I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not fond of my current station in life (Do you like entry-level pay and receding hairlines?). Dating is particularly painful. Blink-182 said it best; nobody likes you when you’re 23. Whether it’s the compulsory bottle service or feigning interest about her promising career in homemade jewelry, I’m always at a loss. My heart (and penis) longs for a simpler time where getting ass didn’t depend on your tightness with the doorman or your cache of benzodiazepines. Without further ado, in chronological order, I present the 7 classic hook up spots.
7. The Movies
The Middle School classic. I’ve met bros from Burbank to Boca and despite our many differences, we all have one thing in common: everyone used to hookup at the local cinema. It was the first time away from the prying eyes of parents. You got dropped off at 7, picked up at 10 and hopefully, fingered someone in between. Truth be told, I do not know a single plotline to a film from 2000-2003. What happens to Mandy Moore at the end of A Walk to Remember? Beats me, I was trying to round 2nd base.
Traditionally, Jews mark the transition from boyhood to manhood with a Bar-Mitzvah celebration. Meanwhile, everyone knows that he is not really a man until he gets his first handy at sleepaway camp. Though not exclusively Jewish, it seems that if your last name ends in a –stein or a –man, you no doubt participated in a raid; a midnight blitzkrieg on the girls’ bunks in search of ass and perhaps their stashed Cup-of-Noodles. Oy Vey, indeed.
5. The Woods
A favorite among country bros. Simply put, there are no laws in the wild. Kegs of Bud Light, cigarettes, and even some small fireworks created the perfect environment for young romance. Twigs crackling under bootsteps. Rascal Flatts’ soft echo. The only people watching your awkward bra-unhooking technique were the raccoons. Ah, nature.
4. The Beach
Same deal as the woods, but this time for Coasties. Bros under blankets trying to get their “O.C.” on. Throw in a bonfire and an acoustic guitar and you’ll be giving the business under one of those big-ass lifeguard stands in no time. Watch out for sand though, worse than any STD I’ve ever had.
3. House Party
It requires a special skill set to take an underclassmen’s virginity while some dude about to puke is banging on the bathroom door. Getting ass at a house party was like competing in an Immunity Challenge on Survivor; can you manage to cop dome before the inevitable bust by the cops? If so, you’ll be granted the Golden Solo Cup and a chance to advance to next week’s challenge at Farber’s house (His parents are going to Aruba for the weekend!).
Side note: In every “High School” movie from the 90s, during the house party scene, there was always a band playing in the living room. Who ever went to parties like this?!?
2. The Car
My senior year sex mix was undeniable. Ignition remix, Goo Goo Dolls, and of course, Sussudio by Phil Collins. Nothing was more crucial to the success of my last year in high school than the mobile bachelor pad. Many a night was spent parked in a cul-de-sac, trying to convince a girl to bone because we’d be off to college soon (where such activities never happen). I remember one time I was getting road head and she hit the gear shifter into reverse. We ended up on Matt Loeb’s lawn. I never liked him.
1. Spring Break
The Bahamas, Cancun, and The Dominican Republic all share the same primary import: American v-cards. If you still hadn’t managed to smash by April, here was your last chance before college. Cue “One Shining Moment”. Who knew that yardstick from Señor Frog’s were the ultimate aphrodisiac? When I get married, I’m proposing with an all-inclusive wristband.
That sums up the 7 classic hookup spots. Got any others? Share ‘em in the comments section.
Krum is a NYC based comdian and you can follow him on Twitter @KrumLifeDotCom