Where the hell are all the big-swinging-dick, Memorial Day tales of male whoredom I asked for? PLEASE send them in. In fact, submit them here, now.

It was my sophomore year of college, and I hadn't quite been slaying ladies like I had always hoped I would in college. My college bucket list still had a lot of items to be checked off. So when I was getting a girl back to my room I made it count. It was spring semester and I had been getting wasted at a party, I wasn't feeling the ladies there so I headed home and on the way I decided to hit up a booty call. She was equally wasted and we decided to meet on campus and head back to my dorm to do the dirty.

Realizing I might not get another opportunity in the near future, I suggested that we find a place on campus to have sex. She was nervous and said she didn't want to be too out in the open. I suggested an outdoor stairwell heading into the basement of the gym on campus. She agrees and we start going at it. All of a sudden her eyes get really wide and I turn my head to see what she is looking at. To my surprise there is a guy in a hoodie leaning over the railing of the staircase watching us. When the person realizes we've seen him, he starts to run off. She throws me off of her runs up the stairs and sprints off into the night, meanwhile I sprint up the stairs pants around my ankles and try to chase the guy for about a quarter mile. Obviously he outruns me and I stumble back to my dorm empty handed. When I make it back to my dorm I open up the door and my booty call is naked in my bed. My suite mate had let her in, and she explains that she thought it was a policeman, which is why she ran off. We had great just-got-caught-in-public sex and life was good.

NEXT!

In the spring of my sophomore year we had a frat party. This party was the unofficial celebration of a Greek event we had participated in. The sorority which we were paired with was in full attendance. I had a part in the play, and being the druggie I am I decided to celebrate by taking a whole bunch of real good ecstasy.

So, there was this chick in the sorority whom I met through the various practice sessions we had, and apparently she was real into me. I hadn’t really put in the effort to slam her at this point because well, I’m a lazy bastard. I started by drinking copious amounts of alcohol, soon enough my druggie mind kicked into gear. F*ck it, it’s time to take some E. I throw down a pill then rail a few lines of molly with my boys. Within twenty minutes I’m rolling nuts. At the top of my peak I go lay down on the back patio of the frat house. Some fine b*tches from the sorority come up and ask me while laughing, “What are you doing laying down.” I simply reply, “I am rolling my dick off.” They giggle like the b*tches they are and promptly, to my surprise, start rubbing all up and down my body. I close my eyes. This sensation feels f*cking fantastic. I mean sh*t I’m laying down amid a poppin’ party, and these b*tches just can’t get enough of my sexy ass. After I start to plateau I decide that I need to lay waste to some vag. I scope out the party and find the b*tch that wants this dick. I approach her and since I’m rolling face the game comes easy.

Before I know it we are both in my room, undressed, ready to f*ck. Mind you, at this point I’d never laid rail while rolling so I was pretty ecstatic. For those of who don’t know, you can f*ck for decades on the stuff. I throw her on my bed and we start going to town. I flip her around, tag her front, back, I even f*cked her sideways, and called her Sally. I sh*t you not I f*cked this b*tch for a solid two hours, bareback, and no breaks. I get her to cum, I bust my load, and then we proceed to rejoin the party. I finish the night off by getting drunk as f*ck with a grin on my face all the while, and passing out.

A few days later I receive a text. It states vaguely, "So I went to the gynecologist today…” My mind starts doing twists and turns. Like, what the f*ck? Does this slut have an STD? If so I will literally sh*t a brick. I text back trying to not sound concerned, “I’m not sure I quite understand you.” She says we should meet up and have lunch. I am so f*cked; this sh*t has to be serious. I meet her to eat and after some small talk I bring up the subject, “So what’s this about the gynecologist?” Her face turns red and she looks at the table as she says embarrassingly, “Well I’ve never had sex that long before and...” she trails off. And I reply, getting impatient with her silly ass. “Well, my gynecologist says we had intercourse so long I got a yeast infection.” I can’t hold back, I burst into laughter. Crisis averted, to live another day, and thanks be to Almighty God above.

This final one was from last week's post which we had to pull down because of an error.

Maybe my weirdest and most repeated story I have comes from my junior year of high school in mid hockey season. I had just broken up with my girlfriend so I was in search of a good lay, and it just so happens one of my teammates was taking a break with his, let’s call him Mike. She was a nice, cute girl, tall with great legs and not to mention she was stacked in the breast department, she can be called Lilly. Her and I had been friends for a long time but as of late, unbeknownst to Mike, her and I had been meeting in back hallways of the school to sneak some kisses and get a glimpse of her chest cannons.

So the night before a game the coach leaves the locker room telling us to take it easy because tomorrow was game day, since my back-up tender was playing I wasn’t too worried about it, but just as I am about to leave Mike comes up to me and tells me that he knows my best bro had been talking to Lilly and he wanted to make sure that they don’t hang out tonight. Easy enough, I told him I wouldn’t let it happen. Not an hour later was I picking up Lilly to come over to my place. Both parents gone and sister sleeping on the top floor we had the whole basement to ourselves.

Both of us knew what was going to go down so there wasn’t any hesitation. I flicked on the TV so there was some background noise but we are quickly disrobed and going at it. I started noticing things were funny whenever I went to give her a little fun she would push my hands away, but every time she did that she went harder on my dick so I really wasn’t complaining. Soon enough I whip out a rubber and give her a little nod, which she returned with a smile and laid back waiting for it. I get it on and go to stick in her but start having trouble. It wouldn’t go in.

Now I am humble, I’m not walking around with a hammer in my shorts but I’m not lacking either, but I had been with girls who were too tight to fit before and this seemed totally different.

I knew Mike and her had f*cked before so she was tight and holding her v-card so I was stumped. I kept trying but it literally just seemed like there was nowhere to go. It was like the goldmine had an entrance but no mine behind it. After a bit of fooling around with it Lilly asked me what I was doing, which rattled me a bit, but I was still didn’t want to ruin everything so I said nothing.

So we go back to the same fooling around we had been before and she was sucking me down like a champ, as I alerted her that there would be a mess pretty soon she crawls up onto me and starts working my tool with her hand and kissing into my neck, I swear she could have gone pro. But she slowly worked her way up and whispered into my ear, “I love you.” Woah, F*ck. Red flag.

I just got out of a relationship and as fun as this was, definitely not trying to get involved. So my mind starts racing, I can’t say I love you back because that would be dumb as sh*t. So after what was a few seconds but felt like hours the words, “this is fun” stumbled out of my mouth. I could only think to myself, “nice save, dumbass.”

But soon enough I blast my load and she is kind enough to let it just cover her sweater puppies. We made-out for a bit more than got cleaned up and I brought her home, as I got back to my place I started to realize how ridiculous the situation had been, between my idiotic response, to her literally not being able to take my d*ck I just shook my head and figured I should let it cool down and didn’t talk to her for about a month.

She is also the reason why I always say .5 after the number of girls I’ve laid.

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