5. The Questioner
While entirely annoying, this guy can sometimes be entertaining depending on the level of boredom I am facing in a night. When a guy who seems to think he is a food critic at the New York Times sits down at my bar, it can lead to an epic evening. This is the guy who sends everything back just because he can. Who is telling you the Kettle One you just poured into his drink and mixed with something, doesn’t taste like Kettle One. Who wants to know exactly how many teaspoons of some ingredient is in this special pasta. Exactly where are the scallops from? How is it prepared? Who is preparing it? Is it fishy? Is it fattening? Is it glutton free? Can it be glutton free? Oh you’re not allergic to glutton you’re just asking for the hell of it? Jesus dude, it’s a fucking PLATE OF PASTA AND A KETTLE SODA. This is not The Iron Chef over here, and you work at a bank. You want good food, great! You’re in a good place. But let’s be real here, unless you have an allergy or really don’t like an ingredient, stop asking me questions. Stop asking me what brewery some random beer comes from or how long its fermented. I’m not impressed because to be honest, I probably don’t know so I’m probably just going to make an answer up. Oh, where was this broccoli grown? In…di….ana…? Ask me if it’s good, ask me something that will matter in the grand scheme of whether or not you’re going to send it back. But please stop asking me about the makeup of the food and drink like you’re a goddamn physicist.
4. The “First Time in New York” Wide-Eyed Tourist
As someone who is actively trying to get the fuck out of New York and down south, my doe eyed belief that this is the greatest city in the world is slowly being drained out of me by a combination of things like rent, finance dudes, cold weather, the lack of faith in humanity I feel when I see how big of assholes some of my customers can be, and Times Square. However, I get the whole “first time to New York” thing. Sometimes, it’s endearing. And by sometimes, I mean when it doesn’t interfere with a proper tip. I’ll gladly give recommendations to non-touristy spots and good food, and I will always recommend the World Trade Center site. I will tell the story of where I was on 9/11 (10th grade biology class) and explain why I don’t have an accent. The only time I ever loathe the non-New Yorkers (and New Yorkers will know exactly why) is Christmas time. Working up the block from Radio City and Rock Center is like working in a den of rabid animals. People who can’t contemplate a building taller than four stories so they have to stop in the middle of a sidewalk and stare at one for three minutes. People who don’t understand the concept of walking when the light turns, people who think we’re all on Christmas holiday waiting on line to see the Rockettes with all the time in the world and not trying to make it to work on time. And above all, the “two dollar tippers”. I don’t know what state started this, but it should be fucking excommunicated. I feel like at Christmas time, non-New Yorkers think no matter what your bill is, two singles is an adequate tip. It’s not. And if that’s your philosophy on life, please go to the TGIFriday’s down the block, and take your fanny pack and Time Square map with you. Thanks.
3. The Raging Hipster
Is that beer organic? Is it new? Do you have craft beers? Do you have tapas? The place by me in Williamsburg is so much more authentic.
2. The Loud Girl
There’s one in every group. The girl who cackles and laughs and screams so loud you can hear her over the music and everyone in the bar looks to see if someone’s getting murdered down by the taps. Nope, it’s just that girl who needs to be the center of attention, screaming her head off like it’s the funniest fucking thing in the entire world. She’s probably had one too many, is going to try to make out with the guy who sits in the cubicle next to her, fall off the bar stool and then need someone to put her in a cab. But before all that classiness, she is going to make sure everyone in the bar knows what she has to say and that she is the shining star of the group of her friends. I speak for everyone – EVERYONE – in the bar when I say shut the fuck up please. Your screeching is terrifying my regulars. Just go puke on the curb, hop a cab and go home to your cat.
1. Chrissy Teigen
Okay, this is a stretch. This isn’t quite the norm for all bartenders. But she has come into my bar a few times. I think she even got her wallet jacked from there once. However, she was pretty cool and insanely friendly. Considering most chicks who walk into my bar are horribly bitchy and condescending because girls are competitive and psychotic, having Chrissy Teigen be nice to you is kind of a pick me up. So thanks, @ChrissyTeigen. Please spread the word to other ladies how to be a cool chick in a bar.