Life
by J. Camm on March 5, 2013

Q: Is it creepy to message a girl on tinder? I did last week when I was drunk and woke up thinking it was the creepiest thing ever.

A: Wait. Isn't there an unwritten rule that nothing on Tinder is creepy? Didn't you join with the intent of messaging chicks? Otherwise you can just stay on Facebook and stare longingly at their photos as you tenderly massage yourself up to a half-chub before switching to YouJizz to finish the job.

Whether or not your message was creepy all depends on what you wrote, not the fact that you sent it at 4 a.m. Messages, by nature, are not creepy; it's all the idiotic shit you write in it that makes them that way. There is a big difference between “Hi, my name is John. Want to grab drinks some time?” and “Hi, my name is John. Want to drink my dicksauce some time?” The difference is that the guy who wrote the first one is a total fucking creep. Bet he has some unsavory ulterior motives behind that offer.

Q: This question got asked to me, and I still haven't figured out the right answer.

Would you rather have the absolute worst, foulest smelling body odor and bad breath known to man (think of sewage & garbage mixed into one) but you were the only one that could smell it, and everyone else thought you were okay. OR would you rather have the same situation and you think you smell delicious but everyone else thinks you stink.

A: I’m going to let you in on a little secret: when it comes to my appearance and hygiene, I care. I don’t care in an unhealthy way, but I do care the appropriate amount one person should. I take all measures to never be the guy with superfluous neck hair, 6-inch pubes, horse shit breath, zits in my asshole, or other things that repulse people. Just don’t want that perception of me running wild in the streets, you know? I couldn’t care less if people think I am an asshole, but my breath sure as hell isn’t going to smell like one. So I’ll bear the cross and always think I have sweaty crotch breath while everyone else thinks my insides are made of peppermint. There is no other choice for me.

By the way, if you changed this scenario to farts, it’s about as ideal a proposition one man can face.

Q: So my uncle got married to a woman who had a daughter in a previous marriage. I suppose that makes her my cousin even though we're not blood relatives at all. She's hot, and I could probably bang her. What's your opinion on that situation?

A: Sure, you could fuck her. You can fuck anyone, really. But there are a lot of things people can technically do in life that they shouldn't. In my book, slipping your dick in someone that is loosely related to you, blood or not, is one of those things. Make of that what you will, but gist of it is you don't have my blessing and I'm donating your inheritance to charity for even thinking about it.

That book I mentioned, by the way, is entitled, “Fuck Your Step Cousin, Lose Your Dignity: 101 Places Your Greasy Cock Doesn't Belong.” On bookshelves nowhere. Yet!

Q: My girl and I have been trying to bang for 3 weeks now and she either can’t stay wet or I cant finish… any advice?

A: I can't help you with your ED problem — I'm not a healer for Christ's sake — but the predicament of your girlfriend going dry is why science invented Astroglide, which is a terrible product to masturbate with if you have time constraints, but a godsend if you're having sex with a patch of desert.

Also, are you sure that you two are even attracted to each other? Sex with a new girlfriend isn't supposed to be this tumultuous.

Q: Would you rather have the NBA career of Alonzo Gee (unheralded, decent pro money, not much recognition), or Magic Johnson (mega money, best pg ever, HIV positive).

A: Back in the day, I'd want to be a superstar, because the world was different. Things were ignored, slipped under the rug, and people actually watched sports for, ya know, sport and not to see Brett Favre's dick or someone's fake dead girlfriend. It wasn't that superstars were anymore innocent back then, they were just more concealed, shielded even. Now we know better, we know the list of shit MJ, Barkley and Magic got away with is long and seedy — much to the envy of Kobe and Tiger just to name a few.

In today's world, with social media and the press constantly trying to drudge up damaging juice on just about everyone, I'd much rather be the virtual no-name making $500K a year riding the bench and saving my knees and money for the 30 years of life after basketball ends. Also, I'd rather not have HIV. I'm fuckin' nutty like that.

Q: Thanks to Betcheslove this, I find your site pretty entertaining so I have come here seeking some advice. Since last year, I have been with this pro and during the summer he told me he didn't want a relationship because he was going off to university and I was entertaining my senior year of high school. Not giving a fuck, I thought it made sense a for a month we didn't talk. Yet after that we started up again and we always talk and see each other still. I don't get why he would want to still take the time to have sex with me and hang out all the time if he's in university and made it clear before he didn't want anything. Especially since it isn't just random booty calling.

A: First of all, ARE YOU SERIOUS with this question? You're enabling him to have someone to screw at his leisure; of course he's going to keeping coming to the well until it dries up.

I'll tell you why he is doing this: The ideal scenario for any guy who doesn't want a relationship is steady, on-his-own-time, no-strings-attached, footloose and fancy-free sex. You're providing that with little to no resistance AND he can still do as he pleases with other chicks without you having the right to be mad.

Q: Okay so I have a situation that I've been dealing with for a few weeks and I don't know what to do. I broke up with girl about 2 months ago. Recently she has come back with a sexual desire for me, and we've been doing that for a couple weeks, but on the side I've been talking to this girl who's awesome too. Do I keep getting with my ex or do I go with the new chick?

P.S. my ex is hotter but new chick is a Virgin

A: That “P.S. ” you dropped is a  game changer. Like it has a Devin-Hester-in-his-prime kind of effect on the outcome of this answer.

Virgins are held sacred, and every dude and his brother wants to get with them because they are innocent and tight and shattering a hymen sounds way more badass than it actually is. But virgins can be a hassle. A time-suck. More trouble than they're worth. You picking up what I'm putting down, chief?

Not all of them are terrible to deal with, of course, but some won't sleep with you for months and when they finally do they expect a relationship. That said if you’re sick of your ex-girlfriend, tired of banging hotter chicks, and into putting in effort just to take some young fawns v-card, then go for it.

Q: Okay so I have a crisis on my hands. I leave to go on spring break Saturday, but I have a Sinus infection coupled with a nasty cough. I mean when I cough, it looks like I've fired a shotgun loaded with mucus shells. The doctor said the Antibiotics won't take effect until Friday and I will still have a bit of a cough. So my two questions are: 1. Is it still possible for me to get a girl to fuck me even if I cough after every other sentence. 2. Is it safe to drink alcohol and take antibiotics at the same time?

A: You're probably going to be in much better shape by Saturday. You sent this last night and you'll be on prescription drugs for six full days until the madness ensues. By then, the coughing should happen less frequently if at all. You should be fine when it comes to getting a girl to fuck you.

As for questions numero dos, I'm not about to tell you to go drink a thousand beers while you're on medication. For all I know you're trying to incriminate me to be held accountable for your death should you go and do that. Not this guy, pal. NOT THIS GUY. Live stupidly at your own risk.

Q: Have you seen the Ex-Miss Delaware sex tape? Its horrific…I put more into masturbation than she does fucking (on tape-I hope she's better off camera). Do you think she was worth the $1,500 she got paid cause she sure as shit isn't worth $250,000 that Pornhub or whoever is offering.

A: Full disclosure: I have not seen it. I know it's like my job and shit to be up to speed on these viral happenings but I didn't watch it for the same reason I don't watch the CFL: why waste your time watching a wannabe when you can watch a top-notch pro? The last time I knuckled one out to amateur porn was before jerking it from imagination fell out of style – you know, the “from memory” whacks you threw in the shower at your parent’s house during high school.

I know Melissa King wasn't exactly famous before this but I rarely watch celebrity sex tapes because they're all the same; the lighting sucks, the angles are all wrong, and none of them know how to suck a dick with gusto. Passionless porn has no place in my life. So I'm not at all surprised little miss beauty queen fucked like a dead ox.

As for the $250,000, it's less about her skills and more about how wide-sweeping this news was. Gotta take advantage.

Follow me on Twitter @JCamm_ and Submit your Ask a Bro questions here.