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DC Bros Post Craigslist Ad Looking for Dope New Bro Friends (Are You Bro Enough to Be Their Friend?)

By / 02.19.14

dc-bros

Bros! Do you like to party? And when I say party, I don’t mean party like go to a bar, rip six Jager Bombs, black out, merck a stranger just fuckin’ ’cause then SLAY MAD PUSS when you get home.

No. If that’s what you think partying is don’t even fucking BOTHER reading any further because you are exactly the kind of lame, bitch-faced, lame-ass losers who couldn’t last one fucking hour with the above Bros, who incidentally are in need of new Bro friends to party with because their current set of Bros are as fucking sad and stupid as you, ya hear? Shots?

Confused? Well, some Dupont Circle Bros (heart of D.C., Bro, right next to Mighty Pint, yo, best bar in D.C.) posted an ad to Craigslist looking for some new Bros to party with. Why? Well, I’ll let them let you know why.

Our current friends on a Friday night like to stay at home with a beer or glass of wine and watch OnDemand on a Friday night. They would rather have a nice time at a friend’s apartment for NYE than an crazy 6 hour open bar with multiple DJ’s and dancefloors.

The fuck you know about MULTIPLE DJs SON? I’m talking two DJs. Maybe even three. Spinning fucking jams til the A.M. Beats be dropping every other second. Avicii? SO MUCH FUCKING AVICII! WAKE ME UP, BRAH? I AIN’T NEEDA BE WAKED UP I JUST NEED ANOTHER BUMP. Whose got the bag?

So these Bros, they need better friends. Friends who will look the other way when date rape drugs are used. Friends who own more than one pair of Croakies. Friends who wanna hit on bitches in sundresses at Foxfields and Gold Cup.

If the idea of attending a multi day music festival, a horse race, or an all day tailgate appeals to you than you’re in the right place.

Shit, son, that sounds DOPE. What other requirements might be necessary to hang with the coolest motherfuckers in all of D.C.? (and by coolest I mean dudes whose dads are most likely lawyers and lobbyists and got them the cushy gigs they now have which allow for days upon days of MDMA use.) Well, a collared shirt, for one.

Take pride in your appearance. If your closest [sic] is full of Ed Hardy t-shirts, you need not apply. Basically if you’re partying with us, 90% of the time you’ll be wearing a collar. Exceptions include day-longs where sleeveless is preferred (gotta let the pythons breath), or sporting events, or if we’re stealing shows at a themed party.

YES. Summer is for tankin’ at the rooftop pool at the Donovan House. Don’t worry, I know the bouncer. We went to UVA together. He’s a smart dude, just hasn’t gotten his shit together yet. Plus he likes bouncin’. Gives him a chance to crack some skulls.

Yea, I know you want in. I do, too. But what if you are a bitch? (Female variety, bitch dudes need to GTFO.)  You, my hunny,  are welcome to PAR-TAY, so long as you are okay with using your sex appeal to score these bros free shots.

Attractiveness is necessary. Working out should be in your regimen. If you’re blessed with a natural beauty, god bless. Hot friends are a plus… Mad bonus points if you can swing free drinks at bars from dudes just ’cause. That is legit.

But don’t worry, they ain’t tryna fuck or nothin’

We’re not looking for girlfriends here. We have stellar OK Cupid, Tinder, and Hinge accounts for that.

Oh, I bet they do. Stellar. Here’s the full text below and the email address if you’d like to apply (because, you know, people who need to turn to the internet to find friends are the CHILLEST).


[Via @SuzieRobb]

Our current friends on a Friday night like to stay at home with a beer or glass of wine and watch OnDemand on a Friday night.
They would rather have a nice time at a friend’s apartment for NYE than an crazy 6 hour open bar with multiple DJ’s and dancefloors.
They turn down an all day barcrawl to read books, or take it easy from the night before, or brew beer. Beer is for drinking last time I checked, I let professionals brew my beer.

THEY SUCK.

It left us no choice but to:
1) Cut the Fat from our social circle
2) Reach out for All-American Partiers
3) PROFIT

Wanted: Friends that will partake in awesome stuff. We go to the bars and rip shots with bartenders, go to raging parties on Friday nights that shutdown because its Monday morning and everyone is going to work, see sick concerts with some form of substance enhancement, because that is what we do.

Applicants:

Bros:

You drink Evan Williams.
Note: Other liquors will be drank if necessary, but we’re men, we drink whiskey.

Take pride in your appearance. If your closest is full of Ed Hardy t-shirts, you need not apply. Basically if you’re partying with us, 90% of the time you’ll be wearing a collar. Exceptions include day-longs where sleeveless is preferred (gotta let the pythons breath), or sporting events, or if we’re stealing shows at a themed party.

You lift weights, your body needs to be a temple. If you never have we can train you if you fit our other credentials. We’ve done Tough Mudders and marathons. No slumming.

Chicks:

Attractiveness is necessary. Working out should be in your regimen. If you’re blessed with a natural beauty, god bless. Hot friends are a plus.

We’re not looking for girlfriends here. We have stellar OK Cupid, Tinder, and Hinge accounts for that.

You can handle daydrinking. You like to party on the weekends. Nuff said.
(Warning: When you blackout you need to be one of those more fun/crazy blackouts, not messy/we have to take care of you blackouts. Be an adult and hold your own.)

Mad bonus points if you can swing free drinks at bars from dudes just ’cause. That is legit.

For Both:

YOU LOVE AMERICA. Maybe you’re not American and that’s fine. We live in a major international hub. But you’re here for a reason so you better love living here.
If the idea of attending a multi day music festival, a horse race, or an all day tailgate appeals to you than you’re in the right place.

Any questions or comments reply back
Pictures are highly recommended for quicker response.


TAGSbrosdc brosfuck yeamother fucking bros yea
David Covucci
About David Covucci... David Covucci is writer and blogger for BroBible dot com. He loves Twitter and whiskey. He can be reached at david.covucci@brobible.com.

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