I'd just like to kick this Ask a Bro off by saying Ask a Bro is going on a two-week hiatus because my ass is going on a two-week hiatus, or as the layman call it "a vacation." And just to be perfectly clear, although I love answering these questions, I think I'd rather jerk off with a crushed light bulb in my hand than even entertain the idea of doing anything work-related while I'm away. That said, I'll miss all of you. Deeply. Keep the questions coming and see you in the second half of October.
Q: J. Camm, I'm in sore need of your wise words of boredom. I'm 23 and just graduated college in May. I got a job (in my field of study lolwut) and moved to a new town for work. This town is home to one of the larger party schools in our state, and I'm not about to just give up the raging days of my college past. I'm wondering how long it is before it's weird for me to be going to college parties here with my friends and hooking up with those precious undergrad sloots we all know and love.
A: Had you gone to school there I'd say you have a maximum of three years to intentionally party with college folk, AT BARS -- everyone has younger friends and graduating shouldn't mean you have to stop seeing them. Lingering any longer, however, is goddamn reprehensible. Your 24-25 at that point, time to get on with your life.
As for actually going to a college party, I give this one, MAYBE two years. (Specific alumni events/tailgates/parties not included.) And you shouldn't be doing it every weekend either. That will just make you The Old Guy. No one has respect for The Old Guy.
But there are a lot of arguments and "what ifs" here.
For instance, if you were in grad school suddenly everything is okay again because you're still immersed in the culture. Not saying it will look any less what-the-fuck-ish from other people's perspective for you to trounce an 18-year-old, but it would at least be somewhat acceptable.
But you're not in grad school, nor are you looking to even party at your own school. What you're scheming is weird as shit. (See: loopy doopy figure-8 shit.)
I say if you happen to be at a bar and you pick up a college girl, you're allowed to look at yourself in the mirror the next day free of guilt, but if you knowingly attend a college house party and do the same, that mirror glance should be filled with at least a touch of self-loathing.
Just my $.02
Q: I need advice on approaching woman. Not your typical advice that everyone asks you about, I mean when I go to a bar on average three girls (usually a 7 or 8) approach me and tell me how good looking I am and always catch a number of girls staring. Parties its the same thing. The thing is though, I never go up to them I just can't seem to do it. I don't know why. Things go fine when they come over and start the conversation, I don't even attempt to approach them. HELP A BRO OUT!
A: What you need is confidence and some thick-ass skin (not to be confused with thick ass skin). I sense your reluctance to approach chicks stems from your ego's unwillingness to get shot down.
Feels great when a girl does the dirty work for you, but it's rare for that 'approaching chick' to be north of a seven on the ten-point scale of attractiveness.
You simply need to sack-up and do it. It's really not that difficult. You don't even need some sly, gash-moistener of a line; you just need to introduce yourself. Saying, "Hi, I'm Bruce. Isn't my name manly as fuck?" will do the trick every time so long as you omit the last sentence, because, while true, that's an insane comment.
Have I mentioned that you are going to fail? No? Well, you are going to fail, friend. It is going to sting. Then you are going to succeed. It is going to be better than your first orgasm. (Now I'm feeding you lies. Nothing can top that first 37-rope extravaganza.) This cycle will repeat itself forever. What you have to remember -- and this is real hurdle for universally attractive people -- is that not everyone thinks your the best piece of human they've ever seen. Once you accept that, the rejection rolls right off you.
Q: Read your shit all the time cracks me the fuck up while I'm at work. I agree with 99% of the shit you write. This will sound weird but I don't give a fuck. I've been a visitor long enough to know your views on the would you rather questions and how you are vastly opposed to a bitch violating your asshole (which I agree with, that shit is just fucking weird) but I am however a big fan of girls playing with my nuts.
All that being said would you rather..
1. Be able to play 18 at Augusta with 3 of your boys but you have to let a girl play with your balls for a solid 5 min. You get to bang here any way your heart desires too. This girl is above average solid 7 or 8 but no 10. Someone your boys agree that was a solid score and sexy but there was that one flaw that kept her from being a 9 or 10.
2. You get to play a shit course and I mean A REAL FUCK HOLE course with any 3 people of your choice dead or alive but you have to bang a real fatty 300lb+ dead fucking sober.
A: Man. You HAVE read my previous shit, haven't you? Standing ovation coupled with a howl of "someone buy this guy a hooker" for remembering all that. Seriously, well done.
Despite my intense lack-o-desire to have my balls toyed with, I'm going to suffer for five suicidal minutes for the sake of playing Augusta National. Granted, I'd love to meet a few famous people and I can even get over fucking a lap-band candidate to do so, but I'm not going to reduce myself to playing a shitty golf course. #GolfSnob
I think part of my decision also stems from the potential let down that could occur with meeting a famous hero/celebrity. What if I did chose to go hogging and play 18-holes on a landfill only to have my heroes be total shitsippers? Sounds like the worst series of life events ever.
Q: This girl I just met a few weeks ago has been dropping some hints. She is the roommate of a friend of a friend, and she came over my apartment to help me cook (by herself) and then asked me to attend an professor speak about his findings in psychology (her major, not mine) this past week, just the two of us. However, after the fateful friendship request, I learned she has a boyfriend - who she, nor any of her friends have mentioned and I was completely thrown off. I mean, who does that shit?
So I'm curious as to how I should approach this.
A: She's either an innocent idiot who doesn't understand that what she is doing looks like flirting, or she is a moral-less, two-timing whore who is test driving the domestic skills of her next boyfriend.
To be clear, I haven't the slightest clue as to which it is.
You say she's the roommate of a friend? What you should do is ask your friend (her roommate) just what the hell is going on. She is bound ot have at least something that closely resembles an answer. Or...you can keep attending psychology lectures and cooking classes like a fucking asshole. Your choice.
Timeout for what is far and away my favorite gif of the week.
You want to know why it is my favorite gif of the week? It's not because this dude's hubris was at an all time high over a foul ball. I mean, that's great and all, but I love this because now after reading the rest of this sentence none of you will be able to think of anything else the very second after you blow your next load. It is the ultimate orgasm celebration gif. Don't even come at me with an argument that it's not.
Q: I'm an upcoming senior in high school and have heard a ton of rumors about college so i wanted to ask jcamm almighty. How hard is it to get into a fraternity? How many girls on average will a frat member realistically fuck during college.
A: In what could be my vaguest response of all time: it varies. On both accounts.
Just about anyone can get into a fraternity, but that doesn't mean the one that actually wants you to become a member will be your first, second, or even third choice.
And the amount of sex you have has little to do with fraternal affiliation and everything to do about who you fucking are. Some dudes in my frat got laid a ton, while others did not. There's no realistic number, so don't think those frat dues guarantee a perpetually wet dick. Because they sure fuckin' don't.
Now stop worrying about nonsense that is a year away.
Q: So there's this guy in one of my classes I'm into. We talk every day in class, but have only hung out outside of class once so far, with my female friend there with us. Said friend told me some other chick (who I haven't actually met ) was talking like the guy is into her and implying she's going to get some from him soon. So I ask the guy point-blank the next day in class if he's interested in said other chick. He said "yeah I think so". Wtf does he THINKS so even mean? Do I still have a shot? If so, how do I get him before this other girl? Should I just move on to a less vague bro?
Oh, and while I'm here, here's another question: is virginity a turn-off for a majority of bros? :/
A: Point blank: you've got zero shots with this guy.
I admire his truthfulness, but it's likely he tossed it out there only because he thinks you're into him and wanted to stop you dead in your tracks. His admittance of "I think I like her" was more of a "Well, I don't fucking like you, if that's what you're asking" response. Otherwise he'd have remained mum in order to not ruin any chance he had with you. Clearly that "chance" is not something he particularly gives a shit about.
So yeah, you have nary a chance at being this guy's main bitch. (Not sure why I used that terminology. I'm sitting near a group of toughs on the subway right now as I write this and I think I got caught up in the excitement. Although I wish they'd stop calling each other "N*gga" since they're whiter than fucking milk.)
Are guys turned off by virgins? I wouldn't say the negative stigma is as strong for people in college as it is for people out of college. Unless something has changed since I was an undergrad, dudes are usually thrilled with themselves if they sleep with a Virge. One day, however, we all eventually realize fucking a skilled vet is better than a bumbling novice. That's Pleasure 101.
Q: So I always hear stories about blacking out, and I'm an adventurous type so the thought of waking up somewhere with no recollection as to why sounds interesting, however, there's one problem: I've never blacked out. I'm not gonna list the amount Ive drank every time Ive gone out but i know Ive gotten to points where I should technically "black out" but I never do. I've had those nights where I don't remember completely a couple pockets of the night but that's about it. Is this something semi-common or do I just need to drink more?
A: Maybe my age is starting to wear on my mindset or some shit, but your gift of is in no way a curse. I can't tell you how many times blacking out has brought me physical and psychological pain.
I don't see any upside to blacking out. Seriously, I don't. Unless, of course, you consider waking up in the ER and having a nurse tell you the hilarious story about how a cab hit you and how the ambulance found you in the gutter "an upside." Or an even worse side-effect, like waking up knowing you had sex but not remembering even one goddamn detail of it. Now that's psychological fuckery. Well, actual psychological pain, maybe not. But it at least falls into the "real bummer" category.
Enjoy your gift. Prick.