Life
by J. Camm on February 5, 2013

Q: Got myself into a pickle. Hooked up with two girls (call them Amy and Jess) at a party a few days ago, got their numbers, banged Amy yesterday. Today I was playing Black Ops with my boys and figured I’d try to set something up for the night. Texted Jess to see what’s up, she had plans so mid-game I skimmed the text and said “ok I still wanna see you so text me tomorrow.” When I re-read it, my boys agreed it sounded desperate, even though it was an offhanded comment. No response from Jess. Texted Amy to see what’s up and similar scenario, wound up sending the last text, a dull one, no response. So where do I go from here? Just call it quits and lay low for a while or work back into it?

A: There are four potential reasons why these girls have stopped responding to your correspondence:

1. Those plans Jess had were with a guy she wants to fuck more than you.

2. Both see you as a guy only worthy of a drunk, worst-case-scenario hook up.

3. Amy and Jess are friends, they realized what you’re up to, and most girls aren’t looking to sleep with the same guy their friend just did. Chicks often think that’s gross. Losers.

4. Amy isn’t replying because, although you had sex with her, you fucked her like dog-shit and you’re not good-looking enough to overcome the fact that you are A) horrible in bed or B) have a dick the size of a soybean.

Point is this: Girls are easier to understand than we think and they are not going to stop responding unless they really are uninterested in moving forward with us. Fire off a few more texts and if you get nothing worthwhile in return, move on. 

Q: You have 24 hours to complete 4 different tasks; run, eat donuts, drink beers, and achieve orgasms. The catch is, you have to do these in some combination of 6, 12, 18, and 24 times in the allotted 24 hours. So drink 6 beers, run 12 miles, ect.

How would you complete it, and why?

A: Real thought provoking shit here. Let's get right to it. 

Six: Orgasms. Call me inadequate, crazy, a dirty son of a bitch, whatever, but there is no way I’m milking myself 24, or 18, or even 12 times in a single day. Not at this point in my life, anyway. Hell, six fap seshes is still more than my personal ejaculatory best; I never had the time or desire to whack off till I jizzed blood.

Twelve: Run. Hmm…the thought of running twelve miles just made me want to jizz blood. BUT I HAVE AN IDEA! I’ll break the running up into six, two-mile sessions AND it will be done in the first six hours of my day. Taking breaks in between to roughhouse my dick twice and to…

Twenty-Four: EAT DONUTS! Krispy Kreme donuts lack density; they are light and airy – to describe them like a woman discussing her dream bathroom on “House Hunters.” Eating two-dozen donuts in 24 hours is child’s play.

Eighteen: Beer. I won’t start drinking beer until I’m done running. (Prudent, I know.) That leaves me with a pace of one brew every hour to wash down the rest of my donuts and make me exceedingly more horny to rape myself four more times.

Boom. Solved.

If anyone has a better idea (fuckin' doubt it) of how to complete the BRO’D gauntlet (Beer, Run, Orgasm, Donut), leave it in the comments.

Q: Would you let a girl eat your ass out?

A: No. If anyone’s asshole is going to be breached it’s going to be the chicks and it certainly isn’t going to be with my tongue. I just slide it in dry, the way God intended.

Other dudes may have a rich affinity for getting a RIM JAWB, but I honestly don’t think I could sit through it, even if I hated the girl and just wanted to her to munch my butt so I could call her Asshole Eater for the rest of eternity. I still couldn’t do it. And that sickens me, because I like to defile people’s good reputation in such ways.

Maybe I’m weird. No. I’m definitely weird, but I have some internal malfunction — that only doesn’t apply to my dick — whereby I don’t trust anyone going near my asshole or balls. I’m talking no tolerance whatsoever. I’m not gay, so that explains why I have no desire for ANYTHING to go up, around, or in my shit mill, but even my ballbag, I can’t bring myself to trust even the people I trust around my balls and I don’t know why. For instance, I went for a yearly, routine physical last week and when it came time to check my nuts for lumps and other abnormalities, my doctor almost left with a black eye. I pulled away halfway through and was about to ask the savage if he had testicles himself; guy was griping the shit out of them, like he was squeezing a lemon into his drink. 

Q: Say you're 5’ 6,” would you rather add four inches to your height or 3 inches to your dick?

A:  Look at you, suggesting that every dude who is 5’ 6” (or shorter) has a tiny dick. That's the kind of blind ignorance that makes this country great. I love it!

Even if you needed the extra length, you have to take the inches in height. Being 5’ 6” with an absolute doozy of a cock is still worse than being 5’ 10” with a tiny dick. A dick you can hide, your height you cannot. Chicks definitely discriminate against height, too, but they will still hook up with a dude who has a perilously small pecker, because they can’t see it until it’s too late. 

If you need another reason to choose height over length, consider the terrible shoe purchases short dudes have to make to compensate for their height. Famous dudes are the worst at this. You hear that, Bono? EVERYONE KNOWS YOU’RE WEARING PLATFORM SHOES.

Also, for your own edification, height doesn’t determine the size of ones dick. The dude that owns the world’s largest penis is only 5' 9.” Remember him? Tough to forget that son of a bitch. Goddamn braggart even claimed he used to suck his own cock. Weirdo. Cock-sucker, really. 

Q: Do you eat your Mac and Cheese with a spoon or a fork? And do you go ketchup or no ketchup?

A: Is anyone watching? Am I in a nice restaurant? I ask because when no one is watching I’ve been known to eat one step above how a rabid animal eats. So of course I go for the spoon, really shove that Velveeta into my face all expeditious and shit.

And ketchup? Fuck. No.

Q: This isn't exactly a life-advice question, but have ya'll considered making a mobile app? I think it would be very helpful for bros on the go.

A: Short answer: We have.

Long answer: We have but have yet to act on those considerations, because mouth breathing. 

Q: You meet Casey Anthony at a bar. You know who she is, she looks like this, totally different from what she looked like in the case. Do you bang?

A: It’s been well over a year since Casey Anthony got off for killing her daughter. In that time, you know some scoundrel has fucked the snot out of her and didn't even bat an eye over it. Now, there's a guy who recognizes, even if she did it the first time, she will never kill again because there's no way a jury would let her walk twice. Hell, I bet he even raw dogged her and left the entirety of his load inside he murderous twat, knowing that she'd never allow herself to have a kid again. That's the sexual equivalent of committing the perfect crime. So yeah, it would take an act of God for me not to fuck her. 

Follow me on Twitter @JCamm_ and submit your Ask a Bro questions here

[Hot girl texting image via ShutterStock]

J. Camm

About J. Camm...

J. Camm is the Managing Editor of BroBible. He is a graduate of the University of Miami thanks mostly in part to a world-class short-term memory. When not writing drivel on the Internet, J.Camm enjoys golf and the inexplicable satisfaction that comes with forgetting a person's name the exact instant he meets them.

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