Q: Today I was told about something unsettling from an ex-girlfriend. She informed me that I was on something called LuLu. After a little research I was able to grasp the point of the site. A sense of role reversal set it. Men judge openly and often, looking women on Tinder and whatnot, but for the first time I was some picture on a site being judged. Now, I do not mind girls passing on to one another my bedroom heroics or my ability cook. My question is that if you see a guy's profile on LuLu do you take all the reviews with a grain of salt? After all the reviews could be from exes in the past. Also do you think it could boost a guy's “stock” at college?
A: Apparently the ticker on my trendometer was broken, as this “Lulu” situation simply wasn't on my radar. I've now educated myself via some google research, and have emerged on the other side a more…enlightened woman. You boys do keep me young, even if it is by shining light on more smut trash bullshit media to occupy the extra space in my brain. Either way I'm amused, and as far as affecting your stock goes, I definitely think it'll have an impact. Since when do girls take anything with a grain of salt? Think about it. If you're a dickhead, you're probably fucked. When your actions mix with social media, it's called modern-day karma. Or something like that. Maybe this will be a positive thing for the male race, and will push them to behave a little less like animals. Or maybe not. But I do think that girls will take feedback at face value, so if you're concerned, start making some changes. On the flipside, if you're a great cook/lay/guitar player…you're booty call list is probably about to blow up.
Q: Would you rather have your future husband have untreatable E.D., or a 3-incher (full-tilt) and could only last 5 minutes max?
A: Let me preface my response with the fact that no–I repeat, NO–husband of mine will ever have either of those #dickproblems. Period. That said, if push came to flaccid shove, I'd be forced to go with the E.D.- I'd just throw some fuckin Viagra at the situation and pretend like I never knew about it. Dicknorance is bliss. Yeah. Scratch that one down in your notebook. Unfortunately for jizz-too-quick guy, there really aren't many solutions for his shortcummings.
Don't worry, I'll be here all fuckin' week.
I guess you could resort to numbing condoms or one of those cock ring things but nobody wants that, so I'm sticking with my original answer as the only option.
Q: My friend and I keep debating a question that I hope you can settle for us once and for all. Is it worse to be the slutty chick every bro will bang but no bro wants to have a relationship with, or to be the friendzoned/seen as a”little sis” type girl who can't even get a bro to bang her?
A: Honored to be the chosen judge in this court of sluttiness. And as a side note, also really appreciating the cliffnotes version of your usual questions this week. It's all about getting to the fucking point people. Now; although I can't speak from personal experience on either of these polarizing skank vs. asexual fronts, I'm of the belief that it's NEVER good to be “that slut every bro has banged”; even if the alternative is not getting banged at all. It probably sucks to be a non-sexual chick amogst bros for a few years. But its definitely better than treating various STD's and living down a shameful reputation indefinitely. As the “little sis” you actually have an advantage in that you still have the chance to bloom and surface as an unexpected flower of sexual interest down the road. If you skank it up from the get-go, you're putting an immediate spoiler alert on what could be an enviable level of sexual empowerment and mystery. Use your wits and god damnit girls, have a little self-respect. As long as you got the pussy, you got the power– and don't you fucking forget it.
Q: Say you've got an ex who really screwed up somehow and disappointed you. But now he's trying his damnedest to make it up to you because he still loves you, and you're really not over him. Is it more mature to let him go, or to not be afraid to give him a second chance?
A: Fool me once, shame on you. You know how the rest goes. Of course its technically “more mature” to give him the boot, but circumstances differ and if you're willing to take the potential hit, then give him another shot. In the interest of laying on more trite romance-related fables, I also must add that old dogs never die. For you, slow kid in the corner, that means he'll probably do it again. Maybe lock your chastity belt up a little tighter before granting him full access back into your vaginal wonderland to see how bad he really wants it.
Q: I graduated college about 8 months ago and have been working since. I met a girl about four months ago who is 28 years old and lives in the city- she's 5 years older than me but is into me. She's super sexy and things have been going well. She made me wait two months of dating to fuck her, and in four months of dating, I actually am starting to like her which I didn't expect.
My question is who brings up the “where the fuck are we” question? I don't want to ask her what we are or if she wants to be exclusive because that gives her all the power. Plus, I'm 5 years younger than her so I don't know if she is looking to date someone that much younger. She openly posts on Facebook that she goes out on dates with other men (her status the other day had something along the lines of “terrible first date”). So I don't know what to think. How do I approach the “where are we situation” without losing all power in this little game that we play..?
A: The answer to where you are– and I mean this in the least existential way possible– is nowhere. Seriously. This bitch is in the drivers seat; and you're in the backseat…sitting in a child's carseat…getting bitch-slapped intermittently for talking out of hand. You're getting played like a fucking flute and essentially have no say in the situation. Not only is she dating other dudes–she's actively publicizing it where all of her friends, and you, can see and comment on it. Just imagine what she says about you in slightly less public forums– her college boy plaything who thinks he's dating her…it stings.
Frankly, I gotta give it up to this bitch. Double peace signs in the air, raising that shit for girl power. But since I'm here to talk you through your side of things, I'll tell you that you've gotta remove yourself–and the very, very small shred of dignity you have remaining– from this emotional thrashing immediately. Its embarassing to the point that you're giving me secondhand embarrassment; and I don't even know you. Next time, maybe don't aim so high. I know it hurts to hear, but there's a big difference between a 22-year-old dude in the sack and a 28-year-old man in his penthouse bed. Remove the cougar from your life and try for 25 and under in order to gain back a little confidence.
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