Now, to preface, we mean Valentine’s Day here from the perspective of a person in an official relationship. If you’re just casually throwing down on some semi-regular, label-less loose meat or simply trolling the taverns for any offered-up orifices, relax and relish in your lack of expectations. Singles, the odds are ever in your favor on February 14th—most of the other singles out there don’t want to spend it alone and a lot are willing to look past a creepy soul patch, a pan face, or a rancidly-meaty body odor in order to sidestep loneliness for the night.
On the contrary, people in relationships are subjected to a certain amount of accountability on this day of hearts, candy, and naked winged babies. There’s a bare minimum, and it’s different for every couple. Some are content with simply putting on pants for the delivery guy while others demand an entire production with non-boxed wine and non-costume jewelry for each meaningless milestone. Whatever your situation, be it a high-maintenance biddy or just a best friend who you wriggle your dong around in, there’s always a ploy, or combination of ploys, to minimize your spending on Valentine’s Day.
Zero Dollars: Make a pact in the name of pseudo-thoughtfulness with your lady that you two aren’t allowed to spend any money on each other this year. Keep your fat stack of buku bucks for the important things in life, like breakfast sandwiches, limited-edition beers, and excursions to Dave & Buster’s. Meanwhile, scour or create something for her. There’s the option of stealing a small frame from the store, jamming a halfway-decent photo of you two in it, and saying you made it. You could always garbage pick a piece of furniture, hose the spiders off, and slap a bow on it. And, if you really need to, a last ditch effort is to make her coupons for things that you’d probably already do. You know, stuff like backrubs, movie nights, and marathon cunnilingus sessions where you’re down so deep that you need to pace ensuing your ascent to avoid getting what scuba divers term “the bends”.
February 15th: Fabricate an excuse for the entire day of the fourteenth, but make a promise to celebrate on the fifteenth. Pick up a shift that night, stage an intervention, knock off some mandatory community service hours, just commit to an in-arguable excuse that’s believable. Then, wake up on the fifteenth and buy all of your cards, flowers, and love confections at the clearance price and have the same Valentine’s Day a day later for a fraction of the cost. Others may scoff; they’ll chastise you with anti-Semitic stereotypes and terms like “cheap”, “thrifty”, and “frugal-buttmunch” when, really, deep down they’re just jealous they got hustled by the Valentine’s Day racket for another year.
Night In: Under the guise of saying to don’t want a “big public showing” suggest a pants-optional night in. Take out is generally cheaper than a fancy restaurant, plus you don’t have to fell compelled to tip and it can be eaten on the couch. Netflix is far more inexpensive than movie tickets and can be paused if a sudden, overwhelming urge to pleasure one another unexpectedly arises. Plus, with staying in, you don’t have to fret over the anxiety evoked by knowing you’ll have to dump in a public bathroom while you’re wearing nice clothes. Think about it, pajamas, pizza, and penetration beats pricey, the public, and pretentiousness every time, every years.
Hold on to your money; a penny saved is a penny closer to not having to work anymore.
Justin Gawel is an adult baby from Michigan whose articles appear on BroBible most Thursdays. Look for more of his writing, his BroBible.com archive, and his updates at www.justingawel.com or follow him @justingawel on Twitter.