Life
by Chris Illuminati on December 9, 2013

Every year, Florida is home to crazy people and some of the most insane news stories in any year — and 2013 was no exception. If something absurd happened this year, it most likely took place in the “Sunshine State.” Maybe it’s all that sunshine and hot weather that drives the occupants of the state bonkers.

In 2013, Florida had it all — meteorites, twerking issues, toddler tossing, exorcisms and deer heads in Doritos bags.

Check out the 25 craziest Florida stories of 2013.

25. Guy Goads Kids Into Fight, Joins in When His Son Starts Getting Ass Kicked

It takes a strong father figure to teach a son the right and wrong time to get into a fight. It takes an even stronger father to hold down another teen and punch him repeatedly in the face.  A 51-year-old dad from Brevard County, Florida was charged with child abuse and contributing to the delinquency of a minor after he encouraged two teens — one being his son — to fight. The dad jumped into the fracas when his kid got lit up. The dad was also shirtless at the time because Florida.

24. Student Suspended When His Twerking Sets Off School Fire Alarm

A 6th grader at a middle school in Collier County was suspended after a twerking episode went wrong. The kid’s moves were so hot he set off the school fire alarm. According to this news story, North Naples Middle School is a “twerk-free” zone. the student was suspended for the incident. Does a twerk-free zone involve cool warning signs like in “drug free” zones? We want “no twerk zone” sign for our office.

23. Boy Hit In Head By Meteorite

A Loxahatchee boy was hit in the noggin while playing in his driveway by what appeared to be small pebbles. The fragments were taken to Florida Atlantic University for initial testing, the chemical test showed that the stones are metallic, indicating they likely came from space.

22. “Batman” Robs Family

A man wearing a Batman mask — along with three other men — pulled off an armed robbery at a house in the Orlando area. The male suspect posing as Batman was described as 6-foot to 6-foot-3, weighing about 170 pounds and answered to the name Ben Affleck.

21. Woman Runs Over Duck Who Wouldn’t Accept Her Offer of Candy

A Tarpon Springs woman was arrested and accused of intentionally driving over and killing a duck. The duck allegedly wouldn’t approach the woman to accept a piece of candy from her. One witness said Lindgren had “stalked” the duck prior to the incident and this is why animals should really stay off Adult Fowl Finder.

20. Orlando Woman Tosses Toddler at Cop as a Distraction To Punch Her Partner

Crouching Tiger, Flying Baby. An Orlando mom was arrested after police said she walked away from a traffic crash, tossed her 2-year-old daughter at an officer and punched another female cop in the face. The mom was tasered and taken into custody and the little girl has a bright future as a basketball.

19. Bad News: Public Python Hunting is Canceled This Year

Sad news out of the Florida Everglades — a public hunt for Burmese pythons won’t be repeated this year, even though last year event’s was such a huge success. Remember Emma even made a cake? So much fun! The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission instead decided to hire trained hunters who regularly work in the area to contain or depose of the exotic snakes.

18. 12-foot Gator Tied to Tree Behind Apartment Complex

An alligator gator, who may have hatched when Richard Nixon was president according to the licensed trapper called out to corral and kill the beast, was found on a leash and tethered to a tree like a junk yard dog behind an apartment complex. The 11 feet, 6 inch beast was being cared for by unidentified people who would “come by once in a while and feed it cats.”

17. Florida Woman Renews Marriage Vows To a Ferris Wheel Named ‘Bruce’

Honestly, with the dating options in Florida, is it any wonder women are marrying amusement park rides? Linda Ducharme of Gibsonton, Florida renewed her vows to the Sky Diva ferris wheel who she affectionately named Bruce. The lovely ceremony also included the words, “I tie you, flesh to steel.” and afterward Linda feed Bruce a slice of pizza because this is the world in which we live.

16. Naked Man Stranded at Beach Shot to Death While Trying to Run Home

We tried to stay away from stories involving the death of a human but this story was too crazy not to include. A 22-year-old father was abandoned at a beach by a friend who took his clothes and skateboard as a joke. The man decided to run home and, during that run, got into an altercation with a passing motorist who stopped to offer help. The two got into a tussle and, because this is Florida, the naked guy got shot.

15. Nude Guy Arrested For Throwing Leather Coat, Mailbox, Gate

A naked (OF COURSE!) man was locked up and accused of yelling and throwing a leather jacket, a mailbox and a gate at his neighbor’s truck. The 40-year-old man remained nude and belligerent after police arrived and continued to throw things into the street, including a knife and the neck of a guitar.

14. Man Tried Exorcism on 80-year-old Girlfriend

It’s the classic tale of man and woman getting into a lover’s quarrel and in an attempt to get her to see things his way he tried to get the devil out of her. Did we mention she was 80 years old and he’s 56 years old? Did we mention this isn’t the middle ages? Did we mention he took the batteries out of the house phone to keep her from calling for help and rigged the garage door so it wouldn’t open and she couldn’t leave?  Did we mention the reason for all this was because “she is crazy” according to the boyfriend? Did we mention these stories get crazier, because they do.

13. Parents Post Photo of Child Drinking From Beer Bottle Online — Cops Investigate

We can’t stress this enough — if you’re going to ruin your kid’s life, don’t put the photo on Instagram. Put it on Facebook, where all the other parents post photos that will eventually ruin their kid’s life. A couple posted a photo of their young daughter drinking from a beer bottle. The photo led local deputies to track down the parents and conduct an underage drinking investigation. Investigators concluded that both the bottle, and the heads of the parents, were completely empty.

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12. Woman Arrested For Yelling 'It's Titty Time!' at Various Bar Patrons

A woman was arrested for incident exposure in a Florida bar. Here are her exact words. “It's titty time, I'll take everything off. I am getting arrested for indecent exposure! I'll give you something to look at baby I'll take everything off! Oh, yes, baby I'll take it all off OK.” And now you’ve got your senior yearbook quote.

11. Massive Riot Explodes In Youth Detention Center Over a Cup O' Noodles

According to sheriff’s officers, two groups of boys at the Avon Park Youth Academy began fighting after a basketball game in which the losing team had to give the winning team three Cup O’Noodle packages. We’re pretty sure this was the original plot to Space Jam.

10. Man Who Survived Shark Attack Also Lived Through Rattlesnake, Monkey and Lightening Strike. Not All In Same Day  

A Florida man vacationing in the Bahamas survived a shark attack while snorkeling and spearfishing for grouper. Erik Norrie has also been struck by lightning, had his right leg bitten by a rattlesnake and been punched by monkeys TWICE on two separate occasions. He says he owes his survival to a “strong faith in God” but let’s just hope God doesn’t come calling for Erik to build an arc. The animals might kill him before the flood does.

9. Man Reveals Murder Plot to Cops During Via Butt Dial

Beware the butt dial! It can get you in trouble with your job, your girl or even the cops. Authorities in South Florida charged a man with murder after he pocket dialed 911 and was allegedly recorded discussing a plan to kill a man who was later found shot to death. Plus the poor guy went over his minutes for the month!

8. Florida Gators Player Arrested For Barking At Police Dog

According to the police, troubled Florida Gators linebacker Antonio Morrison was arrested while police were responding to a disturbance call at a local bar. A police K9 named “Bear” was in the squad car of a responding officer and Morrison walked over to the vehicle and began to barking at the dog. Morrison was arrested after police repeatedly told him to stop. Morrison told the cops he made a “woof woof” sound because the dog bark at him first. He probably would have gotten off had he’d claimed he was just preparing for an upcoming game with SEC rival Georgia Bulldogs.

7. Deer Gets Head Stuck in Doritos Bag — Cops Lend a Hand

Florida — where the wildlife is almost as helpless as the people. A deer in the Florida Keys needed assistance from the local deputies to remove a Doritos bag from its head. The deer’s entire head was stuck in the bag of chips. Don’t even ask where he got the jar of salsa stuck.

6. Kids ‘Frozen’ at Movie Theater When Graphic Sex is Shown Instead of Disney Flick

A Pinellas Park, Florida movie theater full of families got an unexpected surprise while waiting for the new Disney flick Frozen to start — a porno. One woman in the theater said there was a delay and instead of the movie an old cartoon began to play. The cartoon suddenly turned into a sexually graphic movie scene which last “less than two minutes” which is exactly how long the dad’s watching in the theater lasted. Homemade buttered popcorn for everybody!

5. Entire Restaurant Staff Fired Via Text Message

MAMMA MIA (and other stereotypical Italian mottos) what a predicament!  Employees at an Italian bistro in Winter Park, Florida all found they were out of a job via text message. The restaurant was shutting down, and instead of telling everyone in person, each employee received a nice, personalized pink slip text. They also haven’t received their paychecks yet.

4. Guy Accidentally Shoots Himself While Bowling

A man accidentally shot himself in the leg while bowling after he set off the firearm in the pocket of his shorts on a back arm swing.  The ball hit him in the leg, triggering the revolver. Police did not identified the victim, but witnesses said he limped back to his seat, holding his leg. He’s probably needed to sit out the next frame.

3. Guy Wanted To Be Firefighter So Started His Own Blaze — Does $500K in Damage

In July, a fire caused more than $500,000 in damage to the East Hernando Branch Library in Brooksville, FL. Firefighters thought the blaze was suspicious and was probably started by somebody. That somebody was Joseph Michael Brannen, an aspiring fire fighter. Brannen just happened to be hanging out near the scene of the fire — in full firefighter gear he bought off eBay. We can all connect the same dots the investigating fire fighters did to figure out the fire bug.

2. Man Calls 911 and Asks Cops to Bring Him Kool-Aid and Drugs

The police are supposed to protect and serve but we’re pretty sure this guy misunderstood the idea behind the word “serve.” A guy in St. Petersburg, FL called 911 approximately 80 times in one day. He needed burgers, Kool-Aid and weed delivered to his house. What? No love for Koolickles? On the way to county lockup, the guy started “chewing the foam attached to the metal caging in the back of the police cruiser.” Seriously, get the guy a burger!

1. Male Teacher Suspended For Touching Female Student…With a Banana

A Florida high school teacher was suspended for three days without pay for touching a female student with a banana during a Freudian psychology lecture. The student claims the teacher was rubbing the banana over the student’s head and neck but the teacher claims he only tapped her with the banana to get her attention. The teacher will likely “a peal” the suspension. See what we did there?