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Q: I've been hanging with this extremely attractive girl for a couple of weeks now and there's one thing that I can't figure out. She has self-disclosed a lot of shit rather quickly. Shit that people would generally opt not to share with someone they just met in fear of being judged and ruining any potential relationship. And yet, she NEVER asks about my life. I kinda liked it at first but now it's starting to piss me off. Where are the fucking puppy eyes while asking me seemingly, necessary questions before deciding to hang out again? I mean for fuck sakes, I know her parents are raging alcoholics and she probably doesn't even know I have parents. We sleep together every time so it's not necessarily a friend zone issue but what's going on here? Self-centered whore? Psychopath? Socially inept?
A: I'm gonna go with all three. I know exactly the kind of girl you're describing, and she's a fucking loose canon. Good in bed, attractive, an entertaining individual...but you can't help but notice that something is just OFF. That she lacks certain triggers/cues/niceties normally associated with a functioning human. You'd bring her home to your apartment, but never to your mom. If you're looking for anything beyond very casual sex, it's time to look elsewhere-- because that's all she's giving up. Aside from her self-centered nature and not giving a shit about any details of your life, she's got some serious issues boiling under the surface. Issues that, if you stick around long enough, you're bound to face the brunt of. We're talking daddy issues. As you mentioned, alcoholic parents. A need for attention. A penchant for drug use that goes beyond what we deem acceptable (which is saying something...very scary).
She's keeping you around for entertainment rather than personal and/or relational growth, and I doubt that this is the sort of shit you're trying to get involved with.
But if it is, you should prepare yourself with an all-encompassing disaster relief fund: Abortion, restraining order, rehab, etc. Godspeed.
Q: So I'm a freshman in college and I live on a co-ed floor. I'm good friends with the girls, especially one girl who is always flirty. It first began as a joke, then a drunk hook-up...an now we now sleep together every night. She sends mixed signals and I can't tell if she wants to become serious and date or continue to just hook up. She goes on about how she can't remember the last time she hooked up with a guy sober, especially on a regular basis. I don't want to force things because we're best friends first, but if she wanted to date I'd be all for it. What should I do?
A: Freshman flings are some of the most exciting you'll experience in college. Exploring new territories/surfaces/positions with someone you didn't know exist two months prior...romance.
Take heed- the lighthearted nature of a FF can quickly turn ugly when out of the blue, you don't even realize it, and you're mid OTPHJ from some rando...and you're someone else's boyfriend. Oh you didn't know? Your girlfriend is crying in a frat basement, screaming and pointing her finger at your dance floor boner. And now you fucking know. Now everyone you know, knows. Are you prepared for this? Lets not be hasty young breau. There are many biddies in the sea, and the last thing you want is to pop up from oblivion junior year as "that guy who like had a girlfriend since orientation week". Take things slow and avoid any major commitments that don't involve attending class a few days a week and getting into the fraternity of your choice.
Q: How much jewelry is too much for a bro? What is acceptable and what isn't?
A: I'd love to assume that we're talking jewelry that you buy as gifts for your girl. However my keen instincts tell me that the jewelry in question is that which you purchase for your own personal collection-- as the thugs say, "jur-rey".
I'm a little concerned, but always willing to lend an ear. Unless its another question about the fucking friend zone. I've exhausted l female advice in that department and you guys are just god damn hopeless. Anyways-- back to the jur-rey quandary.
On one hand you've got your chill bro jewelry- a leather bracelet, single pendant on a chain, or maybe a string bracelet as a memoir from shredding gnar in Nicaragua last summer. Overhead barrels, breau. These things are acceptable. Pooca shell necklaces and hemp assortments are not.
Then you've got your boarding school prepster, who can pull off a family crest, class ring, or Daddy's Rolex hand-me-down. But you know how sometimes money makes guys seem gay? NEVER wear a Cartier love bracelet as a means of avoiding this.
As far as thug bling goes, I'm not quite as well-versed on ice protocol; though I do sport a snapback some weekends and don't go a day without Kendrick Lamar Pandora, so hell-- I'll take a stab at it.
Diamond studs can be pulled off, as can some tasteful chains (2 chains, but I got me a few on) and a showy watch. Hold the grill, unless you're Weezy, along with blatantly fake diamonds or gaudy gold chains. Pawn shop shit looks like pawn shop shit. Remember that shit.
In conclusion, don't over think a little body decoration--you're probably in the clear. But you'd be doing yourself a favor to start focusing on adorning your lady friend with jewels rather than yourself.
Q: When it comes to flirting via texting, is receiving naked pictures cheating?
A: Err...from not your girlfriend? Well yeah, guy. Always. Having a tough time digesting this one but stop while you're ahead. Didn't your momma teach you about this? Do less. Receive fewer nudies from girls you aren't dating, by not fucking flexting girls you aren't dating.
Q: Alright almighty super babe, I have a stumper for you. I am currently hooking up with a guy who lives in my dorm (side note, he is pretty albino). We have not officially defined the relationship but he has hinted that he wants an open relationship and I don't think that will work for me. As of right now, he acts like we are already together, and we kiss in public and do all sorts of PDA bullshit, and I'm really starting to fall for this geek. I don't want to end up as some side chick waiting around for him because I do get other opportunities to hook up with random guys but turn them down because of my feelings for that albino bro.
A: I don't know if the "stumper" portion of this question is the albino part or the getting wifed up part. Neither sound ideal. For me, the real stumper is if he's actually an albino or just super pale. Guess it doesn't really matter, but I am curious. Anyways, I feel you babe. You're right to stand your ground in declaring what you want out of this relationship, even if that's nothing at all. Lay down the ground rules before the floor turns all muddy and quicksandy and shit. Let him know what you're looking for, and if his plans don't match your own then send his pale ass packing. You're in college, so its not like you won't pick up where you left off pre-ghostface.
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[Sad girl is sad image via ShutterStock]