my best bros saying that he got blackout drunk and tried to fuck my girlfriend (she turned him down) and that he was sorry. I was pissed when i found out, and my question is do you think this a no-harm, no-foul situation or should I hold this over his head for a while?

A: Not trying to dismiss his actions, but it took some set for him to own up and admit his carnal advances on your lady friend. Even if she said “either you tell him or I will” you at least know he values your friendship enough—when he's dead sober—to come clean. Yeah, it sucks he tried to do that, but look at it this way: at least you can rest easy knowing your girlfriend isn't some dubious cock fiend when your back is turned. And that's a special feeling.

As far as forgiving him, that's your call. Remember, men in high school, college (and for years thereafter) are mistake factories; we pump out stupid decisions, whether it’s trying to fuck your friend’s woman or that time you thought trimming your scrotum with unguarded clippers was a good idea. We are idiots on the reg, and all he did was let his drunk dick lead the way. We've all been there before. Plus, he confessed and he also didn't succeed at burying his dick in your girlfriend. If this is only a one time thing, I think you need to forgive and (sort of) forget. 

Q: I am currently in Afghanistan and have been in the military for the last 6 yrs. I am about to be getting out and will be going back to school. I am curious as to whether it is wrong for me to want to go to a good party school as 26 year old? Would that just make me the creepy old man? Also, should I just go dry for New Years since I can't have alcohol or drink non-alcoholic beer until I puke just for some sort of similar experience to home?

A: One of my best friends in college was an ex-military Bro. He was probably 25 when he joined our fraternity. He didn't give a shit about his age, nor did we. We occasionally called him “old man” and we made fun of him till no end, but that was because he dated a girl with a face only my toilet could love and he gladly admitted it.

Truth is, at 25 he was a man among children, in large part thanks to his years serving. But he was still young enough to throw down and get all kinds of shitty. Plus, while we were all bragging about sleeping with chicks we met in the communal shitters, he was telling us stories of all hookers he fucked overseas—one on a pool raft in a brothel bathtub because she was riding the rag that week—and we'd sit there thinking how unfathomable it was to have sex with wanton whores, let alone on a flotation device.

As for your second question, I don't understand what you wrote. Either I'm a reject or you mangled that sentence. Probably the former, but let's go 50/50 with the blame.

Q: So I've been making the transfer from Facebook to Twitter (because either of them have life altering consequences) and I came up with an idea to get some followers. What would be Bro'er than BroBible posting my twitter account for just 24 hours or even 1 hour? Can it be? Can it be?

A: I'm a tremendous individual, we all know that, so it brings me great sadness that you didn't trust me enough, or think I'd actually post it, to provide your Twitter handle in the email you sent. Had you supplied it, I'd have posted it right here, right now, in big bold font and in this homosexual color for everyone to see. But you didn't. Way to miss out on like 14 new followers. Opportunity lost, my friend.

Follow me on Twitter @JCamm_ and submit your Ask a Bro questions here