Life
by Fitz E Fresh on February 13, 2013

Q: Why is wanting anal such a bad thing? All my friends who are girls think I'm gross. But, it's great. How can I convince them?

A: Whoa whoa whoa; lets not get on the offensive here, breau; nobody said it was a bad thing.

However, nobody really said it was great either; except you, the dude. Go fucking figure. Of course I don't fault you for these sentiments, having a dick and whatnot. I'm sure it feels awesome for you. And I don't think you're gross– I just think you're failing to see things from both sides. For most girls, anal just doesn't feel good. Do you really find that so hard to believe? Let's not play dumb here. Some girls exist who claim to love it, with “claim” being the operative word here. But for the general majority, it's uncomfortable, unnatural, and just not sexy.

So the question our vaginas will pose in response to your own is, “Why is having sex with us such a bad thing? We're great.” I'm pretty sure this correlates to an ancient proverb, that starts off something like, “If you give a mouse a cookie…” I Can't remember the rest, but when you're lucky enough to have access to a (presumably) great vagina, don't push the anal topic if she's not into it; enjoy what you've been blessed with.

Q: So my friends and I frequent the local college nightclub on weekends. Not to brag, but I can usually work the dance floor well enough to score a decent make-out session with a chick in my range. My question is this: what's the best way to get from sucking face on the dance floor to banging at my apartment? Would chicks rather I just flat out ask, or is there a better way to go about it? Thanks.

A: DFMO's are obviously the highlight of every college students Thursday-Saturday. But they can also be pretty hit or miss, so in this situation I say play it straight. Give the face sucking session ample time for some sparks to fly– you know, those genuine, love-at-first-sight dance floor romance-induced sparks– and then just ask her if she wants to come back to your place. There's really no way for her to beat around the bush – it's a yes or no question, and believe me; she's not going back to your place out of pity. If she's not into it, no sweat off of your back– you probably have the necessary additional 45 minutes to close with a different true love of the night.

Q: What is with girls and being friends with dudes. As a guy I know we aren't friends with chicks unless we are trying to sleep with them. I have many acquaintances that are women and have no desire to sleep with them because they aren't good looking or dated a friend of mine, or I just can't stand to be around them long enough to fuck them. All my boys feel the same way. But my girlfriend has guy friends that she talks to on the reg and swears up and down she isn't fucking them or even thought of it. Am I the dumbass being lied to and possibly cheated on or are chicks really just friends with some dudes they talk to almost everyday?

A: You sir, sound like you've got some mommy issues to work out. I get that the potential for sexual interaction is often on the front lines of a male/female  relationship, but that doesn't mean inter-gender relationships can't exist without that.

Sure there may be a point, or multiple points in time where you think about crossing out of the friend zone and into each others pants,  but sometimes things are just better left uncomplicated. Having girls in your life that are only friends will also open doors for you in more respects than simply broadening your spectrum of friendships; you'll be introduced to significantly more women by virtue of being a non-prospect to your friend. Don't be so close-minded about your girlfriend or girls in general; not every dude has to be a threat, and maybe you could even pick up a girl friend or two.

Q: So I was hooking up with this guy for the first time last weekend and one of his first moves was an aggressive spank. What's the deal with that? Is it just me, or should a guy wait a little while before going for that kind of move? Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but interested in your opinion.

A: First hookup spank is, I agree, a bit aggressive. It could imply that this guy is a freak, or has an ass thing (See: guy in question number one) but chances are he just thought he was being sexy so just try and give him some credit for that. Plus, a minor spanking is fairly harmless. Up until the point of course, that it leaves hand marks on ones butt cheeks. No girl wants that. That said this is probably a go-to move for him, so if that weirds you out, either bring up your aversion verbally or drop him like his hand to your ass.

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[Disgusted woman image via ShutterStock]