Life
by J. Camm on May 1, 2012

Q. When eating a girl out and she squirts, is it Bro to:
 

A. Bathe in that sh*t like it's the Fountain of Youth?
B. Look for the nearest biohazard suit?

 

I went with Option A.

A. Depending on the situation, there are several ways you can look at this. If the geyser in question is a first-time lay, Option A, in my opinion, is the only route to take. You've got to roll with the punches; act like you've been there before. Otherwise, your little freakout could compromise subsequent bangs with her. Obviously you don't want to bathe yourself in it (pulling out a straw and sucking-up the puddle she left on the bed is also frowned upon), but you definitely can't let on that her firehose-puss fazes you either. It's kind of like how you deal with an unforeseen period but slightly less gross; being covered in it for a few minutes ain't going to kill ya. Should she have warned you? Probably, but I find it's better to go in blind, especially if it's with a rando.

Now if we're talking about a girlfriend, the approach is 100% different. Half the time you're not drunk and you probably want to prepare for such an event. Throwing down a towel and sidestepping the bursts of juice is OK. Imagine having to clean that sh*t up after every bang? Tedious.

Do they make thoughtful E-cards thanking chicks for having properly wired snatches? I just got the urge to send my girlfriend one.

Q. I've slept with this absolute babe a few times, and we've established we love f*cking each other and just want to be hookup buddies. Problem is, when I text her she blows me off, but she expects me to come running when she drunk texts me on Saturday night and wants some D. What's the play to turn the tables and get her chasing me?

A. The problem you’re facing is that she knows you’re all hers. A lay-up. A go-to guy when she’s in the mood, not when you are. You need to change that…and expressing your feelings isn't the way to go. You need to regain the upper hand and let her know that as grand as her puss may be, your dick has options. An ocean’s worth.

So what’s your move? 

You can engage in a firefight and start ignoring her like she does to you, but I don’t think that’s necessary. No need for you to suffer. Your dick’s not a martyr.

Instead, prove to her your options are unlimited. And do it to her right in front of her face. Don’t flirt with her best friend; chances are she won’t stab her ‘bestie’ in the back. Although who knows? Lot of dick feigns out there these days. Go after a complete stranger or, better yet, a hot acquaintance of your girl. Preferably the one that she hangs around with but doesn’t quite like or trust . This will bring her blood to a nice simmer.

If you want to really drive the point home, leave the bar with her. I did this once and minutes after my exit the girl was on the phone crying to me about how I took her friend home and how terrible a person I was. Funny thing is, I didn’t take her home. We just went to grab a slice of pizza but the dumb b*tch was in heat over it. I made my point and caused her to look foolish doing it.

Q. So I was hooking up with this chick in my buddy's dorm room. She's 5' 6,” 105 lbs, and a blonde bombshell, but that's beside point. Anyway, were hooking up on his bed, which is lofted, and about halfway through I hear a crashing noise like something fell. Wake up in the morning to find my buddy's flat screen shattered below. Obviously I did the Bro thing and got him a new TV. I guess my question is do I make her pay for half? She did do half the work and I really don't care what her opinion of me is.

A. No way. This one’s on you, dude. Your Bro’s TV wouldn’t be in fragmented bits if you just raw-dogged her in a bathroom stall like a good friend would.

Q. Hey Bros, my parents just asked me this question, “If you could go anywhere in the U.S. to play golf for a few days where would it be?” They asked me this because it's my high school graduation present and I can't decide on a place although I've thought of many. What would you choose?

A. Goddamn. I want to have this dilemma.

I suppose it all depends on the limitations and restrictions your parents have set. If you can go ANYWHERE and play ANY (public) COURSE, I would either go to California toplay Pebble Beach or Florida to play Sawgrass. They’re elite, expensive and historic. Rounds you’ll never forget. Doesn't hurt that they're located in warm states either.

Actually, if Hawaii is an option, throw that on the pile too.

But if you’re just looking to play nice, reasonably priced courses that offer something you might not be accustomed to, then truthfully, I can’t even decide where I’d want to go if I were you. Having too many choices blows. It's why it takes me 45 minutes to whack off.

Assuming you’re staying in the U.S. and not including Hawaii, I’d chose a place that offers more than just golf. You don’t want to be bored the other eight hours you’re awake. So, for me, that narrows it down to Arizona, Myrtle Beach, Hilton Head, Vegas (probably not applicable to you) West Coast of FL or Orlando (personally, don’t like the courses on the east coast) and California (primarily because I’ve never golfed there).

Again, there are great courses in every state (Wyoming has a few I'd love to play but probably never will because it's f*cking Wyoming), but if I’m not going to play one of the historic tracks in golf, I’d rather go somewhere with hundreds of above-average courses, a beach, and something to do at night.

Q. I live with my girlfriend and tend to always leave the door open when I take a piss. Now, I close it when other people are at our place, but when it's just us, I leave it open. She hates this, but I see no problem with it. What should I do?

A. CLOSE THE F*CKING DOOR.

Is this a tremendous inconvenience for you? Yes, it probably is. Why am I even asking that question? I'm like you, I hate doing it too, but it’s an important step in the direction that keeps you and her as a couple and not just glorified roommates that somehow still f*ck in spite of having watched each other defecate a thousand times.

When I lived with friends, the only times I shut doors was to sh*t, jerk off, and sleep — and sh*tting was sometimes optional. You can’t do that when you live with your girlfriend. You need to be completely in the dark about each other’s hygiene habits. I don’t care, or need to know, what it took to make her look hot, I’m just glad she does. So if she’s pissing, shaving her pubes, flossing her teeth, or crapping 100 ft. logs, she better be doing it with the door closed because I want to remain oblivious. I'm like that boss that doesn't care about how painful process is, I just want to see the finished product and assume it was simple to achieve it.

The moment that being able to do all that gross sh*t in front of each other ALL THE TIME becomes acceptable is the moment your relationship will take a turn for the worse. And once you’ve gone down that road, it’s damn near impossible to put the car in reverse.

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J. Camm

About J. Camm...

J. Camm is the Managing Editor of BroBible. He is a graduate of the University of Miami thanks mostly in part to a world-class short-term memory. When not writing drivel on the Internet, J.Camm enjoys golf and the inexplicable satisfaction that comes with forgetting a person's name the exact instant he meets them.

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