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What Does It Mean When You Can’t Get Off in 45 Minutes? Plus Other Advice

By / 08.28.13

Q: I need help with this mind fuck of a girl. I started talking to her over the summer and things were good, but then I saw her at the bar and she acted really weird. Her friends told me she was “awkward” and that I needed to stick with it so I kept talking to her. Then a few nights after texting her a good amount (and her calling me at 3 a.m.), I saw her and she did the same thing except she started talking to another guy and flirting with him, so I tried to talk to her but she just walked away. WHAT the fuck is going on?!?

 

A: So homegirl was interested in you at some point; that we know. But now the game is over: you're old news, and she's moving onto the next best, (less desperate) thing. Her friends may have described her as awkward, but I see it as a decent descriptive for disinterested, otherwise engaged… or disinterested. The girl is into the game and is done playing yours; unless you switch the ball to be in your court.

It's time for you to become the disinterested party—or at least appear to be. If she's still interested you'll know right away, and if she's not, you'll also notice that. Give your brain a break. Stop allowing it get to fucked repeatedly. Play it cool, and if she doesn't take the bait… let it go.

Q: Hey Babe, so I have this problem where I can pretty much only finish when a girl is performing oral on me- and even then you gotta put some time in. Rarely am I with someone who can get it just right, and when they do manage, it only happens at about 45 mins in. For as long as I've been having sex I've just been faking an orgasm when I wear a dome because chicks get all depressed when I don't blow my load. My question is should I tell a chick my situation from the start and just get her to suck me off at the end, or should I continue faking orgasms to prevent more women from leaving my house with raw vaginas?

I'm open to new ideas as well.

 

A: 45 minute-long blowjobs and raw vaginas are indeed a terrible combination. (Seriously? 45 minutes? Kudos to that prostitute for her perserverance.)

I would recommend not starting off the hookup with such a blow (my puns r 2 die 4), but rather subtly bringing it up in a non-offensive manner part of the way through. After she's put in a valiant effort, let her down gently by telling her it's probably not going to happen—and that it's not her, it's you.

This will either send her into a whirl of determination where she develops lock jaw trying to get you off… or the opposite situation, where she becomes immediately defeated and withdraws from your nether regions altogether. Not an ideal gamble, but so it goes.

In spite of all of this, you could definitely use some added finesse in regards to your general approach to the situation. Thinking girls actually get depressed over your lack of jizz is a humongous exaggeration. Last time I visited my doctor, I didn't notice any “cum Prozac” posters on the wall.

(“Does your partner never come? Are you frustrated by his lack of jizz? Ask your doctor about cum Prozac today.” Yes… yes, that's rich.)

Finally don't make your problem her problem. Requesting that she blow you after a labor intensive hour of you being inside her is relatively unfair, especially since it probably won't get you off in the end anyways.

Ultimately your situation isn't wholly unusual. More than likely your chick has dealt with this before and your case isn't going to send her running.

Q: I am Asian and I have a small penis. I am not joking, and I feel seriously insecure about this. One time at this party, this cute drunk girl offered to give me a blowjob so we went to a room and she unzipped my pants, but her following expression was like that of a Chinese mom who finds out her son got rejected from all Ivy league schools.
She ended up just giving me a handjob using two fingers.

I researched on getting dick-lengthening surgery but saw that it had severe side effects, so that is out of the picture. What can I do about this, do you have any suggestions?

 

A: Well. Between 45-minute blowjobs to 2-finger handjobs I've officially lost my appetite for that polish kielbasa I was preparing for dinner.

This is a lot to handle. Or very little to handle, in the case of the latter situation, but a stressful transition no less.

As for dick-lengthening surgery…WHAAAA???? I understand that desperate times call for desperate measures, but: You can't be serious, right? All I can say is, don't. Just. Don't. Fucking. Go there.

I am well aware that a tiny dick can feel like a huge handicap, but there really is nothing that can be done about it. You have to own it. Unless you decide to have it removed and start taking hormones in an effort to transform into a woman, that thing is going to be attached to you for the rest of your life. Small as it may be, it's there for the longhaul… so love it.

Love yourself for who you are; and take the awkwardness of the 2-finger HJ in stride.

Q: WHAT does the age-old phrase “If I'm still single when I'm thirty, I want you to marry me” mean? A chick said it to me recently. Does that mean she is trying to subtly flirt, or am I in the friend zone?? Thanks in advance Ask-A-Babe, Babe

 

A: Translated from Girl, this statement means, “I think way too highly of myself to date you right now; I'm out of your league and it just won't happen. In fact, I can guarantee that it won't happen even over the course of  the next ten years. Except maybe if I'm really blacked out. But if by the time I'm 30 years old I haven't met Prince Charming, am washed up, and feeling extremely desperate and vulnerable… I'll consider allowing you to be with me. Because I know you'll still be waiting.”

In short. F-R-I-E-N-D, Zone.

Hard to hear, I know. But it's best we straighten these things out early in order to prevent you from spending any more time in the toolshed.

If you're trying to expedite the process and actually just want to get in her pants rather than put a ring on her finger, you could push the topic. Put forward the highly flirtatious, “Why do I have to wait so long?” vibes, and see if she bites. She might become strangely flattered and intrigued, and forget she ever claimed you were exiled from her panties for the next ten years.


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