We can all agree that Facebook is the social hub of hooking up. It’s where a meeting goes from a handshake to a dry hand-job, a dry hand-job turns to a sweet beej, and a sweet beej turns into a relationship that eventually ends because she saw that you messaged the chick with those “talk to me” boobs (it’s the Circle of Life). Facebook is the first place we turn to for information on another person - and it’s safe to assume that our own profiles are getting the same type of scrutiny. If we’ve learned anything from “The Social Network” it’s that the kid from Zombieland invented Facebook to get blowjobs in bathroom stalls; and also that Facebook is so culturally ingrained - and so important - that we could all sit through a 2-hour movie about nerds suing each other with rapt attention. So, in this new relevant social environment, we need to put our best foot forward, because guess what? It matters now. Here are 5 ways you can make sure to get the maximum amount of dry hand-jobs (Sandpaper Strokes? Anyone?) out of your account:
1. A-L-B: Always Look Bone-able
If you want to date in the year 2012 then you have to have a good profile picture. I don’t care if the picture isn’t you, just remember one thing: A-L-B, Always Look Bone-able. This picture is your virtual face to the world, and this girl you’re potentially going out with is going to show her friends, parents, coworkers, and more importantly, her exes she accidentally sees out (on purpose). Public opinion rules the day. Bottom line: look good, even if that photo needs to be of your toes in the sand (and hope for a foot fetishist).
Word To The Wise: People often forget that when they change their profile picture, the old one is left behind in a whole album of profile pictures. These are pictures from your first day of Facebook all the way to today; it’s basically a flip-book of how fat you’ve gotten. Also, if you’re the type of guy that likes putting every girlfriend-of-the-month in your profile picture (gayer than a hot summer evening at a rest stop - but not in the offensive homophobic way...just, you know, gay), know that you have now given every girl a chance to see a police line-up of every girl you’ve ever promised to “hold forever and never let go.” On further thought, that may actually work.
2. Clean Your Wall/Timeline
Think of the wall or timeline as a tattoo on your face. Your “friends” are going to read that tattoo, and then wonder what it all means. If some girl you bedded three years ago writes, “does it still burn when you pee?” (bad) or even just: “;)” (even worse), then whoever you’re trying to date is going to wonder who on earth this person is. Treat the things written on your page with great care; keep it clean and wash off the crap that gets piled onto it. Is this paranoid? Sure. Just don’t wonder why a second date never happened when you left the comma-and-dollar-sign-penis drawing your buddy posted.
Word To The Wise: Cover photos have become the new welcome mat to your profile. If it’s a beach scene, you’re showing sensitivity. If it’s you doing a keg stand, you’re showing upper body strength and commitment to a cause. If it’s of your family, you’re showing that you’re willing to experiment in the bedroom, and maybe be down for some gun play. You see? Obviously.
3. Don’t Poke
I think we’ve actually gotten to the point where poking someone on Facebook is even creepier than poking a stranger in real life. With your boner. If your face was covered in pig’s blood.
Word To The Wise: If you still don’t agree, go look at the “Poke” button. It is shown as “Poke...”. Dot Dot Dot is written into movie scripts to show the awkward silence after a Pedophile approaches a victim.
4. Update Your Status SparinglyThink of status updates like smoking - one or two, here and there is fine (especially while drunk), but get up to a pack-a-day, and your clothes and breath start to smell like desperation, narcissism, and the 50-year-old woman at the end of the bar that you just banged, like, one time, MAYBE...so everybody get off your friggin’ back already.
Word To The Wise: If you “like” your own status updates you look absolutely insane. I wouldn’t date a girl who does this just for fear that she may do this in real life - “Hey everybody, I just told a pretty great story. Right? Right?? J-Train, I love you I want to wear your skin!” See how crazy that got there at the end? Totally possible with those self-liking nutjobs.
Word To The Wise Part II: If you’ve connected your Twitter to Facebook, you’re annoying and whoever you’re trying to date will be quickly turned off by the inside joke you sent to @longdongsilver69.
5. Regulate Tagged Pictures
“To tag or not to tag. That is the question.” Shakespeare wrote that, after a few questionable photos leaked of him ripping lines off an Elizabethan urinal. And 60,000 years later, truer words couldn’t be spoken.
You want the truth? Really?
That’s right. There, I said it. Oh man that felt good. What a burden I’ve been living with! Also I killed a man in Venice. Anyway, my thought is I want to control as much as I can on Facebook and if I don’t like a picture then why should I have to live with it? Because some girl wants everyone to see how awesome her birthday dinner was? You know what’s not awesome? When I got so drunk I took off my shirt and smeared birthday cake on my nipples and all of the sudden my friends turned into Asian tourists.
Word To The Wise: De-tag, but don’t be that person who has no tagged photos. Every potential suitor will think the same thing - fat.
Your Facebook profile gives you a small corner of the Internet that can ruin your life both professionally and romantically. Think of it as a mistress; she can be a lot of fun but if you aren't careful things can get out of control - like she’ll start trying to get pregnant, or even worse, post on your Wall. Be afraid. Oh, and, of course, A.L.B.
Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian. You can follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, column updates, and more Sandpaper Stroke-worthy Facebook tips.