WELCOME FUCKING BACK TO HOOKUP FUCKING HEROES.
It is my fault, David Covucci, that there haven’t been any in a little while. I skipped a week, which snowballed into two, and then I was like ehhh ‘Why bother?”
BUT, I like my job, and my boss has threatened to fire me if they don’t appear more regularly. So. Welcome back to Hookup Heroes! And remember, only you can submit Hookup Heroes.
If you don’t know what I mean by a 48-hour relationship (or whatever it is that you want to call it), then you’re missing out on some of the best weekends any young collegiate adult can have.The experience that comes from meeting a girl for the first time and spending the following 48 hours drinking, flirting, and ultimately having large amounts of sex with her is one that can only be reassured by the fact that once the weekend comes to an end, you can very easily go back to your everyday life. Having the experience of railing out a smoke at her New England state school, off-campus apartment, complete with stereotypical college decoration and paper-thin walls is one vastly different from other parts of the country, but uniquely enjoyable nonetheless.
A couple weekends ago, a close high school buddy of mine invited myself up to his large New Hampshire state school Spring Weekend to join in celebrating four years of self-diagnosed alcoholism and somehow pulling off good-enough grades to convince the school that you should receive a diploma. Friday rolls around and I suffer thru the ill-advised scheduling I left myself with, requiring me to go to two hours of class completely hungover from weekly Thursday night drinking. I stumble back to my apartment, manage to fill a backpack full of clothes I hope are presentable, stop for a coffee and a
breakfast sandwich and make the two-hour drive.
A good friend is someone who greets you with a beer. A great friend is someone who greets you with a beer ready to be shotgunned, a bong rip, and a rolled up $50 bill. We make our way a few blocks over to a day-drink already drawing police attention, a DJ confidently toying with Pioneer CDs and hundreds of students downing the finest of light beers. A few hours and several beers later, I’m walking aimlessly thru the crowd, stopping every so often to engage in conversation with a familiar face I know I had met months ago but forgotten their name due to drunkenness. I had visited this school enough times to have recognized and made acquaintances with dozens of people, and thru my limited network was I able to find out who the sexy dirty blonde with a wicked cute face and an amazing ass was that had been staring me down since I had arrived. With a near-careless attitude, realizing that my face was foreign to 90% of the people that surrounded me, I
made my approach and it was game on. Twenty minutes later, I walk away with a phone number and the knowledge that I had found a bed to sleep in made obvious by the flirty body language I had received. Shortly after, the cops make their entrance and clear the area with threats of pepper spray and arrests. We leave, grab a slice of pizza to soak up whatever alcohol we can, sniff thru some more fun powder and we’re ready to go for the night. Perfect.
A few hours later, I look across the room at the party we had walked to and spot the same cute-faced dirty blonde that I had met earlier and pick up right where I had left off. We’ll call her Maggie. Small talk and a few slightly-exaggerated brags later and we’re calling a cab and leaving the party to go back to her place. I pay the fee, grab her hand and tell her to direct me to her room. Immediately, candles are lit, clothes are off and I’m balls deep in what to date has been the hottest hookup I’ve ever had. The girls a freak, begging to be slapped, and riding like she’s about to win a million dollars in a bar’s bull-riding competition. Pierced nipples, lower back dermal piercings, and a few vivid tattoos outlined her sexy body. Skipping over the weighted details, we finish and I roll over to sleep.
Fast forward to 9 a.m. with morning wood standing at attention and Maggie sucking harder than my soldier has ever felt before. After an amazing morning blow job, I have my buddy pick me up, go grab breakfast to soak up some of the hangover I was struggling thru and prepare for another day ahead full of day drinking and dancing. The DJs set up and start pumping out old school jammers. College kids representing all four years started overflowing the backyard and the party is going
again. Couple shots of Jack, and a line or two, and the shampoo effect kicks in (if you don’t know what the shampoo effect is, look it up, great term [Ed. Note: residual drug or alcohol phenomonon in which, during a period after a heavy binge, only a small amount of the recently-abused substance is needed to re-activate your buzz.). I receive a text from Maggie that she will be at the day drink that I am already partying at shortly. With a stage full of girls thinking they can dance, and hundreds of college kids drunkenly enjoying their Spring Weekend, the party continues for a solid 3-4 hours before the police come again, with megaphones and cans of pepper spray.
My buddy’s room overlooks the backyard where all of the kids are gathered; I take Maggie with me to his room and we watch out the window, mocking the conversations we imagine certain groups of people are having. I look at Maggie and she whispers, “Quickie?”. Our clothes are off and we both watch the kids file out of the backyard, as I start going at her from. We finish just as the cops parade in causing hundreds of kids to clear the backyard. We find our clothes, quickly rearrange what we had disturbed in the room and Maggie goes back to find her friends as I go out to help my buddy clear the remaining lingerers.
A few hours later, more booze and blow consumed, we find ourselves at a party packed with kids who are still rallying from earlier in the day. I see Maggie, take her to an upstairs bedroom and lock the door. She proceeds to give me more amazing head, I blow a line off her tits and we make our way back down to the party. Two a,m, rolls around and we’re both exhausted, trashed and wanting to leave. We walk 10 minutes back to her apartment and go at it again before we pass out. I wake up, hop in the shower with her, and she drives me back to my buddy’s place. Trying to determine whether I was hungover or still drunk, or both, I rip a bong and pass out for another couple hours before waking up to attempt the two-hour drive home.
For whatever reason, I’ve managed to visit several other colleges over my four years at school, but none lived up to this weekend. The day drinking scene was great, the sex was amazing, and the experience was incomparable. Looking back at it, I wish I could relive the past four years. To all the underclassmen, enjoy it while it lasts, and stay in school as long as you can. To all my fellow seniors graduating in the next couple weeks, congratulations and good luck in the real world.
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[Coke Bro via Shutterstock]