Life
by Steve Coulter on June 5, 2014

creepy-things-guys-do
Let’s face it, without even trying it’s easy to come across as “creepy.” You might not know what you’re doing but there are natural things guys do that just look downright creepy. Today we explore those creepy things and say to all guys doing them to “STOP IT.”

Nobody’s perfect, but there are bros out there who have mastered their respective games to the point where all the rest of us can do is sit around and wonder how the fuck they got so good at something as complex as talking to women without scaring them away.

Of course, we all chase away women every now and then – it’s a part of life as a bachelor.

Nonetheless, no matter how many times it’s happened to you, this unsatisfying result never gets easier on the male psyche to swallow.

You can approach a girl knowing that you’ll strike out – a big no-no, by the way – and you’ll still feel the sting of rejection even though you were expecting it.

As shitty as it feels to get straight up denied, the feeling of knowing you blew a sure-fire opportunity at sex because you were too aggressive or too ambiguous (sketchy) is 100 times worse.

If she’s willing, then it’s pretty to read the signs. The problem is most guys act – or fail to act – before any signs are given and then believe they’re in a situation to advance the conversation to the bedroom even though no real connection has been made.

It’s worth mentioning here, before we get started, that we’ve all made these mistakes in our lives. Whether or not you’re willing to admit it, these are the 10 creepy things all guys do but shouldn’t:

1.Staring obnoxiously (or without blinking)
With or without sunglasses on, a girl can tell if you’re ogling her because your neck is cranked right in a very specific direction and your mouth is agape. Turn your head upright and close that damn mouth. As much as girls love attention, they loathe guys who stare at them as if their aliens, especially from a distance.

Not only will this affect your chances at the party/bar, it will also hinder your fellow bros game. No chick wants to talk to any guy who has any association with the guy who can’t stop staring. More importantly, it’ll make all the girls in the room feel awkward – not just the one you’re looking obsessively at like a deranged pervert.

Act like you’ve been there before, champ. There’ll be plenty of time to gawk at her when you’ve initiated conversation and she’s rambling about her vacation to Florida. Until you get to this point, keep your eyes floating and pretend like you’re constantly being distracted by everything that’s going on around you. This way you can still maintain your peripheral vision and keep an eye on the target without everyone in the room feeling your looming presence.

2.Grabbing ass
Allow me to put a gigantic disclaimer on this: grabbing ass does not apply to every girl.

Some chicks absolutely love it when you cop a feel, especially if you’ve gotten them out on the dance floor. However, if you’re just being a drunken barbarian who’s looking for a cheap squeeze for the sake of reminding people you’re in the room, then you’re going to be walking home empty handed – and potentially with her hand print on your face.

Grabbing ass is one of those moves that no matter how much your brain is saying, “Go for it!” you’re actually better off denying that impulse and doing nothing.

I’m an aggressive man by nature. I used to love randomly smack girls’ asses in middle school and high school and, although I used to get punished for it all the time, I didn’t learn my lesson until college when I was at a bar and decided to go straight in for some butthole action. If you’re going to go in for the ass grab, whatever you do, don’t eschew touching flesh first.

Going for hole in any public setting will leave her emotionally scarred and will leave you ostracized by a majority of females on campus.

3. Saying “hi” or “hey” too many times
Chalk this up to: don’t try and force an awkward conversation. If you’ve already been introduced and the dialogue petered out after 10 minutes, and there’s nothing else you can talk about, then abandoned ship. Don’t go running into a burning building that nobody is in – it’s not worth it.

The reason why this is listed as saying “hi” too many times is because I have a friend who, when he gets drunks, completely forgets meeting people and goes up to them again and again and introduces himself. While a majority of girls actually giggle at this play – he must appear to be a sincere guy or something, there is absolutely no chance any of them are coming home with him – none. If you have to introduce yourself twice in the same night or ask for her to introduce herself again to you, then you’ve already blown the opportunity and you mine as well just start double fisting.

4. Offering up your seat
I forget who told me this – it could have been a male or female, but offering up your seat to a chick just so you can hover over her and force a conversation is a bad play. You’re better off being the asshole who looks miserable and who doesn’t give two shits about anyone else in the bar, then being the creepy standing guy who doesn’t have a chair to sit in because he thought sacrificing his own would get him laid.

This is a cheap trick, boys. And although it appears to be chivalrous, women have caught on to it over the years and have developed a no tolerance policy.

If you have a story where you gave up your seat and you ended up getting laid because of it, I’d love to hear it. Please, I’m all ears.

5. Paying for everything
Very similar to offering up a seat, this superficially chivalrous move actually doesn’t work as well as one would think – if at all. Yes, girls love guys who will take care of them, give them attention, buy their friend’s drinks, etc.

However, what they don’t like is when you sprint across the 7-11 to pay for their soda and pack of gum. Assuming you’re over the age of 18 – and even if you’re not, the girl can afford the Cherry Coke and Dentyne Ice on her own. Playing the role of father isn’t going to expedite you getting laid anytime. In fact, it’ll probably guarantee that your penis remains in your pants for a good time to come – as it deserves to be after pulling a chicken shit stunt like that.

It’s one thing to pay for a round of drinks or a meal, but it’s a different beast when you’re whipping out your wallet every time you hear the sound of a cash register. Not only is it pathetic, it’s certified strange.

If you don’t believe me, then ask a female friend for an opinion and see what she says.

6. Wrapping the arm around her shoulder
In certain situations, this is a totally fine play – like when you do it with aforementioned female friend. However, if you’re trying to have sex with this girl, grabbing her around the shoulder and pulling her in isn’t the best move you can make. It’s technically not even a move because it’s something everybody in the world does at some point or another. It’s like another form of saying hello or hugging really.

Here’s a little bit of insight for those still reading: when choosing what move to make with a girl, pretend as if your little brother just walked in the room. If he could pull the same move you’re thinking about pulling without chasing her away – i.e. the shoulder grab, then it’s probably a good idea to come up with something better; something more elusive, sly and personal.

The arm around the shoulder reeks of boyhood crushes and friend zone. Throw it in the trash immediately, please, before you have to retire your cock forever.

7. Offering to help out of nowhere
Creating this list it’s funny to see which of these have tripped me up in the past. These next two – along with the ass grab – are certainly some of my worst moments when it comes to approaching women.
If a fight breaks out at a party and a drink spills all over the girl you’re interested in, but not talking to at the moment, it’s not a good idea to suddenly rush over to the scene and grab her clothing. This, like many of the other creepy mistakes on this list, will put you in a situation where she will: a) wonder who the fuck you are; b) call for her friends to rescue you; c) eliminate all and any chance you have of making further contact with her.

Like all plays, bide your time and remember that patience is a virtue for a reason. Just because she’s got beer on her dress, doesn’t mean she’s leaving the party. There will be another opportunity for you to interject without looking like a desperate fool, trust me.

8. Leaving note
God, can we just skip this one? Fine, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve done this with the thought that it might result in something positive down the road. If you want me to skip to the end: it doesn’t. As soon as you pick up the men and start moving it across paper, you’re casting your cock off to damnation. If you want a reality check that you’re game isn’t bulletproof, then here’s the ultimate test.

Write her a sincere note about what you want, how you feel and why you believe you deserve it. If it ends with sex, again, please let me know.

9. Talking about other women
Now, we’ve kind of drifted away from the “creepy” category and entered desperate territory – seriously, is there anything more pathetic than offering to do laundry or writing a note?

Alas, it doesn’t get creepier than talking about your mother, your ex-girlfriend or your former fuck buddy to a girl you just met. Keep the conversation limited and try to make her laugh. None of the aforementioned women will get her to do that so it’s best you not bring them up at all.

10. Assuming something is going to happen
A man’s No. 1 downfall is his expectations that everything will play out the way he wants it to. The sad reality is that we’re not Charlie living in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. We don’t get everything we want and, most of the time; we’re left with our own two hands as pleasure-making devices.

Now, I’m not saying forgo having confidence, because every bro needs that weapon. What I’m simply getting at is that most guys chase scare off girls because they think that sex is in the cards right away when really it takes some time and some hard work. Nothing wrong with that, it just means you’ve got pay attention to every word you say and every gesture you make because the next one could be the one that chases her away for good.

Steve Coulter

About Steve Coulter...

Steve Coulter is a freelance write for BroBible. He compulsively spends entire paychecks to travel and see live sports, which only hemorrhages more money from his depleted bank account. In his down time, he watches too much TV and contemplates everything that's wrong with the world.