Per this Craigslist Ad:
It has come into my knowledge that a certain left-wing underground society is targeting me and my vast wealth. The only way I know to protect myself is to do what all mega-billionaires do in this day and age: hire hot twin assassins to protect them.
● Must be proficient in hand to hand combat techniques
● Must be able to handle Warsaw and NATO Pact small arms and on occasion heavier hardware, like TV guided missiles. The one with the camera on it.
● Able to identify biochemical agents. These are mostly labeled, but there are a couple of techs I employ that refuse to write anything down.
● Training programs ARE available, as there are terribly few biochemist/assassin/weapon experts in the world
● You must move into my secret lair upon getting hired.
● I have to move my secret lair on occasion due to attacks from the aforementioned left-wing agendaists. Must be able to lift 40 pounds unassisted. I hired a moving company one time. They were secret agents. I had to trick them into driving into a volcano.
Salary: Negotiable based on experience. I will be doing background checks on applicants.
Benefits: Full health and dental. We have a flex spending account to get laser eye correction done, I can't abide people wearing glasses (exception: safety glasses) while firing pistols akimbo and diving through shattering glass. We have an accidental death and dismemberment clause also, since our insurance company doesn't know exactly WHAT we do here; however, it does NOT cover accidents based on biochemical agents that are improperly marked or handled. We also have a fierce 401K plan.
I am also looking for backup sets of twin assassins. Don't feel bad if you get second-stringed, the right-wing ultranationalists that have differing opinions on how many mulligans one is allowed in a friendly game of golf are consistently sending agents to kill me. So the first set might not make it. Just last week our catering company was infiltrated and attempted to poison me with steak tartar. Luckily, I find that dish to be vile and wanted nothing to do with it.
I look forward to hearing from you!