If this first story doesn't make you think twice about naming your kin Joel, nothing will.
I was living in Costa Rica for a year with two guy friend,s Craig and Joel. Craig and I occasionally had visitors (who wouldn't want to travel to Costa Rica), while Joel, never had anyone come down to visit.
Well, Joel decided that he couldn't hang anymore and wanted to go back to the US, but before he left a good girlfriend of his was going to come down and help him pack and move back home.
The good friend happened to be a girl named Jackie. Unfortunately for him Jackie wanted to be 'just friends'. On an even more unfortunate note, I had been on a couple of dates with Jackie before we moved down to Costa Rica. But this time she was coming to visit Joel and I knew how much he liked her, so I didn't even try to flirt.
Joel was doing everything he could to get Jackie on his good side. He took her to dinner, up to a mountain retreat and out to the beach for a few days.
When they got back to the city where we lived, she told us how desperate he was acting, how he confessed his love to her, and how she was feeling a bit creeped out. (She was not the first to feel this way around him; he tended to have that effect on women).
It was Jackie and Joel's last night in town, and we all went out to party. We did dinner, then dancing at a club. Craig had found a girl at the club. I was hanging out with Jackie. She told me she wasn't interested in Joel, and just wanted to have fun on her last night in town.
Craig was grinding his girl on the dance floor. I got on the floor with Jackie. The four of us were the life of the party, and with two hot girls, everyone was watching us. Joel was off by himself sulking because the girl he loved was grinding with me. I felt bad, but you know, we are all just having fun.
After a while we took a break from dancing. The two girls started becoming friendly. They went off to the dance floor together. They started grinding and it was hot. The whole place was watching them, and Craig and I were anticipating the night ahead.
A few hours pass, and the five of us go back to our house. Joel instantly goes in the house and goes to his room. He knows he ain't getting’ none tonight. We take some shots, and are having a good time when we notice both of the girls are gone. We look outside, then walk around the house only to find that they have locked themselves in the bedroom.
Craig and I try the door, but it won't open. We are both intrigued about what is going on inside, and a little bummed out that we were not invited. We listen in for a second and it is quiet. Then we start to hear some groaning. Excited, we beg them to let us in.
After banging on the door a few times we hear, “leave us alone,” at which point our jaws drop and we are in total disbelief. Like dogs, we sit next to the door and listen in as best we can.
About twenty minutes pass, and the girls finally open the door. They are both nekked and lying on Craig's bed. We both run and jump on the bed next to our girls and as they say on “Jersey Shore” we 'get it in'.
Craig's girl takes a cab home. Craig, Jackie and I are lying on the bed passed out. We hear an alarm go off. It is Joel's alarm because he and Jackie have to catch an early flight back to the US. Joel gets in the shower and I wake just enough to get another round in with Jackie. At first we are quiet, but after a few minutes, Craig wakes up.
Two guys and a girl in bed. I got Jackie from behind. Craig pulls his dirty dick out and shoves it in Jackie's mouth. She takes it like a champ.
Joel gets out of the shower and comes into the room to wake Jackie up. She is getting double stuffed and Joel goes ballistic. He jumps on the bed and starts punching us. None of us move as Craig and I are trying to bust a nut and Jackie is stuck in between us.
Joel punches Craig in the face. Craig throws Jackie off him and she falls off the bed. I am holding onto Jackie and I fall too. Craig and Joel are fighting. Jackie and I are on the floor. She tries to get up, but I insist we finish what I started.
She gets up and runs to the bathroom. I try to separate Joel and Craig, but Joel socks me in the face. Craig and I are nekked and Joel has a towel on. We are all fighting.
Jackie gets out of the shower and breaks up the fight. Joel and her leave for the airport. Craig and I stay in Costa Rica for a few more weeks.
We have never seen Jackie or Joel again.
This next one basically confirms the old saying that some people “can't walk and chew bubble gum at the same time.” Only in this instance you should replace “walk” with “blow a guy.”
This story took place homecoming weekend at my college. Needless to say we start drinking heavily as soon as we woke up and proceeded to do so the whole day. By the time night fell my buddies and I went to the bar we always go to because it is only 100 feet from my house. This bar has bottomless cups available for every liquor behind the bar. As you can imagine, I’m on life support when I run into a previous hook-up of mine. She was looking damn good that night, mainly because I had been drinking for 12 hours.
We danced a little, did some shots when suddenly I realized two things: 1) I'm way too drunk and probably cant even get it up at this point and 2) I'm about puke. A LOT! I quickly told the girl I was going to go outside and smoke a cig real quick and I’d be right back. Since I live next door to the bar I immediately ran home the best I could (I fell a few times which I discovered from the cut and bruises the next day).
I got home, puked my dick off and felt way better. Then I smoked a bowl, went back to the bar still completely shit faced, found the girl I had been talking with, and grabbed another drink. This is where my memory of the night ends…
The next morning I woke up nekked. The girl from the bar, also nekked, was lying next to me. I was rather happy with myself, still getting laid after I puked a days worth of booze up. so I rolled over went to scratch my junk. When I reached my pubes I felt something sticky. Not c*m sticky, either. So I quickly pulled the sheets back to find that my man patch is FULL OF BUBBLE GUM. Apparently in our drunken stooper, the girl blew me with bubble gum in her f*cking mouth.
I immediately woke this idiot up, b*tched her out, and threw her out of my house. Then I had to destroy a pair of clippers by trimming gum out of my pubes. The sound of the clippers woke my roommate up and he walked in on me trimming bubble gum off my junk. He fell on the floor laughing and I was left with a bald crotch.
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The guy who got the 800th ride of the night on a girl named Ms. Piggy last week wanted redemtion. So here is his not-so-humble brag.
Started out on a Thursday. I got a text from my Bro that goes to UB saying we could get in on a limo bus with 20 girls and a couple of us guys. I obviously said yes as I’m not a homo/prude but in the back of my head had plenty of doubts.
Well me and 4 other Bros show up to his house and he insists that its just us 5 guys and like 20 girls. We figure whatever and go over to her dorm (it was her 21st and apparently enjoyed the dorm life still).
We get there and immediately go to the n64 and start playing WWF RAW. There was like 4 girls and we assumed the others that would show would bring dudes so our hopes rely on the fact that she has told us we can drink her alcohol and Jell-o shots until they are gone. We take this as a challenge.
An hour later or so, sure as shit, ten girls come in with no dudes. The gods (and odds) are in our favor tonight.
The limo bus shows up, I get the driver’s card incase I lose the crowd, and I board. I establish my spot next to a cooler to put my beer. As we take off the ratio is 17-5. I’m not sure how that happened but I’m grateful.
Skip ahead till about 3 a.m. (bars are open till 4 in buffalo) a hot chick comes and asks me to dance. After explaining more then once of my lack of abilities to “bust a move” she drags me out.
Well I figured I’d embarrassed myself but this chick dug it so we get back on the bus to take us back and she snuggles under me. Then tells me were not having sex. That comment basically confirmed that I’m banging this girl tonight.
When we get back to the dorms we get after on the couch. I wake up in the morning to her in a cheerleading outfit. Now I’m very pleased with myself.
After cheerleader leaves I gloat to the house how I banged this hot chick and the birthday girl is well aware of this. Fast-forward one hour. Everyone else leaves and all that is left is the birthday girl, one of my Bros who is still sleeping and me. The following convo took place:
Me: Hey you ever have birthday sex?
B-day girl: No (followed by girlish giggling)
Me: I’ll f*ck you right now
B-day girl: Hold on my moms calling me.
As she picks up the phone I start nibbling on her ear and she tells mom she would call her back. We start shagging all over her friends rooms/closets/bathrooms and on the couch I just banged her dearest friend on….
Ms. Piggy took me for a ride, but I know I banged 2 hot sl*ts that are friends with in hours of each other and I’m chalking that up as a win.
P.S. The truck we drove has a breathalyzer in it to start and I couldn’t start it until 5p.m that night.
Our last story, it the goriest one of them all. Take that at face value.
Let me start by saying, this story is not heroic in the least bit. It’s more of a funny story to give you Bros a nice laugh.
It was the first week of summer after graduating high school, so you know what that means if you’re from Maryland…senior week in Ocean City. If you’ve ever been to senior week or have heard of it, you know that it’s a straight week of being drunk and having no respect for anyone, including yourself.
That’s where my story starts. It was Wednesday night and in Ocean City that means it’s “White-trash Wednesday.” My Bros and I started out at a friend’s house so after that died down we started to make our way to a house party 25 streets away. That’s when things get good. I’m in rare form after drinking about 8 summer beers (vodka/beer/lemonade mix). So I’m walking down Ocean Highway ripping cig after cig, which isn’t like me…at all. My friend who knows I don’t smoke asked me what I was doing and I responded with a simple, “I have no idea.” It was at this point that I realized this night was going to be an interesting one.
There was a girl at the second house who I had a thing for earlier in the year but that fizzled after she hooked-up with one of my best friends and then we all realized she’s batshit insane. So in my drunken state, old feelings arise and I take her to walk on the beach. We sit down on a lifeguard chair and start hooking-up — nothing serious because this girl puts the “dirt” in “dirty”. So after a little we go back to the party and of course all the girls give me dirty looks and my Bros are cracking up making fun of me. At that point I’m tired of the jokes and the other girls there so my friends and I all head back to our place.
The next morning I wake up to a barrage of jokes from my friends, which I deserved and accepted. It was something that to this day I still get made fun of for, but that’s how shit goes. That day my Bro’s girlfriend who was a year below us in school was coming down to visit him and it just so happened that she was bringing a friend along for the trip. Since I was the only guy in that house who didn’t have a girl, all eyes were on me to step up and make up for the previous night.
They both got there and as soon as we started hanging out and drinking around noon, I was getting good vibes from this girl. The girls left to go to my other friend’s girlfriend’s house where they were getting ready for the night so my Bros and I kept drinking getting ready to go out. While we were waiting to go to the girls’ house all the guys told me she wanted it and that if I didn’t go for it they would give me even more shit than the night before.
The pressure was on.
When we got to the party I picked up where I left off with the girl when she was at our place. Like a boss, I took her to the same lifeguard chair from the night before and we started hooking up. We were out there for a long time and the cold ocean air was sobering us up so she wanted to go back in and drink more before we went back at it. We both put our clothes back on, but when trying to gather all her stuff that we threw on the sand she couldn’t find her phone. After a couple of minutes I find it in the buried and that was enough reason for her to reward me for being, in her words, “such a great guy.”
Instead of going back to the party, we start hooking up again and in less than a minute she’s completely nekked on the sand. Since I was such a great guy and found her phone she decided to go down on me as a thank you. After that was over I made my move. However, she made it clear she wasn’t losing her virginity that night on the beach and that she wanted to keep things between us going when I got back home for the rest of the summer so that was fine and thought whatever we can just do everything else. So I started fingering her and after a few minutes of warming her up she was getting real into it and squirming around and shit. I hadn’t even dove all the way in yet so she grabs my hand and just pushes it deeper inside her. At that point shit’s good until I go a little deeper. Just then I feel something and think to myself, “what in f*ck’s name is that?” What else would be up her vag*na but her tampon? It was too dark for me to look at my hand to see the red sea is flowin’ and the joke’s on me. I felt like a goddamn puppeteer at that time. As soon as I realized what I just touched I yell out “are you f*cking kidding?” I had no idea why her tampon was as far in her as it was, but that was the last thing on my mind at that point.
I don’t really need to tell you what happens next because any guy in his right mind would’ve been outta there faster than Billy Cundiff alone in a back alley with Ray Lewis.
I got back to the party and I’m welcomed back by all my friends cracking up and all the girls laughing in the corner. Apparently I was the only one who didn’t know this girl was on her period. Why you ask? Well they all thought it would be a good idea for me to find out first hand (no pun intended) because they thought it was a fair punishment for hooking up with the crazy girl the night before. And why didn’t the girl say anything? Her excuse, according to my bro’s girlfriend, “she just forgot to mention it.”