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This Guy Jerked Off Into His Coworker’s Coffee For MONTHS And Had The Dumbest Reason For Doing It

By / 09.04.14

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When I want a certain boy to notice me, I get really drunk and proceed to have an incoherent conversation with him that typically ends with me doing the most un-sexy neck lick you can imagine. When a boy wants me to notice him, he usually…well, that hasn’t happened yet. I actually don’t know what men do in order to grab a girl’s attention. One guy in Minnesota jerked off into his coworker’s coffee for a few months straight hoping she’d notice him, but that can’t be a common thing, right?

John R. Lind faces two counts of criminal sexual conduct for incidents that allegedly happened since late February. Charges were filed in Ramsey County.

According to the criminal complaint, an employee at Beisswenger’s hardware store in New Brighton called police on Aug. 26., saying she thought Lind, her co-worker, was leaving bodily fluids on her desk.

She told officers that she found Lind that afternoon standing in front of her desk, his back turned to her and his hands near his crotch. The worker wasn’t sure what Lind was doing, but she told police he had a “deer in the headlights” expression on his face when he noticed her behind him…

The worker told police she inspected her desk and found fluid on the surface, dripping onto the floor. A lot of it had been absorbed into her hair scrunchy, which she put into a plastic bag. When at the scene, officers collected her coffee mug, coffee and scrunchy…

While talking with officers, he [Lind] admitted to ejaculating on his co-worker’s desk and coffee on Aug. 26, which was his birthday. He then went on to admit that he’d ejaculated in her coffee twice in the last six months, and on her desk four times, wiping up the mess with the scrunchy.
He told police he was attracted to his co-worker and did this to get her to notice him. He also said that he knew it was “gross and wrong,” the complaint states.

The worker told police that her coffee had tasted strange on numerous occasions – more than twice in the last several months. She said she initially thought the taste was spoiled cream, but when police informed her that Lind admitted to tampering with her coffee, she said “I knew it.”

Via WCCO

Uh, if you “knew it” then why did you keep drinking the sementastic coffee? Why didn’t you report him for being a creepy weirdo? Of course, the biggest question here is “Why the fuck would you think that jerking off into someone’s coffee will make them like you?” His original goal was to be noticed, which he achieved, but I can only assume step two in his master plan was “Make her like me,” which he’s clearly failed at.

[H/T Gawker]
[Image via Shutterstock]


TAGSdumb crime
Rebecca Martinson
About Rebecca Martinson... Rebecca Martinson is a recent graduate from the University of Maryland who is notoriously known throughout the Internet for being really, really adequate at writing emails. She joined BroBible right after graduating in the Spring of 2014 and doesn't hate it...yet.

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