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Can an Open Relationship Really Ever Work? Plus 20-Years Later Are You On Team Biggie or Tupac?

By / 05.23.13

Q: Today my girlfriend of 6 months and I “broke-up” and became an open relationship. The idea of this is that because we still have feelings for each other, this will be a step we take to distance ourselves from each other because we'll be going to different schools in the fall. So what I'm asking is now that we're “broken-up”, is it a complete dick move to hook up with other girls right away? Will this totally hurt her feelings? Should I wait for a certain amount of time? I really do like this girl, but I'm ready to move on, so what do I do?

A: Open relationships are bullshit, and someone is bound to get hurt.

If you wanna know how I feel on the topic.

If you're ready to move on then just fucking do it, and don't half-ass it. Sever that tie completely. Under no (okay, very rare) circumstances should you be going to college in a long-distance relationship in the first place. Take it from someone who did it, and then regretted it daily for the six months as I tried to weasel my way back out of it.

You guys have only been dating for six months, and you're going to COLLEGE. Spare yourself the time and agony of the learning curve and listen to my advice when I tell you that another six months from now, when you're holding a girls legs over a kegstand, you're not even going to remember your exes name.

Q: What's the policy on keeping photos of you with your ex once your break up? Do you delete most and keep some for the memories? Delete all so as to not annoy future gfs/bfs? Or should one live there own life and leave them all up?

A: In this day and age there's really no hope of covering your past…like, at all. Since you subscribe to a website that douments on a literal timeline everything thats occured in your life since the day you were born, your privacy is essentially fucked. So I say, don't waste your time. 

In terms of visible memorabia a la framed couple shots or the love orchid she purchased for you, you have a grace period of about two weeks to clear everything into the junk drawer/trash. That shit sort of does have to go. If she's still in your profile picture I'd go ahead and change that pretty immediately, but as far as tagged pictures/albums go, there's not a whole hell of a lot of damage you can do that. And frankly if she's hot, it'll help maintain your stock value in future conquests. Alright I'm done talking like a fucking Internet nerd now. Next.

Q: O great babe, please help a young bro on his quest for the most sexual conquests. Over my first year in college I have hooked up with a number of girls, but something seems to be in the way of the “next step.” And no I do not mean relationships. What sets apart a guy a girl would make out with and the man whose room they go back to?

A: Possible reasons for your conundrum are as follows:

1. Your (in)ability to close the deal; you have the skill to open the conversation and even pique interest, but when it comes time to make the final move, your charm and persistence just don't cut it.

2. Your wandering eye: while talking to or making out with one girl, you're prowling with one eye open over her shoulder to scope potential other babes. Girls can recognize when you're doing this, and that's a total fucking turnoff.

3: You're just “cute”; You're sweet and attractive enough that she'll give in to a DFMO when shes on the verge of blackout, but you are NOT that guy she was initially trying to go home with. I'm not saying buy a mototrcycle or start a fistfight but work on your mystere and street cred, and don't spend as much time in the corner letting drunk girls cry on your should about their ex.

4: You're creeper status: By virtue of your regular prowling/touchy/weird habits, you've established a reputation for yourself as “that creeper”. Yikes. Lay low for a bit, and maybe focus on one target rather than any girl willing to make eye contact with you.

Q: So I was in a relationship with this girl and after a little more than a month she says that we're not relationship material and should be friends. Ouch, since I disagreed but if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Since she was the one who just wants to be friends, is it out of line to eventually try to date her best friend? I'd say yes if I broke it off but it was her who wanted to be friends.

A: it's not unusual to find yourself attracted to someone close to a former lover. You share interests and friends and other convenient shit like that, but it doesn't mean the actual act of dating will be easy or convenient. Because well, it won't.

I know it's a tempting move, and I won't say a secret impromptu one-night rendezvous is out of the question– though it's also not without consequence– but all in all it's best not to further complicate what, by virtue of being a relationship, is already a complicated situation.

Q: Whats your opinion on guys with a sling? I tore my rotator cuff and am having surgery this week. I will be in a sling for 6 weeks but I still plan on going out when I am up for it. So how do girls view a guy a at a party/bar with a sling on? Positive, negative, curious?

A: Listen wounded soldier, you can't help being injured. And thankfully for you it's a short-term, recoverable wound that impedes very little aside from a temporary inability to properly pick a girl up and throw her around. Nobody's gonna hold that against you. In some sense it's endearing, and probably gives girls an open opportunity to ask, “zomgg, what happened to you? You poooor baby. Let me help heal you.”

To which you might respond, “Oh it's nothing…I was just rescuing an infant from a burning building and hurt my arm a little when jumping from the fourth floor window with her in my secure grasp.”

Okay, so I might've taken that one a little far, but regardless, don't worry about your ace bandage salting your game. Pretty sure you're in the clear.

Q: If you had to pick one gang to be affiliated with in the Biggie/Tupac 90's feud era, which side would you choose and why?

A: Great fucking question- thought-provoking without being too serious.

I've got alliances toward music on both coasts; Tupac and Biggie were moguls in their own way and you just gotta respect the influence they had. But when push comes to shove its the BIG.

He's the cooler, slightly less violent and not as physically blessed version of the two, and just a fucking boss.

Stereotypes of a black male misunderstood; and it's still all good.

But even though there is something to be said for living on forever via lifesize projections at Coachella and screen printed tees of your face across the front of gangsters/hipsters everywhere…for all intents and purposes I would've preferred a little neutrality so as to avoid an early death and therefore would choose to switch places with Snoop (then Dogg, now Lion). Church.

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[Open Relationship image via ShutterStock]


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