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Let a Man Talk to You About Cosmo’s Guide to Lesbian Sex

By / 08.04.14

lesbian

Cosmopolitan Magazine published its first-ever guide to lesbian sex and woo hoo. Yay for lesbians being taught how to fuck by hoity New York editorial assistants. Everyone deserves this joy.

But while people are lauding this as a step toward equal rights, not enough people are talking about what it means for white men.

Luckily, I am here. Here is our biggest issue/concern. Will more women be inclined to try box munching? Will that mean fewer women for us men to sleep with, or will they try it, not totally love it, but having tried it, be more willing to participate in girl-girl-guy threesomes?

See, big stuff.

Now that we’ve gotten that worry out of the way, let’s check out all the illustrated pictures of chicks touching each other.

back-that-ass-up

What It’s Called: Back That Ass Up

What It Should Be Called: Fuck Me Like My Ex Used To.

Would I Watch Lesbians Do It in a Pornography?: Yes

Thoughts: I know when I’m fingering a girl, I’m like this is great, but I really should be putting all my weight on your ass cheeks right now.

defying-gravity

What It’s Called: The Defying Gravity

What It Should Be Called: The Butch Chicks Do It After Seeing Wicked.

Thoughts: Look, that’s cute and all (Elphaba!), but there is no way that chair isn’t getting kicked out from under that woman when the other clenches her thighs while climaxing. Sorry, but that’s just the truth.

good-cop-naughty-cop

What It’s Called: Good Cop, Naughty Cop

What It Should Be Called: The “Hey, Wanna Fuck Me With The Strap-On Again?” “Yes, Honey, I Know You Want Me To Use The Strap-On Again, You Always Want To Use The Strap-On, God, Do You Just Wish I Was A Man?”

Thoughts: Sure, I guess it’s fine to enjoy a simulacrum of dick, but it’s also rude. There is plenty of dick out there currently not being fucked that deserves to be fucked. And you’re wasting plastic. 

over-the-edge

What It’s Called: Over The Edge

What It Should Be Called: I Must Break You.

Would I Watch Lesbians Do It in a Pornography?: Of course.

Thoughts: Sure. Nothing screams pleasure like burning thighs. Also, is there a dildo in this? Am I to assume all these involve a dildo? If not, what’s the pleasure here? Is hand holding and hovering how women get off? The emotional connection is so deep.

ride-em-cowgirl

What It’s Called: Ride ‘Em Cowgirl

What It Should Be Called: The Hey Dude Cosplay

Thoughts: That woman is jamming her thumb into the other woman’s clitoris. I mean jamming. Look, you can even see her grabbing the hip for better leverage. Is she trying to make it explode?

the-belly-dancer

What It’s Called: The Belly Dancer

What It Should Be Called: The We Couldn’t Afford a Trip to Hawaii.

Thoughts: Again, is there a dildo here? Do lesbians orgasm from rubbing their ass checks against their partners’ protruding hip bones? Are jutting hips a quality lesbians look for in an SO?

the-bermuda-triangle

What It’s Called: The Bermuda Triangle

What It Should Be Called: The High Heels Are a Symbol of the Patriarchy

Would I Watch Lesbians Do It in a Pornography?: You gotta be damn sure I would.

the-breast-enhacement

What It’s Called: The Breast Enhancement

What It Should Be Called: Nip Touch

Thoughts: That was a pun on the popular FX Show Nip/Tuck. I should write for Cosmo.

the-bridge-to-pleasuretown

What It’s Called: The Bridge to Pleasuretown

What It Should Be Called: The Recycled Tip From The August 09 Issue.

Thoughts: Cosmo has been trumpeting the pillow under the small of the back during oral sex for decades now. We get it.

the-classic-69

What It’s Called: The Classic 69

What It Should Be Called: Cannibal Cat

Would I Watch Lesbians Do It in a Pornography?: Every day.

the-classic-scissor

What It’s Called: The Classic Scissor

What It Should Be Called: Dyke On Dyke

Thoughts: Thanks Cosmos, for teaching lesbians how to Scissor and 69. Why didn’t you just make a 26 tip sex guide? I bet the illustrator was just really into making these animated girls screw. There’s probably 1,000 other of these which involve really weird shit. Like chicks getting eaten out on the hood of a Volvo.

the-double-duty

What It’s Called: The Double Duty

What It Should Be Called: Butt Noms

Thoughts: I think this is a pun on doody, and that you can eat her pussy and ass from this position. No complaints. I respect that.

the-erotic-maypole

What It’s Called: The Erotic Maypole

Thoughts: Are these chicks twins? They look like twins.

the-espresso

What It’s Called: The Espresso

What It Should Be Called: The Let’s Not Fuck

Thoughts: This is not a sexual position. This is barely foreplay.

the-hot-hair-salon

What It’s Called: The Hot Hair Salon

What It Should Be Called: That’s good. I can’t top Hot Hair Salon. That just sounds foul.

Would I Watch Lesbians Do It in a Pornography?: If they were wearing these clothes? Absolutely.

the-hot-wrap

What It’s Called: The Hot Wrap

What It Should Be Called: The Reverse HJ

Thoughts: Right? It looks like she’s giving the dildo a reverse HJ. I don’t think she even cares about the other woman. Just wants to keep touching thT phallus.

the-kinky-joke

What It’s Called: The Kinky Joke

What It Should Be Called: The Hi Ho Silver

Thoughts: This position screams for a strap-on. Get it together, Cosmo.

the-laconic-lounger

What It’s Called: The Laconic Lounger

What It Should Be Called: Fingerbanging Your Girlfriend.

the-lazy-girls-69

What It’s Called: The Lazy Girls

What It Should Be Called: How Lena Dunham Would Do It

Thoughts: Right? This looks like how Lena Dunham would do things if she was a lesbian. Just all foppy and shit.

the-passionate-pole-dancer

What It’s Called: The Passionate Pole Dancer

What It Should Be Called: The Dispassionate Chair Sitter.

Would I Watch Lesbians Do It in a Pornography?: Honestly? not really. This is boring.

the-rocket

What It’s Called: The Rocket

What It Should Be Called: The Lingering Aftertaste

Thoughts: As any man can attest to, having someone sit on your face is fantastic. Approve.

the-rocking-rockette

What It’s Called: The Rocking Rockette

What It Should Be Called: Generic Cunnilingus

Thoughts: Cool.

the-sexy-spider

What It’s Called: The Sexy Spider

Thoughts: What is with all the fucking chairs? Do lesbians have a disproportionate amount of sex in their kitchens and/or home offices?

the-strap-on-sizzle

What It’s Called: The Strap-On Sizzle

What It Should Be Called: The I Wish I Were a Straight White Male

Thoughts: Adorable. But just because you put on a tie and have something swinging between your legs doesn’t mean you get to be CEO.

the-sultry-spoon

What It’s Called: The Sultry Spoon

What It Should Be Called: The How Many Fingers Can I Fit?

Thoughts: Look at that chick’s hand. Who the fuck fingers like that? GRAWW LET ME PAW AT YOU WITH MY CLAW

the-tantric-tete-a-tete

What It’s Called: The Tantric Tete a Tete

What It Should Be Called: The I Can’t Believe I Found Another Gay Amputee

Thoughts: WHERE ARE THEIR OTHER LEGS??

the-tawdry-tire-swing

What It’s Called: The Tawdry Tire Swing

What It Should Be Called: The Pedophilic Recollection of a Treasured Summer Memory

Would I Watch Lesbians Do It in a Pornography?: Maybe not? Kinda hides the good stuff.

the-wicked-warm-up

What It’s Called: The Wicked Warm Up

What It Should Be Called: The There There.

Would I Watch Lesbians Do It in a Pornography?: Yes.

In conclusion, I like lesbians.

[Cats via Shutterstock]


TAGSlesbian sexLesbians
David Covucci
About David Covucci... David Covucci is writerer-bloggerer for BroBible dot com. He loves Twitter and whiskey. He can be reached at david.covucci@brobible.com.

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