College girlfriends are like drugs, they make you feel great for a while, but once you enter the real world they’re much harder to do. College is a fake self-contained ecosystem of mononucleosis and shady hook ups, although your girlfriend is a great escape from that, the real world will show you how fake it all is. Sure, now you two can lie on a blanket in the park, or spend a lazy Sunday in your bed and still be happy. But imagine how happy she’ll be after the third night of you sleeping at your desk because you want to try and make 60K a year by 27. No one can prepare you for post graduation, but here are the reasons why you two will probably break up.
Parents Houses: All that freedom you enjoyed at school is gone now. Sure, you interned your ass off and worked to score that post grad position, but most college graduates are still jobless. While you’re trying to move back in with mom and dad, she’s thinking apartment together. Sure, it would be nice to continue banging without fear of your parents coming in, but doesn’t the fear just make it a little kinkier? Nothing says break up faster than “I don’t think moving out while I’m jobless and 40K in debt is a good idea”.
Moving: Part of the joy of being in your 20’s is never having a home. First, you live with your parents, then you move in with friends, then you learn to hate your friends and find better company in strangers. Not only is your girlfriend becoming a road trip to get to, you’re probably going to get a job offer in another state eventually. Sometimes is easier to cut the chord instead of hearing about how she has no friends now that she followed you to a state where she has no friends.
Personality: After you graduate real life hits, and hits fast. This means the person you loved because they could do a French inhale and took you to Dave and Busters might become a starchy uptight finance guy. Remember that person you fell in love with doing mushrooms your first time on the college quad? Sometimes their Dad dies and they’re never the same after. Your 20’s help you learn to see how you’re going to handle unfathomable pain and stress of life, and often times you two grow apart because you’re just not the man she fell in love banging in the bathroom of the frat house anymore.
Friends: Things get weird when you start to get to know the rest of her hometown friends. Sure, over a summer you met the hometown friends she wanted you to meet, but now there are pictures of her with “Metal Steve”, the guy who wears armor and has un-trustable facial hair or Ryan “The Bear”, a guy who looks like he could throw you 500 feet and asks you to watch his Game Of Thrones impressions. Not only do you mistrust these guys, you mistrust her for hanging out with them.
Social Media: Nothing breaks up a relationship quite like seeing a “Girls Weekend” end up on Facebook. Yep, you needed time with the girls that ended up with you spending time with that guy who has better abs. To you it doesn’t matter he has a cleft palate with those abs, but according to her the issue is your jealousy.
Enjoy college relationships while they last, because unless you have a great job coming out of school, your life is going to suck. Savor the moments with your girlfriend, eat acid, do mushrooms and bang in an empty classroom because eventually everything fun goes away.
Bread Foster is a stand up comedian who clearly hates the business world. Follow him on Twitter @BreadFoster
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